


It's For Your Own Good

by trying



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, I've been told this is funny, Internalized Homophobia, Misogyny, Swearing?, Underage Drinking, because i have no patience, conversion camp, i think, not slow-burn, plus lots of other shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-09-14 18:31:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 43,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9197960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trying/pseuds/trying
Summary: Clarke’s hands were trembling slightly and she wrung them anxiously in front of her as she entered the main room. Plastic chairs were set up in a loose semi-circle in the centre of the room, most of them already occupied by the other campers.Gay campers. Some of them attractive gay girl campers.Fuck.When Clarke gets sent to conversion therapy camp, she thought everything she knew was over. Turns out, life is just beginning.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fan fiction, and my first attempt at creative writing in a while, so please bare with me!
> 
> I should warn you that there is a fair amount of swearing and homophobia. Also the Christian faith isn't presented in a very flattering light, so maybe don't read if thats gonna be an issue for you.
> 
> Otherwise please enjoy and let me know what you think!

Clarke’s hands were trembling slightly and she wrung them anxiously in front of her as she entered the main room. Plastic chairs were set up in a loose semi-circle in the centre of the room, most of them already occupied by the other campers. 

Gay campers. Some of them attractive gay _girl_ campers.

Fuck. 

 

Clarke took the spare seat left in the middle of all the others. Directly opposite her and the rest of the semi-circle was a black armchair with a bald man in it, arms crossed, mastering that stern authority figure face. He watched as she sat, pinning her down with his heavy gaze.

 

Great, she was in the firing line. Now she knew why this was the last seat left. 

 

As Baldy spoke up, the chatter of the other campers died down. 

“Good afternoon girls welcome back campers, I hope you all had a _restful_ break and you resisted temptation, in sticking with our program. Please extent a special big welcome to our newest camper, Clarke Griffin.” Despite his words, he didn't seem very welcoming. His expression stern and solemn, commanding the attention of everyone seated before him.

All eyes swivelled to her as Clarke’s eyes flickered down to her lap. She could feel the heat rising on her cheeks. She had hoped that she could slide in without so much attention.

“Clarke I’m Titus, director of the Healthy Lifestyles program for girls. I’m sure you’ll… adjust here in no time” 

The girl next her to snorted,”Yeah _adjust._ ”

Clarke turned to look at her, curious as to what the sarcasm was about. She was very pretty, brunette hair and a killer jawline. The girl caught her staring and smirked back at her. 

“Octavia that is enough from you! Lets not start back with the same attitude as last time.” Titus barked out, causing Clarke’s attention to jump back to the front at the harsh tone.

Octavia’s grin turned sour and she looked away.

“Okay for the rest of the afternoon Nia is going to be taking you back through the rules, then we will be joining back for prayer in the chapel and winding down for the evening. Girls please proceed to the field.” 

It seemed Clarke would receive no further information. She had hoped this meeting would have told her more about what was in store for her. It was making her insides twist up, not knowing what would happen here, when she could leave. 

Everything around her felt surreal, her anger at having been forced here only thing keeping her going. Clarke knows that when she alone, when the anger fades, all that will remain will be a bitter emptiness pounding in her chest, and the complete panic at now having no control over her own life. 

Her mom had tried to tell her the details of her stay in the quiet of the car ride on the way here, murmuring to Clarke as they passed through the countryside in the light of dawn. Clarke had purposefully blanked her, instead staring out the window as they passed through small hick town after town, too furious to communicate with her mother. Clarke knew it wouldn't have mattered regardless. The drowsiness and confusion had been permeating, blocking out her mom as if her head had been submerged below water.

 

——

 

Out on the field, Clarke and the other girls stood before the icy Camp Manager Nia, in the baking sun. Some of the girls shielded their eyes from the glare of the light as they eyed Nia warily. Clarke tugged at her new Healthy Directions gym shorts, feeling uncomfortable having not know she would be expected to exercise straight away. 

“Okay girls, I am going to quiz you on the rules here as you run the length of the field. Anytime you misspeak or get a rule wrong you will perform the military exercise circuit.” Nia informed them, chin jutting out and piercing eyes challenging anyone to dissent. 

NIa smirked at Clarke, “You can have the first round off but after that I expect you to recite like the others”. Clarke’s eyes widened, the anxiety from earlier returning full force, taking residence in the pit of her stomach, squeezing around her lungs.

What the fuck?

Where was corporal punishment and military circuits in the brochure?

 

“MOVE OUT!” Nia barked.

The harsh command once again had Clarke reeling and she struggled to fall into step behind the other girls as they each took the field running. Suddenly grateful for the times she had taken herself on the occasional run, she followed them and kept pace till they came back around to Nia again. 

They came to stand around her, everyone’s breathing beginning to labour. Nia’s eyes once again raked over them before settling on the tattooed brunette. “Alright Lexa,” Nia’s ugly smirk was back as the Lexa girl stepped forward. “Please tell us where girls who engage in sexual relations with other girls end up?”

It was then that Clarke got a proper look at Lexa. She had thick brunette hair with intricate braids falling down her back and beautiful tribal tattoos adorning her toned upper arms. She made the disgusting camp gym gear look like model wear. She had muscles and large expanses of tanned skin and full lips. She stood stoically, held rigid and jaw clenched.

 

Clarke was screwed. 

And gay. 

So screwed and SO gay for Lexa.

 

You could have cut the tension between Nia and Lexa with a knife. Apparently refusing to answer, Lexa began the circuit in silence. She leapt over hurdles, flying under nets and climbing over high walls like an athlete. 

She was gorgeous and powerful and graceful.

God get a grip Clarke! …No wonder you're in gay camp.

 

——

 

It went on like that with girls answering and running, running and answering wrong until Nia was apparently satisfied and most of them were bent over wheezing and sweating from the exertion and the heat of the afternoon. It wasn't only Lexa who had refused to answer her question. A couple of the other tougher looking girls opted for the circuit straight away, not dignifying the homophobic questions with answers. It only served to worsen Nia’s mood.

After more rounds of the field that Clarke could count, Nia grinned at Clarke before her while she struggled to catch her breath. “Okay girls, we can finish right now if Clarke here gets the next question right.”

“Clarke, where do girls who engage in sexual relations with other girls end up?”

 

This was Lexa’s question.

Why did she have to be so beautiful and distracting? Did she actually answer it in the end?? Oh god, Clarke thought, I’m to about to fuck this up and I've not even been here for a full day yet. I’ll have to run that damn circuit, I’ll trip, kill myself on it, and embarrass myself in front of Lexa. 

The silence crept in, everyone waiting for her to answer. Clarke could hear her own breathing grow louder, her ears were ringing and hands trembling once again. Just as Clarke thought she might pass out from panic, she was saved.

“For fucks sake this is so messed up! She’s only been here for like 5 damn minutes and you've already had her run a goddamn marathon! Jesus, how is she supposed to know any of the rules?!The answer is HELL okay Clarke?! These sickos want to send all us innocent gays to their Hell!” Octavia raved, her hands flying in the air as she yelled.

Nia marched over to Octavia and got up in her face, “Octavia! You insolent devil-child, will spend the rest of the night in prayer in the sanitation room! You clearly need cleansing of your sins!” Her face was twisted in fury as she spat her righteous punishment.

A fiery raven haired girl lurched forward to Octavia’s side, “all right bitch thats a bit excessive, she was only sticking up for-” 

“And you will join her Reyes! I will not have a repeat of last term from the two of you”, Nia demanded, leaving no room for any more argument.

 

——

 

All the girls had showered and donned the Healthy Directions mandatory grey dress and were sprawled out in the chapel for ‘prayers’.

Turns out prayers meant lounging on the pews and whispering among themselves while some half-dead old pastor murdered scripture and preached about gender norms. 

 

Clarke felt terribly out of place as she hunched on the hard wooden bench. All the other campers appeared to be very familiar with one another, joking and muffling their giggles as they whispered among themselves. Wouldn’t they get in trouble for fraternising with each other like that?

Clarke only half listened to the pastor, more interested in observing her fellow campers instead. She need to distract herself from her own worry.

She must have looked as anxious as she felt because the friendly girl in the pew in front of her turned to introduced herself as Maya. Reassuring Clarke that they wouldn’t get into trouble as chapel was unsupervised and besides the pastor couldn’t see 3 feet in front of his own face.

Well, that answered that.

 

The only other girl on Clarke’s pew was a dirty blonde who sat alone and slouched with a scowl on her face. Steeling her nerves in the interests of sating her curiosity, Clarke leaned over to the girl and asked the question that had been bugging her. “What did Octavia and that Reyes girl do last term that was so bad?”

She turned to look at her, sour expression now fixed on Clarke. “They kept getting caught ‘going to hell’ on every flat surface of this chapel if you know what I mean. And If _you_ know whats good for you, new girl, you’ll keep your head down and cooperate with these bastards” she spat. 

Clarke reeled, turned back to face the front at Anya’s hostile warning. What the hell was she doing here? She had been thrown in the deep end, wholly unprepared for this place. She cursed her mom for doing this to her, leaving her, discarded like trash until she was shiny and new, cured and straight. Just how her mother wished her to be. Her dad wouldn’t have rejected her like this, would he? She couldn’t image him being so opposed to her liking girls. 

Her dad. Clarke missed him desperately. She hadn't step foot inside a church since his funeral no matter how many times her born-again mom begged her to repent and join Jesus in church where she belonged. 

Being here was making her chest constrict. Memories of his service invading her mind, the raw edge of loss slicing her open.

Tears pricked in her eyes and she chocked on the lump in her throat.

 She needed to get out.

 

Her distress must have been obvious, because just as she was about to make a run for it, Lexa slid in on her other side. Her earthy-honey scent and gentle expression flooded Clarke’s senses overwhelming her in an entirely different way. 

Lexa leaned into her and her warm voice murmured assuringly into Clarke’s ear, “Don't mind Anya, she’s just bitter she hasn't got someone in here to make-out with.” 

Anya rolled her eyes, “Fuck you Lexa and excuse me for focusing on getting out of here.” 

Getting out? Yes, thats what she needed to do! “Um, how do you get out of here?”, Clarke whispered back, voice breaking slightly. 

It was Lexa who answered her, sombre green eyes assessing Clarke, “You don’t. I’ve been here for 2 years now because you can’t _make_ someone straight and Titus and Nia know that. You only get out when you turn 18 and you're a legal adult. Till then, you try not to internalise the shit they feed you while Healthy Directions cashes in on fat checks from our parents” she finished grimly. 

Clarke balked, the panic worsening, “Um excuse me but that is some bullshit I cannot abide by! I don't turn 18 for six more months! I cant be here, I need to get back to my life!! What about school?! Oh dear god, is that pastor winking at me? I think I’m gonna be sick” Clarke stressed, her voice picking up an octave.

“What!? No, he has an eye spasm. Look Clarke, it's not that bad. Us girls all look out for each other and we’ll watch out for you too. Just breathe, okay?” Lexa’s concerned green eyes bored into hers, seemingly willing her to calm down.

Nia waltzed in just then and Lexa straightened in her chair, her face once again turning impassive, the gentle concerned Lexa gone. 

“Girls!” Nia barked, “Its time for bed. Lights out within the hour!” 

 

  ——

 

A short while after lights out, when all the girls had settled in for the night. Clarke was still lying awake in her new bunk, the one DIRECTLY BELOW LEXA, when Octavia and Raven quietly slipped in. From what Clarke could make out in the dark, Raven had her arm wrapped around Octavia comfortingly. She heard Lexa sit up in her bunk, the springs creaking slightly. “Are you guys okay?” she whispered. 

She heard Octavia sigh despairingly and Raven muttered, “yeah, we’re cool commander, don’t worry.” 

 

Commander? Clarke couldn't say the nickname was lost on her. Lexa’s quiet and serious demeanour made her seem wise and stoic even to her The others deferred to her naturally. Perhaps it had something to do with her being here so long? It made Lexa all the more interesting to Clarke, who was utterly enamoured with her. The gentle kindness that Lexa seemed to reserve for her felt like a saving grace in this backwards place. 

 

Clarke watched silently from her bunk as Octavia and Raven climbed into the same bed together, clearly not concerned with the threat of around the clock room checks. 

Well, fair enough. Whose genius idea was it to have a bunch of gay girls bunk together? 

 

——

 

The next morning Clarke woke to the National Anthem blasting at the ass crack of dawn. Warm morning sun filtered in through the small window and she cracked an eye open she see that a few of the girls were already up and about. Clarke felt like she had barely slept. It had taken her hours of tossing and turning to finally fall asleep. 

“Jesus Christ what time is it? I’ve entered hell”, Clarke muttered turning back over to face the wall.

Clarke heard Lexa’s feet landed beside her bunk with a thud as she jumped down. A few moments passed before she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Clarke? Clarke, you can’t go back to sleep or they’ll have you running laps before breakfast.”

“Yeah and if they hear you take the baby Jesus’ name in vein like that you’ll be doing the circuit of death on top of it” she heard Raven add much louder. 

Groaning and turning over, Clarke hauled herself into a sitting position, suddenly coming face to face with Lexa.

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, feeling disorientated. She knew she wasn’t going to awake in her own bed at home, like the past day had all been a bad dream, but she still found it very unsettling, waking to this horrid place. 

Given what she experienced in the past few days, Clarke felt that fluttering anxiety come back to her stomach, welling at the prospect of what the next week could bring. The unknown of the camp and its authorities stretched out before her, and it did not bring with it a sense of hope. 

 

“So, umm… What’s on the agenda for today?” Clarke asked, pulling herself to Lexa’s level. 

Oh my fucking god, what’s on the agenda?! Real cool Clarke. 

Lexa’s soft eyes smiled back at her, “No one’s told you very much about what goes on at Healthy Directions, have they?”, Lexa inquired kindly, her head tilting to the side which Clarke found adorable. Clarke shook her head in response, finding words a little hard to come by as she stared at Lexa who looked like a vision to half-asleep Clarke.

 

“Oh well, first theres morning prayers with pastor eye-spasm, Titus, Nia and counsellor Jaha, you’ll meet him later; he's a real joy. Then we do breakfast, correspondence school work all morning which a volunteer student comes and helps us with. Chores, then lunch. In the afternoon we have reflection time, which is really just free-time in the rec room, usually followed by group counselling but you’ll have one-on-one twice a week in that time also… um, more quality time with the pastor before dinner, then bed.”

Clarke must have been making a face because Lexa hurried to reassure her. “Its fine, really Clarke, a lot better than it sounds. We make it better to get by.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it. Do we get to sleep in on weekends?”

“No Clarke, unfortunately not” Lexa said, smirking at Clarke’s hopeful tone. “But Sundays are better. We have worship with the whole camp in the morning, then the rest of the day off. Saturdays is school work for most of the day, but if you finish early, you have free-time”. 

“Oh. Well I guess I can live with that” Clarke sighed dramatically. 

Lexa laughed, bright and clear, which made Clarke’s heart soar. 

You’ve got some game after all Griffin, don't fuck it up now. 

“I don't suppose they schedule any Netflix binge sessions here right?” Clarke continued cheekily, grinning up at her through her lashes.

Clarke watched Lexa’s beautiful eyes crinkle as she chuckled again at Clarke's poor attempt at flirting. Clarke was enchanted by the sound and vowed to make lame jokes for the rest of her time here if it made the usually serious girl smile like that. 

 

In was Octavia that ruined the moment, “Clarke quit blushing and get that sexy grey sack-dress on! We’ve gotta hustle to chapel this morning, Rae and I already pissed Titty off enough last night when we gave him an earful.”

“O, calling Titus titty is offensive to the beautiful breasts of woman everywhere.” Raven declared.

“Well I hope the only beautiful breasts you’d be looking at would be mine, Rae” Octavia spouted cheekily.

Raven grinned, peeking Octavia on her lips, “You know it babe”

Anya brushed through them, “Could you two shut the fuck up this early in the morning?! And I swear to god if Titus starts on another one of his rants because you pissed him off-”

“Okay lets go!” Maya interrupted, moving for the door. Lexa rolled her eyes and followed after her, leaving Clarke behind to finish getting ready.


	2. Chapter 2

As they took their places at the front of the old chapel, Clarke felt the lightness from earlier drain out of her, blood running run cold once again and the grief clawing its way up her throat. She bent her head as if she was in prayer, letting her loose hair fall around her to hide her face. 

She needed to get it together. From what Lexa said, she would be spending a lot of time in here. The last thing she wanted to do was have a meltdown in front of the whole camp.

Counsellor Jaha took centre stage, he look a kindly man as he smiled upon them, but Clarke quickly realised he was extremely homophobic. He took his time detailing the evils of the lesbian agenda which would have been almost funny if it wasn't so bigoted. He then invited each of the girls to send their ‘hopeful prayers’ to God of what their new straight lives were going to be like after the program. 

Clarke clenched her teeth, outraged at his audacity, but she tried to let it go, let the anger pass. She couldn't afford to hold onto it and have it turn ugly inside of her. She had learnt that back home. A lot of what was going to be said in this place was going to upset or anger her, she needed to let it flow through her like a river.

Be a river Clarke. A beautiful bisexual river flowing through bullshit. 

When the girls started to 'pray', Clarke understood what Lexa had said earlier about the girls making things better. Clarke had to hold back a grin when Anya stood up and proclaimed all too sweetly that she was going to find a ‘hunky new boyfriend to have love babies with’. Jaha tired to look pleased, clearly unsure whether to take her seriously or not. 

The show only got more hilarious when Raven got up and started gushing about what a good wife she was going to be and how she was going to ‘please her partner endlessly’. It was all starting to sound a bit too sincere until Clarke saw that Raven was making eye contact with Octavia who was leaning forward in her pew eagerly, eating it up. 

Apparently Titus has caught on too because he slammed his fist down, red faced. Giggles and tittering erupted around the chapel.

“That is enough! Move on to the dining hall with a bit more decorum please girls!” Titus bellowed 

While they ate their bland oatmeal breakfast, Titus ranted and raved about how they should aim to be pleasing, meek and obedient wives. Clarke just tried to down it out so she could eat her oatmeal before she said something she would regret. 

Or burst into tears.

 

——

 

In study hall, The other girls all helped each other with their school work, almost all of them in their last year of high school like Clarke, although Harper and Maya were the year below. As promised a young male college student came in to supervise and tutor them. Although it was immediately clear to Clarke that he didn't have a clue what to make of a bunch of boisterous lesbians in matching long grey dresses.

He turned out to be pretty irrelevant anyway because Clarke breezed through her exercise book with the help Octavia, Raven and Lexa. Even grumpy Anya chimed into now and then. With the five of them working together and Maya and Harper helping one another, they finished in time, despite all the messing around.

The girls also helped Clarke with her chores. Lexa delegated the jobs and had Clarke take turns watching each of them so that she would know how to do her chores properly herself tomorrow.  

Clarke found her trepidation and anxiety over her situation calming as the morning passed. She could do this, stick it out until she got out.

 She was surprised to find how nice it was to feel apart of something, have the other girls to lean on and help her. Her fellow campers made her feel much less alone. 

And Clarke realised she had felt alone. Especially since her Dad had died. Clarke had withdrawn from her friends at home in her grief. It hadn't helped that she was the only one who liked other girls among them in their small Christian town. It was very isolating.

Lunch passed without incident, just more ranting from Titus. It seemed Octavia and Raven had grown tired of antagonising the Healthy Lifestyles authorities for the day. Clarke had to hand it to them, they were fairly good at pretending to _not_ be a couple when they wanted to be. You wouldn't have realised they were together unless you studied them closely, and caught the fleeting glances they shared, the way they orbited around one another in sync. At least they had each other in this place. 

 

‘Free-time’ meant hanging out in the rec room unsupervised as long as they didn't cause too much noise or trouble. The rec room was basically the damp basement of the Healthy Lifestyles facility. It seemed an after thought to their experience here, with chairs and tables scattered about and a few old books and games with half the pieces missing shoved in a corner.

Clarke had barely got herself in the door before the others all turned to her. She quickly found herself on the other end of an inquisition. 

Okay, she could play along. Maybe Lexa wanted to talk to her.

“Soooo Clarke,” Harper started, “How are you liking Healthy Lifestyles?”

“Um honestly? Miserable and homophobic.” Clarke stated blandly, not bothering to hide her frown.

“I take it you don't buy the God hates gays bullshit?” Harper asked

“No? Yeah, no, I’m not even sure I consider myself christian. My mom is one of those born-again Christians, she obsessed with the church… recently. I mean we went to church occasionally before, everyone in our town does, but she’s the one who sent me here. I think she wants to covert me and cure my sexuality all in one.” Clarke shifted in her seat uncomfortable with all the personal questions. 

“Well that sucks. Welcome to the club though! I’m sure you've noticed us delinquents aren’t exactly enamoured with the conversion program” Octavia said proudly.

Clarke’s glaze shifted to Lexa who was leaning back in her chair watching on cooly. “Ah, yeah, I might have noticed that. Not exactly what I expected.” 

“How did mommy dearest force you here then? Did she opt for blackmail or bribery?” Octavia continued

Clarke looked down, ashamed, “She, um- I think she slipped me something in my dinner the night before so I would be drowsy and compliant? She’s a doctor you see. She woke me in the middle of the night, my bags already packed, pushed me into the car and didn't stop driving for 6 hours. I was so out of it I barely understood what was happening. By morning we had arrived and there was nothing I could do about it.”

“Shit Griff, your mothers’ cold!” Raven hollered

Clarke couldn’t meet their eyes as she talked. She didn't know what she would find in them, and she didn't want to start crying when the morning had gone so well. 

When no one said anything. Clarke took a deep breath and looked up to see Lexa’s gaze burning a hole in her. 

Lexa looked at her quizzically and Clarke could tell she was trying to gauge how she feeling about what she had just told them. 

Clarke tried not to let the heat get to her face.

“What about your Darling Daddy? Was he in on it too?” Anya said snidely.

“That’s enough Anya” Lexa reprimanded, leaving no room for argument for which Clarke was thankful. She didn't want to have to tell Anya to fuck off and make an enemy out of her on her second day. 

 

——

 

Clarke would rather fling herself into the ocean that sit around in a circle with Nia and the others and talk about the evils of her gay sin, but she found herself in the same semi circle from the first day in the dusty main hall, nonetheless. 

She wasn't the only reluctant camper apparently. Lexa had gone all broody, sour expression on her face. 

NIa on the other hand, seemed to relish the prospect of group therapy just as she had the military circuit. She sat straight in the black leather armchair, watching Clarke closely as she took the same hot seat directly opposite her, a wicked smirk twisting her face. 

It was then that dread started to pool in Clarke's stomach, that sinking feeling weighing her down. She knew she was in trouble. 

“Okay girls, welcome back to our first group session after easter break. Most of you have made adequate progress in recognising and identifying your perverted sexual tendencies, and how it manifests in everyday life, corrupting your relationship with god and others around you.” 

“For this part of the term we will look more at correcting those perverted tendencies, straightening them out so you can pursue more wholesome, healthy lifestyles.”

“However Clarke, as a new camper you are behind in our program and consequently this session and others if necessary will be focused on addressing the sin in your life, and identifying where it stems from. Your individual sessions will also begin and we will continue your work there.” 

“Your mother has told us that you are in desperate need of reparation for your homosexual illness, and it that it has worsened in recent months. Do you want to tell us about that Clarke?”

Clarke floundered, shocked at what Nia was saying, “Well, actually I'm Bisexual…” Clarke managed. 

“Slapping a different label on your sin isn't going make it right with God.” Nia spat out harshly. “Accepting that you have a problem is the first step.” 

Clarke tried to take a deep breath and calm herself down. Her nerves from the start of the session were squeezing her lungs again, and now anger was racing through her too. “But I don't have a problem! Its people like you who have the problem!” Clarke hurried to defend herself.

Clarke didn't want to be manipulated by Nia. She had already spent so long agonising over her sexuality when she was younger and closeted. But having been rejected by her mother, there was still an insecure part of her that got cagey and defensive when people were negative about it.

“Clarke! The scripture is clear, God does not tolerate homosexuality. Do you want to be punished further by God? We cannot move forward here until you recognise your sin for what it is. Many of the other girls were also resistant but they have come to see the light. Lexa here was resistant for over a year before she accepted God’s will, and she will tell you, it serves you nought.”

Clarke side eyed Lexa, highly doubtful she had ‘accepted God’s will’. However Lexa would not meet her eyes. She was clenching her jaw, chin jutted out. Everyone else was watching the exchange in terse silence.

Anger welling up insider her, Clarke spat back, “I’m not being resistant either! I can’t help liking girls, I didn't choose it!”

“Thats where you're wrong Clarke! Here at Healthy Lifestyles, we can help you change your perverted tendencies to the path of righteousness, you do have a choice in this.” Nia countered 

“Arrrhhh, it's not perverted! There is no sin in liking girls!!”, Clarke yelled, her outrage getting the best of her. 

“Clarke I think you and I both know thats not true. God punishes those who do not repent for their homosexual sin as you have found. Failure to adhere to a more healthy lifestyle under Christ results in a one way ticket to Hell.” Nia declared smugly.

“What?! As I have found? What’s that supposed to mean?!” Clarke demanded haughtily

“Well I was waiting to address this later in our one-on-one session, but in the interests of progress…” Nia trailed off before continuing her tirade. 

“Clarke, your mother informed me that your father has recently passed, after a string of homosexual relations. Immediately after you also engaged in more of this inappropriate behaviour, causing a rift between you and your mother. Don’t you see the impact this sin is having on your life?”

You could have heard a pin drop. Clarke’s breath caught in her throat, pain immediately welling up in her chest as the loss of her father was used against her.

Clarke stood up shakily, knocking her chair over behind her. She was so furious she wanted to leap across the dumb fucking circle and claw at Nia’s smug face 

“How dare you?! You have no damn right you evil bitch!” 

Clarke stormed out, too overwhelmed to sit and participate in NIa’s charade any longer. She heard Nia dismiss the other girls from the session as she fled. 

 

As clarke stumbled out of the main hall, she looked at the rest of the camp around her, suddenly not knowing where to go, home would have been preferable, but she was stuck here in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of religious psychos. She marched towards to the woods behind the back of the camp, needed to get away from the stranglehold she felt this place had on her. As she entered the woods and got further away from Nia and the damn circle of plastic chairs, she felt the anger dissipate with every step she took. It was cool under the thick pines of the shadowy forest, a relief from the swampy heat of the day.  

Now deep in the forest, Clarke stopped abruptly sinking against a tree, head in her hands. Anger gone, Clarke’s grief and Nia’s comments stung all the more. 

There were a few moments of silence before Clarke heard footsteps crunching in the pine needles behind here. She lifted her head to see Raven and Octavia, Lexa further trailing behind them. 

When Octavia and Raven reached her they sat either side of her against the base of the great pine where she was resting.

They were silent for a minute, listening to Clarke’s breathing slow before Octavia spoke up. “Clarke we’re sorry to hear about your father. And we’re sorry- well, sorry we didn't warn you about Nia. We should have, I don't know, warned you about fighting her. We’ve found its best to roll with their agenda sometimes, although Rae and I make sure to give em’ hell when we’re up to it.  Depends how much skin you’ve got in the game I guess…” Octavia trailed off and Clarke tried to warp her head around what she was trying to tell her.

Skin in the game? Did she mean how much personal stuff Nia has to use against you? Or something else?

“What O is trying to say is that Nia is a crazy bitch and she goes for the kill, so, uh, be careful… And we’ve got your back, because we totally know how much this whole conversion bullshit sucks.” Raven said, giving Clarke’s shoulder a squeeze. 

“Don’t let the bastards get you down Clarke.” O threw in before the two of them got up and turned back the way they came, leaving Lexa, who had been hovering on the outskirts of their conversation under the tree, standing across from her.

Clarke took calming breaths, stealing her courage to meet Lexa’s eyes and keep it together. She didn't want Lexa to think she was so weak she’d start crying at the drop of a hat. Lexa had probably endured far worse taunts from Nia all the while remaining completely impassive in her two years here.

Lexa crouched down in front of Clarke, meeting her gaze. She slid her hands to Clarke’s knees, squeezing gently. 

The soft touch went straight through her, skin burning where Lexa touched her. When was the last time someone had done that, touched her like Lexa does? Clarke felt it in her bones, shooting straight through her, smouldering and turning her to mush.

Clarke searched Lexa’s soft green eyes, which were in turn, watching her. She scanned for any hint of sickening pity or disgust at her outburst. Her kind face showed only her concern and Clarke held her gaze, calming herself through Lexa’s presence.

Lexa must have seen something in her eyes because her thumbs started stroking small circles on Clarke’s knees. “Clarke, you are strong, you will make it through this” she whispered, imploring her to believe what she was saying. 

“Octavia and Raven weren’t lying Clarke. It sounds wrong, but sometimes when it comes to Nia, its better to shut down your emotions and to follow along rather than resist. She fights dirty.” Lexa murmured. Clarke continued to watch her, taking deep breaths. 

“When I came here two years ago, Nia became camp manager around the same time. I refused to bend to her will, and she made it her personal mission to make my life… very difficult. I do not think anyone had defied her until that point, and she was determined to work on me until I admitted my ‘sin’ snd cooperated with treatment”, Lexa admitted in a strained tone.

“Sure Octavia, Anya, Raven and the others like to mess with Titus and Jaha, even Nia on a good day, but when it comes to therapy sessions, it is not a good idea to go up against her Clarke. It can come at a great personal cost.”

“You have to do what is necessary in order to survive here.” Lexa finished softly.

“Don’t you think life should be about more than surviving Lex?” Clarke urged

“Maybe it should” Lexa replied quietly. “Just think about what I’ve said, okay?”

“I will. And Lex? Thank you.” Clarke whispered.

Lexa nodded and then finally breaking the connection that seemed to run between them, she jerked her head back towards the camp. “We should go and do our chores Clarke, otherwise we will not make it to lunch in time after.” Lexa said, helping Clarke up from where they had been sitting on the forest floor. They brushed the pine needles off each other and moved back out into the sun

 

Clarke moved through the rest of the day methodically, but her mind was elsewhere. She was exhausted from the session yet her mind couldn't stop thinking over what Lexa had told her. 

When Lexa had been telling her about her first year at Healthy Directions she had sounded pained. What had Lexa endured while trying to stand alone against Nia when she was just 15? Yet she still seemed so strong and not the type to give in easily. Nia must have something over her that had made her bend to her will.

 

——

 

Clarke slept fitfully, hollow dread from yesterday already settling in her stomach when she woke. Nia had cheerily informed Clarke over dinner the previous night that they would be continuing their work from yesterday in a one-on-one session in Nia’s office. Raven and Octavia had booed over that as if Clarke was 10 and getting sent to the principles office in grade school. Which come to think of it, wasn't too dissimilar. 

The national anthem had blasted again that morning and Clarke swore it sounded like Titus was the one singing it over loud speaker. Why couldn’t they have Katy Perry do it like the Super Bowl? Or even better, someone gayer like Hayley Kiyoko?

Chapel that morning had been boring as fuck to Clarke’s continued disappointment. She needed a distraction to take her mind off the impending doom of this afternoon. Clarke noticed Lexa casting worried looks her way when she was caught zoning out by the observant brunette. Although Clarke saw Anya flick Lexa subtly when she had caught Lexa looking over her shoulder at her one too many times, forcing her to bring her attention back to Jaha’s lecture.

And another thing, why did they have to wait and sit through Jaha’s bullshit before they could eat? Clarke’s stomach was rumbling. She wanted to eat now. Clearly this place needed a feedback forum so they could straighten a few things out. God wouldn’t mind if they waited to talk to him _after_ fulling their stomachs. I mean what’s the hurry? It's not like the big guy is going anywhere. 

When they did finally make it to around another joyous breakfast of the oatmeal slop special, Anya seemed just about as done with the situation as Clarke felt, because when Titus took his turning lecturing at the girls, she flipped her shit. 

Titus was ranting about the need to conform to feminine ideals and perform ‘women’s work’ like sewing, cooking, washing and child rearing. Clarke had been simply blocking him out, too focused on finally eating and thinking about Lexa, the two things that usually occupied her mind. But Raven caught her eye conspiratorially, looking all too gleeful. “Clarke, look at Anya and get ready”, she muttered under her breath. 

Sure enough, Anya was _fuming._ If looks could kill, Titus would be dead. And then brought to life again only to be tortured slowly by the death glare Anya was dishing out. Lexa to her right looked slightly panicked, as if she could tell what was about to come next too. 

Watching her, Clarke could tell she wanted to calm Anya but didn't know what to do without getting in trouble. She couldn’t touch her, or even lean in towards Anya too closely without breaking the rules in front on Nia, Jaha and Titus. 

It didn't matter though because Anya stood slowly from her spot on the bench and then moved to stand on top of the table, oatmeal bowl in hand. Titus noticed the action and switched mid rant to start yelling at Anya instead, red faced and spit flying. “Anya Trikru! Sit down this instant!! I will not have this meal disgraced by-”

Suddenly Anya’s bowl went flying through the air and hit the wall directly above Titus’s head at the head of the table with scary precision. For a whole minute Clarke swore all you could hear was oatmeal dripping down the wall and landing on the ground with a splat. 

Nia and Titus both then stood abruptly, looking ready to charge into battle but Jaha beat them both to the telling off. He held his palm forward commanding silence and then proceeded to counsel the situation with his usual, almost condescending, air of calm. 

“Anya, would you like to explain to everyone, why you threw your breakfast at Titus, who I remind you, is the camp director… again?”

Again?! How regularly does this happen?!

Matching Jaha’s deathly calm, Anya responded menacingly, “I wouldn’t have to throw my fucking bowl if Titus would shut the fuck up while I’m trying to eat in the morning.” 

Clarke looked over to see Raven and Octavia still eating their breakfast with gusto and watching the exchange like they were front row in a particularly riveting tennis game. Meeting her eyes, Raven mouthed ‘I told you so’ and waggled her eyebrows. Sweet Maya and Harper just looked on pensively, while Lexa picked at her food seemingly disinterested.  

“How dare you speak that way!! You are hell-bound Anya Trikru!” Nia screamed across the room, voice laced with poison. 

Jaha halted her again, speaking calmingly, “Anya, you will report to Titus’s office during group session for your punishment and extra counselling. Clearly you are having sexual impulse control trouble and it is manifesting its self in these behavioural issues.” 

“Whatever assholes” Anya snapped, already halfway out the room. 

“The rest of you are finished with breakfast as well and will now stay and clean up Anya’s mess before you head to your morning study” Titus decided, calm restored now that he was back in control of the situation. 

Everyone including Clarke let out a collective groan at the new clean up job. 

“You think they would start serving Anya in plastic at this point”  Raven observed. 

“Yeah, and they say me and Rae are dramatic” Octavia mumbled.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so very much for all the comments and Kudos! Honestly, I really appreciate the support from all you lovely people. I will definitely try to continue story and update at least once a week. I really want to do this fic and all you readers justice, and leave you happy, so please let me know what you think, positive or negative. 
> 
> As I said this is my first fic so any constructive criticism on my writing or the story is greatly appreciated. Also, I have a rough plan of how I want this story to pan out, but please let me know if there is anything you want to see in particular, or if you have good ideas for chapters. My inbox is always open! 
> 
> Anyway thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> Much love x


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is late! Please let me know what you think and leave kudos if you think its any good! Thanks so much for everyone who has commented and left kudos... I really appreciate it! 
> 
> Much love x

Oatmeal incident over, all the girls moved onto their correspondence school work. Harper practical skipped there, her disposition was so sunny. Lexa explained to her on the way. “Its a Wednesday, which means that Belinda is coming to teach us today.”

Clarke had to strain to hear her. Lexa was especially mindful of the rules, one of which was no excessive fraternising with the other campers, so she talked quietly and didn't always look directly at the person she was talking too. Anya was like this too, although Clarke thought it might have more to do with the fact that she was in a perpetual bad mood. 

“And?” Clarke implored 

“And,” the corner of Lexa’s mouth turned up in a half smile. God that was attractive. “Harper has a huge crush on her, even though Belinda has a good 20 years on her.” 

Sure enough, Harper was enraptured by Belinda and every word she said. Usually a smart girl, Harper today struggled with almost all of exercise book and required a lot of help from Belinda. Of course she got teased for it mercilessly, especially seen as the girls were surprisingly open with Belinda.

“Are you sure you're getting enough help from Belinda over their Harper?” Raven asked, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

“Yeah, what is it with you and wanting to hook up with middle aged women Harper? I swear you’d be crushing on Nia too if that bitch had half a heart” Octavia joined in.

“Shut up!” harper hissed, red faced.

Clarke laughed along, all the tension from breakfast leaving her and the hilarity of their situation catching up to her. 

Clarke turned to see Lexa watching her as she let out peals of laughter. A sweet smile graced Lexa’s face which Clarke couldn’t bring herself to turn away from. She could feel the heat rising to her cheeks as her and Lexa continued to stare at each other openly and without interruption from Healthy Direction’s leaders. 

Miraculously, Anya seemed to rediscover her good humour just in time to ruin it. 

“Girls! It looks like Harper’s not the only one here with a HUGE crush. Isn’t that right commander? Oh look she’s blushing!” Anya teased.

“Anya I swear to god I will have your head. It is bad enough that we had to clean up your mess this morning.” Lexa threatened darkly. 

“Yeah Anya, what the fuck was that about? Poor Clarke looked like she was going to shit herself. Didn't know which way to look, did you Clarkey?” O cooed. 

“Um, the fuck? no I-” Clarke tried to defend herself, playing it cool.

“Okay girls!” Belinda commanded, clapping her hands together. “Any requests this week before we finish up here?”

“Um, could I get some chocolate please?” Maya requested.

“I haven’t read Zooey and Franny yet. That sounds gay. Is it gay?” Harper asked, trying to recapture Belinda’s attention.

“That’s open to interpretation dear. How about we get you started on Annie on My Mind first? I think  Maya had that last.” Belinda said gently.

“Requests?” Clarke asked, turning to Lexa again.

“Belinda is our outside woman. She sometimes brings us books and snacks when she can manage. She once went to a camp like ours so she knows what its like. She was my librarian before I came here so when I started, she would check me out books, and now she does it for us all” Lexa explained.

“Thats generous” Clarke commented.

“Yes. It is. The only books we are usually allowed are bible related. We’re lucky to have her.” Lexa murmured seriously. 

Clarke was relieved to hear this information. She could see the monotony of the routine here driving her crazy. She already missed her favourite Netflix shows at home. She hadn’t even been able to finish The OA before her mother ripped her away from it. Oh and to create again! Maybe Belinda could get her some drawing things?!

“Clarke? Clarke, do you have anything you would like?” Clarke snapped back to reality as Lexa asked her gently.

“I like to draw and paint” Clarke blurted lamely 

“You do?” Lexa said eyes sparkling like Clarke had offered up the answer to all of creation.

“Yeah… so maybe a decent piece of charcoal? Or an ink pen? Only if it's not too much trouble.” Clarke rushed out.

“Leave it to me” Lexa assured her confidently. 

While Clarke and Lexa had been talking Belinda had taken a few more requests and divvied out some new books for the girls to share. “Okay is that everything, my loves? Raven how about you? Do you need any more science books?” Belinda asked.

“How about a cherry red Ferrari for me and my girl so we can get the hell out of here?”

——

Chores went quickly. Lexa had put her on washing with Maya where they moved uniform loads of white bed sheets and grey dresses through washes and dryers, and then sorting folding them. Maya who was usually quiet and reserved, chatted sweetly to Clarke about a project she was working on with correspondence to do with ancient roman culture. It was nice to hear more from the younger girl who usually didn't seem to get a word in edge ways between the girls and the camp leaders here.  

Titus let them take their sandwiches outside for lunch to eat in the sun. They fanned out on the field and Clarke lay stretched out next to Raven and Octavia, one arm thrown over her eyes to block out the glare of the sun as they talked lazily about nothing. 

Lunch time blended into free time and Lexa and Anya came over to join them. The five of them kidding around and gossiping like they had been doing it together their whole lives. Maya and Harper ran around them while having cartwheel competitions. 

Lexa had come stretch out on Clarke’s other side, laying propped up on her elbows. Clarke could feel that same hum of electricity that drew them together, the inexplicable feeling of connection that bound her to Lexa.   

Thinking back, Clarke was reminded of the conversation they had in the woods the other day, where Lexa had warned Clarke of the consequences of going against Nia. Sighing, Clarke knew she should think about her options. 

She could be a little shit and fight the ice bitch on every homophobic word that came out of her mouth, probably getting nowhere.

Or, she could make like the others and pretend to go along with the therapy. But it would be a hard pill to swallow for someone as stubborn as Clarke. 

 

When Jaha called them in for group they all got up reluctantly and headed to the main hall. Clarke felt her nerves set in knowing she was to now have her session with Nia. As she split away from the girls to head to Nia’s office, they mumbled their good lucks, and then suddenly Clarke was on her own.

She entered the old office block building where reception and the Healthy Directions management offices were. It was dark and dusty in this part of the camp, which didn't make Clarke feel any better about having to come here. The whole building was cold, like they had the air conditioning whirling overtime.

She wiped her sweaty palms down her dress and took a deep breath before knocking on Nia’s solid wood door. There were several moments of silence, and just as Clarke almost turned back altogether, Nia’s permitted her entry in that same icy tone. 

——

Clarke came out of the session feeling utterly drained. Even in the summer heat, goosebumps had risen up on her arms, and she shuddered from the chill that had griped her Nia’s office. 

She took hurried steps away from the grim building, moving back onto the sun-drenched field and tilting her head up, letting the light kiss her face and warm her up. 

As she stood there, she thought about what had just happened. She had sat rigid and numb across from Nia for at least an hour while Nia had griped about how she needed to be willing, not wilful, if she was to recover from her sexual illness. 

She had also asked Clarke to detail her previous female relationships, so the sin could be ‘confessed and repented’. And so Clarke had talked on about the few girls from school she had kissed in the bathrooms or behind the old caretakers shed. She told Nia about Finn, although she was less interested in that and far more attentive when Clarke started talking about Niylah, and how they had been together before and after her father’s death. As Clarke went on, she could see that talking about her relationship with Niylah was making Nia uncomfortable, who had frowned in distaste. Clarke had started to take a little bit of joy in it, making sure to go into explicit detail about how good the sex had been. 

Nia had once again, piously implied that the trauma of her father’s death may have been part of the root cause that worsened her ‘illness’, and that God was punishing Clarke. It had made her burn with rage and grief but she stuck to her resolve to hold it in silently, sitting taunt and jaw clenched. Clarke made sure to nod now and then so that it looked like she was taking it all in. 

Eventually Nia let Clarke go, thanking her sickly sweet for being cooperative and making progress. 

Thinking about it all was making Clarke see red again. She felt frustrated with the lack of control she had over her situation. Why her? There were places all over where girls liking girls was perfectly fine, celebrated even. And here she was stuck in the back of beyond with a bunch of power hungry, vindictive homophobes!

Clarke was stomping off in the direction of the woods again before she knew it. Her legs carried her there unconsciously with long heavy strides while her mind hummed with rage. 

Pine after pine passed her, towering miles above her own head. Somehow being amongst those trees, stretching towards the endless sky, and the fresh earthy smell of the woods, reminding her so much of Lexa, calmed her down. 

Clarke stopped pacing for a minute to take a deep breath. The session with Nia was over. She had been told Jaha was to be her regular one-on-one counsellor, so hopefully she wouldn’t have step foot in that office again. The afternoon had been so lovely and peaceful before, why let Nia ruin it? 

Now that she had a hold of herself, Clarke looked around to find herself in a completely unfamiliar part of the woods. Shit. Was she lost? How big could the damn forest be? 

She tried wandering a bit further to see if she could recognise anything, although when nothing looked right, she flopped down to rest against the base of pine in despair. 

Great. According to Nia, she was responsible for her father’s death, she was lost as fuck and now she would probably have to sleep out here. Clarke let out a frustrated growl, feeling wet tears prick in her eyes. She pressed her fists into her eyes.

a few moments later, Clarke heard footsteps crunching in the pine, coming towards her. She whirled in that direction to see Lexa coming towards her, carrying a plate balanced on a book.

“This is the second time I’ve had to rescue you from the woods Clarke.” Lexa teased, smirk in place. 

Clarke let out a watery smile. “And I’m grateful. The woods calm me down though, well they did, until I got lost. There’s something about them.”

“I know, I feel it too. I used to have to spend hours out here when I first came to camp. I think we all did. Although none of us have ever managed to let this lost.” Lexa rasped, sitting down beside her. 

“I brought you your dinner. They stopped serving and I thought you would be hungry after your session.” She explained a little bashfully, setting down a plate of cold lasagne on the ground in front of them. “Also, I brought you this. The rest of us have all finished with it, so its all yours.”

She handed Clarke a worn copy of ‘The Price of Salt’. Clarke hugged it too her chest, smile growing. 

“I love this book. I guess it goes without saying that it’s contraband?” 

“Yes, very.” Lexa said, chuckling. “Titus rarely does room checks, but best to keep it under your mattress, just to be safe.”

Clarke felt the tears return, a little overwhelmed with how sweet Lexa was being to her. “Lex… thank you so much. Honestly, it means a lot.” She croaked out earnestly, trying to express how grateful she was that Lexa obviously cared. Coming all the way out to find her and bringing dinner, plus a book. 

“Of course Clarke. You're more than welcome.” Lexa replied seriously. 

Clarke started on the lasagne, setting it on her lap. God, Lexa had brought her cutlery and everything.

“Do you want to talk about your session with Nia?” the brunette asked carefully.

“I don’t know how you have put up with her for so long. Really, she’s merciless. I wonder how she ended up so bitter and nasty.” Clarke burst out.

“Raven thinks she is a repressed closet lesbian and she’s taking her internalised homophobia out on us.” Lexa joked.

“I’d believe it.” Clarke said, rolling her eyes. “But really, I’m just glad it’s over. I hate her talking about my dad the way she does.” Clarke looked down at her lap, barely getting the last part out.

Lexa shuffled closer to her, not quite touching her. “I’m sorry Clarke. It will get better. I swear it” she said fervently.

Clarke looked up to those honest green eyes, staring straight down into them for several moments trying to determine if Lexa could feel what was between them too. Satisfied by what she saw, she leaned down to rest her head against Lexa’s shoulder, nuzzling into her neck and breathing her in. Lexa wrapped her arm around Clarke’s shoulders, wanting to bring her as much comfort as possible. 

——

The next two days passed just the same. Clarke followed the camp routine along with the other girls, as they were shuffled between meals and prayers and therapy. Clarke was the focus of group sessions for the rest of the week with one of the three councillors. Her private life was leached out of her and dissected in front of the other girls, although Clarke never felt any judgement from them, just Nia and Titus. 

Her and Lexa shared more fleeting glances, although got no more time together. By the time the weekend rolled around, Clarke was desperate for a break from sessions and chapel. Lexa had told her weekends were more relaxed and she hoped that was true because she just wanted to forget for a moment how messed up this place was and have some fun. 

 

Saturday was okay. They still got woken up super early with the anthem, and then shuffled to prayers. The only difference seemed to be that the girls got to wear their gym shorts and camp t-shirts with sneakers. Clarke pulled the grey baggy shirt, embossed with the camp logo, over her head and then marched along to sit in those hard pews and listen to pastor eye-spasm drone on. It was over before she knew it, thank god. Clarke was looking forward to doing school work in the study hall and messing around with the girls. She didn't have much work left to do in her workbooks, so she could really just read and hang out with the others. 

Just when Clarke thought she was free to go, Nia waltzed in and announced, “We will be having exercise time out on the field again today girls! Please be ready to review the rules.” 

Oh shit. Clarke wasn’t sure she would be able to recite every single one of the rules word for word. She had been saved by Octavia last time but she doubted she could get out of running the circuit altogether again. Nia will want to see her sweat. 

Just like the first day, the girls started running the field, and then answering Nia’s questions. Clarke quickly learned that the girls knew the rules off by heart, so the only time they had to do the circuit was when they refused to answer, which Anya, Raven and Octavia did often when the rule was a particularly homophobic one. Or when they misspoke, like Maya sometimes did when the pressure got to her. 

Not too long into the whole charade, Nia tested Clarke. “What is the second rule of Healthy Directions, Griffin?” she asked, smirking.

“Um, No fraternising with other female campers least we sin against God?” Clarke tried.

“Incorrect. Rule number two states that _under no circumstances_ should there be fraternising with other female campers least you commit an _atrocity against God_. Run the circuit immediately.” Nia demanded righteously, with a cruel smirk. 

Clarke nodded to herself and marched over to the start of the circuit. She took a deep breathe and started up a light jog until she got to the first obstacle. She had to army crawl under a low net, forearms scrapping the dirt hard ground. Once she made it through, she moved on to the bars and then the high climbing net. Once she had made it over, she was faced with a high brick wall, higher than her head. This was the hardest part. 

She jumped to reach up and grasp the edge of the wall, but her finger tips slipped. She tried again and got a good grasp but then trying to hoist herself was difficult when her feet couldn't get any purchase on the wall. Breathing hard, Clarke banged a fist against the brick. How the fuck did any of them do this? It seemed near impossible without some kind of leg up. 

Then, Clarke heard her, Lexa’s sweet voice carrying in the breeze. “Try again Clarke! Get a running jump!” she encouraged. 

“Yeah Clarke, you can do it!” Octavia joined in.

steeling herself, Clarke backed up and then against her better instinct, sprinted full speed toward the wall. She leaped as high as she could and used all her upper body strength to pull herself up and over. 

Once she cleared it she heard more clapping and cheering from the other girls in the distance. Smiling to herself, Clarke finished the rest of the obstacles with ease, and jogged back to stand in front of Nia. 

She was not happy. Face marred with dismay, she barked out, “Run the field! Twice! I will have order!” 

But Nia couldn’t bring her down. Clarke felt the adrenaline pump through her, urging her on. She looked over to see Lexa smiling at her proudly, and she smiled back, moving over to start running alongside her.  

——

Come Sunday morning, Clarke was slightly achey from Nia’s torture, but she knew that after service this morning they would all have the rest of the day free, and for once she was excited.

They had to wear their grey dresses buttons all the way to the rounded collar, and hair braided neatly back for Sunday worship. 

Clarke had sat on the floor between Lexa’s legs, who was perched on Clarke’s bunk, gently running her fingers through her golden blonde tresses before pulling it back into a single french braid. Clarke had practically melted with delight at the feeling of Lexa softly scratching her scalp and pulling on locks of hair with the utmost tenderness. 

Sunday worship turned out to be long and arduous, especially given patience was not one of Clarke’s finest virtues. 

The pastor and Titus lead it, taking turns reading scripture and then preaching about it. Most of what was said was to do with resisting the temptation of homosexual sin, but there was some stuff about the holy spirit and morality thrown in for good measure. 

Each of the girls took turns once again praying aloud. Raven prayed for a fruitful womb and Octavia thanked the almighty God for taco Tuesdays in the cafeteria. Clarke just got up and mumbled some shit about good weather. 

Jaha even lead them through some god-awful hymn about Jesus, although Clarke didn’t think baby J. C. would be too impressed with it because they ended up sounding like a bunch of cats being dragged up the highway. 

Just when Clarke couldn’t take being holed up in the stuffy Chapel in that sweaty grey dress any longer, they were let go. Clarke could taste the freedom in the air, and there was a hum of excitement between all the girls. The shuffled quickly and quietly out of the Chapel, heads bowed, but as soon as they busted through heavy wooden doors, and were hit with the fresh morning, they were off skipping and running. 

Clarke joined in, giggling at the whoops and hollering the girls let out as they made for their bunk cabin. Clarke tore her grey sack over her head, switching for a t-shirt and shorts once again. Just as she was yanking the ties from her hair, she was hauled out the back door by Octavia, where the others were all huddled around, waiting and free of their dresses too. 

Clarke leaned against the wood of the cabin wall, where their was shade and took in the others campers before her. Everyone was grinning, cheeks flushed, even her usually serious Lexa now smiled beautifully, curls free and flying wild. 

 “Okay girls, I don’t know about you, but I think its time we got a little revenge.” Octavia started, sounding like complete and utter trouble. 

“Its been too long since we pulled one over on these bastards. So O and I thought a little Sunday afternoon prank was in order.” Raven finished, grin turning evil.

“I’m so in.” Anya declared, smirking. “Anyone got any ideas? We need something original or it’ll be too easy to pin on us.”

“I think Clarke should decide what we do. She’s the one whose been under the newbie spotlight all week, plus she’s never done a prank here before.” Harper chimed in. 

Clarke looked to Lexa, surprised she hadn’t pulled rank and shut the conversation down. But to Clarke’s surprise, Lexa was nodding along, still smiling, apparently completely on board with this craziness. 

“Wait, are you guys serious? Won’t we get in trouble?” Clarke butted in. 

“Oh Clarke. Young Clarke, so much to learn.” Raven taunted, chuckling.

“Actually Rae, I’m a month older-” 

“We cover our tracks and play it smart. If they accuse us of something, then we deny, deny, deny and they can’t punish us all. There’s not enough sanitation rooms. Got it Griffin?” Octavia asked

“I’m with you.” Clarke said, grinning. This was gonna be fun.

“All right then, do you have any ideas? Have you done any pranks before?” Lexa asked.

“Once, my friend Wells and I let off a stink bomb in class. It smelt like rotten eggs in there for a week.”

“A stink bomb? What is this, third grade?” Said Anya. 

“No wait, that actually might be good. We could target the administration block… get all their offices.” Raven said. You could practically see the gears turning in her head. 

“But where would we even get our hands on a stink bomb? It’s not like we can drive down to Walmart and pick one up.” Clarke added.

Ye of little faith! I’ll need access to the kitchen and some ammonia, but I reckon I can cook us up something that will blow their small town christian minds.” Raven said wickedly.

“That’s my genius girl.” Octavia cooed, pressing a kiss to Raven’s cheek.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little longer because I wanted to keep the whole day together. Prank, Spotlight and Clexa Kisses coming up! Enjoy ;)  
> As always thank you for all the comments and kudos! It really drives me to write some decent shit for you guys so I really appreciate it!
> 
> Much love x

Raven need garlic, onions and a box of matches from the kitchen, all of which was under lock and key. However this seemed to present no problems for the girls, who accepted the challenge with shit eating grins. 

Once Raven had explained her plan, Lexa had gone into commander mode, organising everyone and had tasked Anya and Octavia with breaking into the caretakers shed for the ammonia acid, while she and Lexa took the kitchen. Raven was investigating the AC in the administration block to see if she could get the stink bomb to infiltrate the whole ventilation system and Harper and Maya were on look out for the God Squad. 

Once her and Lexa got to the kitchen, Lexa grabbed her hand and held it in hers as she dragged Clarke over to the locked pantry. Clarke’s heart soared at the feeling of Lexa’s hand firmly holding hers as if they had be doing it all their lives. Lexa could drag her to the other side of the world to rob a swiss bank and Clarke would gladly follow. 

Lexa knelt down at the lock and pulled a couple of pins from her pocket and began to pick it like an expert.

“Looks like you’ve done this before.” Clarke observed. Lexa’s bad girl side was making her feel little wild.

“That’s because I have. A lot.” She smiled up at Clarke. “After being here for two years you get good at this kinda thing, especially when the food gets inedible… I can show you if you like? that way when you want a midnight snack, you can help yourself.” 

Clarke grinned. if only her mother could see her now, learning how to pick locks with a gorgeous girl instead of learning how to be straight. “Okay, sure!” 

Argh calm down Clarke, you sound like an over-eager dork. 

Clarke knelt down beside Lexa, their sides brushing and the air between them becoming static with the familiar feelings between them. 

Lexa cleared her throat. “Great! So the locks aren’t very heavy duty so you can just use the raking technique. You get a paper clip or bobby pins, preferably something with a few bumps, then you push it though the key hole all the way to the back and pull it out again, quickly.” Lexa explained, demonstrating and showing her the lock.

“You might need to do it a few times before all the pins are set. Here you try.” Lexa offered her the pins and lock. 

Clarke tried to follow Lexa’s instructions but she couldn’t get it to turn. Lexa gently placed her hands over Clarke’s, guiding her fingers. Lexa was only touching her hands, but Clarke could feel her everywhere, her whole presence consuming her. 

“You need to loosen your grip a little, its all about the tension you place on the paper clip.” Lexa rasped next to her, adjusting Clarke’s grip. She helped her manoeuvre the clip in and then rake it out, the lock turning and opening with a pop. 

“We did it.” Clarke breathed out. She looked over to see Lexa already looking at her intently, and gently squeezed her fingers. 

They removed the lock and swung the pantry doors open to reveal a deep closet space, lined with shelves and food and supplies spilling out. 

“Holy shit. I will definitely be coming back here.”

Lexa chuckled next to her and pulled her in, still kept their hands intertwined, which delighted Clarke. Maybe Lexa didn’t want to let go anymore than she did.

“Come on, the stuff we need is over here.” Lexa moved them over to the back self and started to stuff her pockets with cloves of garlic and a couple of onions. 

“Lex, why don’t you let me take some?” Clarke asked, eyeing Lexa’s now bulging pockets.

“Plausible deniability. I don’t you want to get in trouble if we get caught.” Lexa said with a wink. 

“Lex, I-” 

“No arguments. Now we still need to find the matches.” Lexa interrupted in a no-nonsense tone.

Huffing, Clarke let go of Lexa’s hand to go search the other side, while Lexa doubled back to check the front of the of the pantry for matches. After a few minutes of searching and coveting snacks she was going to pinch later, Clarke found a jumbo box of matches next to a kitchen first aid kit. 

“Over here Lex! I found some!” Clarke called out. 

Just as Lexa rounded the corner, the matches slipped from Clarke’s hands, and as she was bending down to pick them up, she managed to trip over on some potatoes that had rolled onto the floor in their search. Lexa tried to catch Clarke, but ended up getting tangled with her and they both fell to the floor in a heap. 

“Ow.” Clark muttered, rubbing her stinging head which had banged the shelf on the way down. 

“Are you okay?” Lexa got out, muffled, from where she was still half buried under Clarke. 

“Yeah.” Clarke sighed, both of them sitting up and rightening themselves.

Suddenly Clarke was looking straight at a concerned Lexa, brows pulled together adorably and stray curls in her eyes. Clarke was completely in Lexa’s space, staring at her and trying to reorientate herself without looking like a clumsy dimwit.

“Sorry Lex.” Clarke managed to croak out, completely absorbed in how close she was to Lexa, how she could smell that same earth-honey scent and see the golden flecks in Lexa’s eyes. 

“It’s fine, Clarke.” Lexa whispered. She reached up to brush a strand of silky blonde from Clarke’s eyes, tucking it behind her ear. 

Clarke swallowed the lump in her throat. She could feel the pull between them, Lexa’s touch burning where her fingers had brushed her cheek, the stampede it caused in the pit of her stomach. She needed more. 

She moved in slowly, watching Lexa as she shorted the gap between their lips. But Lexa was moving towards her too, looking at her with the same adoration and reverence. 

 Their lips meet tentatively at first, a feather light brush, which made a blissful shudder run up Clarke’s spine.

And then both Clarke and Lexa were pressing forward fervently. 

It felt like home. It felt falling off the precipice and feeling the air rush past you. It was sweet and electric all at the same time and Clarke couldn’t get enough. 

She moved onto Lexa’s lap, her fingers tangling in her loose hair. Lexa cupped her cheek, other hand on firm on Clarke’s lower back, drawing her forward. Her whole body was warm and her hungry lips were tingling.

“Well, well, well, so this is what’s taking you two so long.” 

Shit had they been caught!? Clarke broke away, her heart leaping out of her chest. Oh well, even if they locked her away for the rest of her stay here, it would have been worth it to kiss Lexa like that. 

Both their breaths were coming out in short puffs. Clarke could feel it against her cheek as  Lexa rested her forehead against hers, eyes still closed.  

“Could you fuck off Raven?” Lexa said bitterly, although Clarke could still hear the smile in Lexa’s voice. 

“Clarke scrambled of Lexa’s lap. “Jesus Raven you gave me a heart attack!” Clarke accused. 

“As it should. I could’ve been Nia!” Raven defended. 

“Oh like you and Octavia don’t make out all over the place” Lexa scoffed. 

“Yeah well we have more sense that to make out here, that’s for sure. It gives a whole new meaning to being in the closet.” 

“Ha ha” Clarke muttered sardonically. Why did they always have to get interrupted just when things were getting good? 

Clarke and Lexa helped each other up, and the three of them moving out, taking the forgotten matches and making sure to lock the pantry. Raven snagged a mason jar on the way out.

“Rae, you can’t go around yapping about what you just saw.” Lexa whispered, eyes flickering around the empty mess hall, watching out for trouble. 

“No shit commander, don't worry, your secret’s safe with me.” Raven whispered back, throwing her a wink. 

“Somehow, that doesn’t fill me with confidence.” Lexa muttered sarcastically. 

“You couldn’t wait till next week though? I’ve lost 20 to O now.” Raven shot back.

“Jesus Raven, you bet on us?!” Lexa hissed out.

But Clarke could’t bring herself to care. She was only half listening to what they were saying as they crept out of the kitchen to meet the other girls back behind the bunk cabin. Clarke felt like she was on could-nine, like her feet couldn’t touch the ground. Lexa must care for her too to kiss her back like that. This camp situation just got a whole lot better. 

 

——

 

“What took you two so long?” Anya demanded, eyes narrowed, as soon as they meet back with the others.

“I caught these two sinners making out in the pantry.” Raven boasted.

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose, exasperated. “Raven I _just_ asked you not to-”

“Fuck yes you owe me a Jackson, Rae!” Octavia hollered, doing a little happy dance. 

 

Raven had them bring all the supplies they had gathered into their bunk room which she was now dubbing her evil laboratory. Everyone but Octavia, her ‘evil assistant’, was banished from the cabin while Raven worked her magic, and probably made out with said assistant. Lexa briefed them on the plan outside. 

“Okay we don’t have long until we get called in for dinner, so we need to be quick and efficient.” She said, in full commander strategy mode. “Octavia and I will place the bomb in the ventilation system which Raven has opened up, and then re-screw the shutter on. As the youngest Maya and Harper must be on the look-out, although hopefully that won’t be necessary because Nia and Jaha should be in their offices.”

“Why not me?” Anya asked, offended.  

“Wouldn’t you rather watch the action unfold? Besides I need you to keep an eye on everything from the other end. Make sure the escape is smooth.” Lexa countered. 

“Where’s Titus?” Clarke asked. He was scary. Nia was scary too, but in a predicable way, so you knew what was coming. With Titus anything seemed possible. 

“He goes away on Sundays. It’s one of the 7th wonders of the world as to where though.” Harper chirped. 

“ _Anyway,_ the rest of you should find positions on the North side of the administration block, where there are windows looking into Jaha’s and Nia’s offices, so that you can see the reaction.” Lexa continued in her powerful tone.

“Nia and Jaha will flee out the main entrance when the bomb is released, so as they leave their offices, you will need to creep around the side of the building and reconvene on the field, in plain sight, as if nothing had happened.”

Lexa looked over at Clarke, serious and commanding, “Clarke, seen as this prank is in honour of you today, you may choose whether you want to place the bomb or watch.” 

Clarke wanted to be with Lexa, but more than that she desperately wanted to see the expression on Nia’s face when hell was unleashed in her office. 

“I’ll watch with the others.” 

“Okay then.” Lexa said with a neutral expression. “Nobody fuck it up.”

Anya rolled her eyes. Raven burst out of the Cabin shaking a mason jar triumphantly above her head. 

“I beheld the wretch, the miserable monster whom I had created!” She cackled, grinning. 

“ _You_ read Frankenstein Rae?” Clarke asked dubiously. 

“I read the cliff notes for English.” 

“Ah.”  

 

——

 

Clarke was meandering on the grass with the others, trying to look nonchalant while catching her breath, having sprinted like made over to the field from their positions watching Nia and Jaha.

The prank had gone perfectly. Clarke had chosen to peek through Nia’s office window from the outside, and it had been the right decision. The disgusted and horrified look on Nia’s face when she got whiff of their bomb had been priceless. Clarke was sure it would be a treasured memory to last a lifetime. It would serve that bitch right for disrespecting her father’s memory the way she did. 

Moments after getting hit by a wave of stink, Nia bolted up from her desk chair, knocking over a stack of important looking files on her desk in the process. Papers flying, she fled from the room in a completely undignified manner while Clarke and the other campers watched on, laughing in complete hysterics. 

Anya had lead them around the side of the office quickly and as quietly as they could manage between peels of laughter, where they then made a mad dash for the field before Nia and Jaha came looking for them. Lexa and Octavia were yet to catch up with them which Clarke wanted to worry about, but she was too busy replaying Nia’s hilarious facial expression in her head to take it seriously. 

God Clarke hadn’t had a rush like that in a long time. This was turning out to be the most exciting day ever. First finally getting to make out with Lexa and now this. Clarke couldn’t help but grin like mad. 

“They made it.” Anya called out, spotting Lexa and Octavia jogging over to them.

Lexa looked exuberant, her face stretched out into beautiful smile and long chestnut curls flowing out behind her. 

“It worked.” She breathed out when she came to stand next to the group. “What were their faces like? O and I saw them talking outside of the admin block as we were leaving. Nia looked like she was going to have a brain aneurysm.” Lexa said, laughing. 

“There was practically steam coming out her ears, she was so angry!” Octavia added joyfully. 

“Honestly, Nia looked totally horrified when she realised what was happening too! She almost fell over herself to get out of the office!” Maya piped up, giggling.

Raven looked so smug her bomb had worked so well. “Serves that bitch right.”

Clarke nodded in agreement. 

“Look whose coming kids.” Anya pointed out, seeing Nia Storming over their way from the distance, Jaha looking unhappy too, taking long strides to keep up with Nia’s war march. Anya had the audacity to wave at them cheerily, like they were old friends. 

“Clarke, how much do you know about the Spanish Inquisition?” Octavia asked. 

“Not a lot. Why?” Didn’t they torture information out of people during that thing? 

“Well you’re about to learn a lot.” Octavia retorted cheekily.

“Don’t scare her, Octavia.” Lexa reprimanded, sighing. Then turning to look at Clarke earnestly; “They haven’t got anything on us. But maybe leave the talking to us, okay?” 

“Works for me.” Clarke agreed with a shrug. 

 

—— 

 

When Nia and Jaha reached them, Nia was huffing angrily, looking murderous and while Jaha didn’t seem quite as angry, you could tell he was annoyed but trying to hold it back until he found out what was going on.

“I know one of you was to blame for this, and when I find out who, there will be hell to pay!” Nia stretched, red faced and sweaty. And she smelt horrific. There was a disgusting stench coming off the pair of them, like rotten eggs and burnt hair and a dead animal got together and had an orgy. 

“To blame for what?” Raven asked, all innocence and sweetness.

“You know what for Reyes, you little-”

“Now, now I think its best we all head over to the dining hall and discuss this rationally.” Jaha counselled, ever the patronising voice of reason. 

Nia just scowled and started off in the direction of the dining hall, leaving the rest of them to trail after her. 

 

 

The ‘Spanish Inquisition’ which Octavia had eluded to, seemed to consist of Nia arguing back and forth between Lexa, Anya, Raven and Octavia with Jaha watching on like some kind of benevolent court house judge. Every now and then Nia would try and poke a hole in their defence and accuse Maya, Harper or herself, thinking them weak links. But they would just deny any knowledge of the smells in the administration block, or be intercepted by one of the other four. It was driving Nia crazy, the woman looked like she was about to combust. 

Clarke wanted to be nervous about being punished, but none of the other girls seemed the slightest but worried about it, which was reassuring to Clarke. Besides, it was too much fun to regret. 

Eventually one of the dinner ladies hesitantly shuffled over to tell Jaha that their meals were ready, at which point he put a stop to the heated argument that was just going around in circles. 

“Alright everyone, that’s enough for tonight. It seems the cause of the smell remains unknown at present, so I think it would be best if we left the issue alone for now and eat this wonderful dinner that God had provided for us.” Jaha declared, tired and frustrated looking.

Actually it was the underpaid cooks, but whatever. 

“Nia and I will discuss and pray about this issue, at length, with Titus, so rest assured we will get to the bottom of this.” Jaha finished solemnly. Nia looked like she was ready to slit Jaha’s throat for interrupting her tirade. 

Their slightly cold dinner was eaten in thick silence while the girls shared secret smiles with one another, having succeeded in pissing both the counsellors off. 

When dinner was finished, Jaha stood and informed them that himself and Nia need to go home for the rest of the night to calm down and wash up, given the smell that clung to them, and that Pastor Paul would be watching over them until morning. The pair of them got up silently and walked across the room, not even bidding the girls goodnight, or ‘god bless’, their shoes clanking against the floor boards and echoing around the hall. As they left, all the serious, negative energy went with them, zapped up in the blackholes that were Heathy Direction’s leaders. 

The girls were silent for several moments, staring at each other. Clarke was in disbelief- they just upped and left! Now they had the whole night practically unsupervised because pastor eye-spasm didn't even know what day of the week it was, let alone what to do with a bunch of unruly gay girls. He was seriously losing it. Clarke reckoned he must be taking one too many extra sips from the communion wine nowadays. 

Octavia and Raven promptly burst out laughing, the pair of them howling and clutching at each other as if they couldn’t quite believe what had just happened. Maya and Harper started giggling too. Clarke looked across the table you see that all Lexa’s seriousness had vanished, and she was trying to hold back her laughter, although not quite managing. Even Anya was chuckling. 

This day just got wilder and wilder. Their raucous laughing was infectious, and soon Clarke was shaking with laughter too, crying with it. She couldn’t help herself. Clarke thought is was one of the most beautiful things she’d ever seen, all her lovely new friends, deliriously happy and falling over themselves with laughter. Lexa looked radiant, her cheeks were flushed and her green eyes danced around the room, soaking it all in too. 

Eventually they quietened down, where they were then faced with the decision of what to do on the free night they had earned themselves. It was Raven who came up with the winning idea.

“Whose up for a good old fashioned game of Spotlight?” She asked, wicked expression on her face.

“Oh hell yeah! I’m gonna kick you bitches to the curb.” Anya announced cockily. “I call the torch! All you unholy gays better run!” 

Raven and O shot up hand in hand, and made a break for the door. Harper was not far behind them and Maya was hurrying to clear her plate, too polite to just leave it on the table. 

“Lex, whats going?!” Clarke asked a little alarmed by the evil look on Anya’s face and fact that everyone was bolting from the hall. 

“I’ll explain in the woods, come on!” Lexa urged, taking Clarke’s hand yet again and tugging her gently towards the heavy double doors. 

Once outside, the endless summer sun was slowly setting, leaving the sky a swirling mess of pinks and oranges. Clarke could still feel the warmth in the air and the familiar hum of cicadas. If she hadn’t been caught up being with Lexa, she might have stopped to bring the scene to life on paper. As it was there was nothing else she’d rather be doing than running free with Lexa’s warm hand in hers. 

Lexa hurried them over to the bunk cabin, wear she pulled out their black wool cardigans from the wooden closet that they were to wear with their day dresses, although it was always too hot to do so. Lexa flung Clarke’s at her and quickly tied hers around her waist. 

Giggling and following Lexa’s lead blindly, they left the bunk room and started jogging towards the woods. Clarke could see the others ahead of them, whooping and laughing as they entered the forest, getting swallowed by in the huge pines. 

Soon they were in the woods too. It was darker, like twilight where all the light hadn’t fully been leeched from the sky yet. She might have been scared to wander the dark and cold woods at night, but she had Lexa with her, still holding her hand and leading her deeper still, safe. Both of them were grinning and breathing heavy from the running, which was the only sound apart from the faint giggling and whispers of the others, elsewhere in the forest. 

“Ready or not, hear I come!” Anya bellowed out ominously from the entrance of the forest behind them. 

“This way” Lexa murmured, turning to the right and pulling them further. It felt so right to be there next to her. Clarke clutched her hand a little tighter.

“Have you ever played spotlight before?” Lexa asked, slowing down now that they were away from Anya. 

“Yeah, when I was little, I think?” 

“It’s kind of the unofficial camp game here. I used to sneak out with all the older girls after lights out to play constantly in my first year. Except I always won because I’m excellent at navigating the woods.” Lexa looked over at her to shoot her a cheeky smile. “So don’t worry, you’re in good hands.” 

“Modest too, I see.” Clarke scoffed. 

“Naturally.” Lexa retorted, smug.

“Okay, so we just don’t get caught under Anya’s spotlight, right?” 

“Right.” Lexa confirmed. 

 

——

 

Lexa and Clarke had been wandering for a while. To Clarke it would have seemed random, but she knew there was reason to the twists and patterns Lexa was weaving in the woods. 

Lexa had asked her about home, about her friends and school before camp. Things that she didn't already know from group therapy, and at Lexa’s gentle probing, Clarke had told her about the small group of people she used to hang out with. And how now that she had meet Lexa and the others, those people seemed less like good friends and more like people she stuck around with because they were conveniently there during school hours. How she liked her learning but didn't feel particularly challenged or inspired by the classes or teachers. It was just a place she went for 5 or 6 hours a day. 

She told Lexa about her art, how she dearly loved to draw and paint. Mostly emotion-ridden abstract collections but also depictions of places and people she loved, too. How she liked to freeze them, eternal with ink, so she could never loose them. 

Lexa listened carefully, fully attuned to Clarke as if she was committing every single detail to memory. Her thumb rubbed circles on Clarke’s hand where she held it which made Clarke feel fuzzy and blissful. 

Eventually they got onto the topic of her Mom, and Clarke had confessed despairingly how things had been strained between them for a while. After her dad had died, her mom had thrown herself into church life and ‘reconnected’ with Jesus. Between that her busy schedule as a doctor at the local hospital, Clarke barely saw her and with her dad also gone, she left more alone than ever. She could go days sometimes without running into her Mom, especially seen as she often refused to join her at church unless strictly necessary. 

She told Lexa about how in order to keep herself sane she had relied on using her art more and more to get by, to give the days reason and fill them with something other than the loneliness and emptiness. When she was creating she felt unburdened, hopeful even. It was for this reason she wanted increasingly to pursue a career in art, much to her mothers disapproval. 

When Clarke had finished she found herself once again, hyper curious about Lexa. She wanted to know all there was to know about the usually serious girl who held her hand so. 

“What about your parents? Do you see them often?” Clarke asked kindly.

The air between them thickened a little and had Clarke not been feeding off the frequency that ran between them, she might have not noticed. Lexa was silent for a few moments and Clarke wanted to take back her invasive question as it seemed she had crossed some invisible line. 

“I didn’t mean to pry. Forget I-” Clarke started.

“No, no Clarke, it's okay. Honestly.” Lexa interrupted, sincere. “Its nothing the others haven’t heard in group therapy before.”

“I would rather you told me because you wanted to.” Clarke said lowly. 

“I do want to.” Lexa said, catching Clarke’s eyes so she knew she meant it. 

Clarke nodded and squeezed Lexa’s hand to let her know she was listening. 

“Father is the head pastor of one of those Megachurches, the ‘Mighty River Temple’, have you heard of it?” 

“No. But I don’t know much about these things.”

“He started it years back, but in the last few years it became very popular and drew incredibly large crowds, so he is frequently busy with that, as is mother. She does a lot of administration work for him. I have an elder brother too, Aden, and we used to get along great, although he is much older than I am. He's a college graduate and works in the city now, so I don't get much to see him much as he doesn't get enough time off work to come all the way out here.” 

“I’ve seen my parents more since I came here, they sometimes visit on parent day.”

“Oh. Thats nice.” Clarke tried.

Lexa shot her a small smile. “Sometimes it is. Like you and your mother, I struggle to get along with my parents.”

Lexa took a deep breath and carried on. 

“They sent me here when they caught me with Costia. Because I loved her. Because she was mine and she was a girl. Her parents were devoted members of my father’s congregation, and so avoid a scandal, they moved away taking Costia with them. She didn’t want her parents to abandon her and neither did I, so we had to break it off. 

I was here the very next week to avoid embarrassment to my father at his own church. I think my mother wanted to protest my being sent away, but she also takes her role as the pastor’s wife very seriously.”

“I want to get along with them, They’re my parents after all. But sometimes, they don’t make it easy.” She concluded quietly. 

“Clarke’s breath was caught in her throat. She understood, understood as much as she could how difficult things could get when a parent can’t accept the way you are. And it made her heart burn a little to hear that Lexa’s parents apparently cared about their church more than then cared about her. 

She stopped their walking and reached to grab Lexa’s other hand, wanting to draw her nearer. “Lex… I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. Its not your fault.” Lexa whispered back.

“It’s not yours either.” Clarke said, searching deep in Lexa’s green eyes, trying to convey how true she knew that was. 

“Honestly Lex, it's their loss. They’re missing out on one of the best people ever.” Clarke stated with conviction. 

Lexa chuckled. “Thanks.” She said, smiling wider. “Besides I’ve come to like it here. Despite Titus and Nia and Jaha, most of the time it’s a lot better than being stuck at my Father’s right hand, playing the perfect pastor’s daughter.”

“I can understand that. Today has been wonderful.”

“It has.” Lexa agreed. 

And then she was staring at Clarke. Looking at her with something akin to awe, like Clarke had dropped from the sky and made her day just by being right there next to her in the woods.

Clarke couldn’t help herself. She was powerless under Lexa’s heavy gaze. She reached up to cup her cheek, stroking it gently, because this girl was extraordinary. 

It was Lexa who leaned in first, moving one of her hands to her waist and starting off sweet, pressing her lips tenderly against Clarke’s. And it was Clarke who just got lost in it. The feeling of Lexa’s soft lips moving so carefully with hers had her gasping, her stomach fluttering. 

Clarke pressed herself against Lexa, trying to move closer, tangling her hand in those long curls she loved so much, other hand still cupping her cheek, drawing her closer. She kissed back hungrily, taking Lexa’s lower lip between hers until Lexa kissed her back just as greedily, hot and open mouthed. 

Clarke moaned, _moaned_ at the feeling, which only seemed to spur Lexa on more. Next thing she knew, they were slowing backing up until Lexa had her pinned against a tree, kissing her senseless. One of Clarke’s hands moved to the small of Lexa’s back, finding its way under her t-shirt to the smooth, warm skin there as she kissed back fervently.  

Just then, a spotlight was suddenly cast over them, bright yellow light shining straight into their eyes. They broke apart, Clarke gasping having being caught and Lexa let out a deep breath, before gently kissing Clarke’s cheek. 

“Hey guys! I just found the commander!” Anya announced loudly. You could hear the grin in her voice.

Lexa brought her hand up to shield her eyes from the torch light and moving away from her, which made Clarke want to whine, Anya be damned. 

“You ruin everything Anya.” said Lexa bitterly. 

“Boo-hoo, you can make out with your girl later. I’ve been looking for the two of you for ages. Should have known you’d be together.”

Raven and Octavia followed but Harper and Maya came bounding up next. 

“Well, lookey here! Do my eyes deceive me or have we interrupted Clexa again?! What a blessed day.” Raven cooed with delight at Clarke’s obvious embarrassment at having being caught groping Lexa up against a tree like a horny teenage boy

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re bonafide crackers and bananas, Raven?” Clarke teased back.

“Everyday!” she replied cheerily. 

“Crazy and genius are just two sides of the same coin babe.” Octavia assures her. 

“Made in the image of God, I was.” Raven agrees. 

Anya, who had been watching on with skepticism, buts in. “Allllllriiiiigght. We should probably head in before Granddad Pastor shits himself because he lost his lesbians.” 

They all strolled back to the bunk cabin somewhat reluctantly. Clarke especially was disappointed to have to go back, for the day to end. She knew that tomorrow would be Monday and she wouldn’t get time like this with Lexa again until maybe the next weekend. But it would be worth it to wait. Today had been just what she needed. 

They collapsed onto their bunks, shedding their sneakers and cardigans as they went. Shortly after that, the Old Pastor stuck his head around the corner looking shifty. Clarke wonders if maybe he's summoned Titus because they ran off into the woods.

“No black magic.” He croaks instead.

“What the eff?” Clarke heard Octavia whisper with a note of wonder from the bunk across from hers. 

“I know what you lesbian youths get up to these days when you’re near a forest with your seances and Ouija boards and witch-craft. No fooling around with the devil! Or each other for that matter.” 

Satisfied with his occult rant, he shuffles straight back out the door. 

What the actual fuck?

After that there is a bit more giggling before everyone settles down to sleep. Clarke hears Lexa roll over, the springs of the bed creaking above her. A few moments later Lexa murmurs a gentle ‘goodnight Clarke’ into the darkness, which makes her smile. 

“Yes, goodnight Clarke. Thought I should probably give you a special goodnight too, seen as Lexa did.” Raven whispers sarcastically.

“Yeah, good point Rae. Nighty night Clarke!” Octavia chimes in. 

“Night Clarkeeeee!” 

“Goodnight Clarke!”

Harper and Maya catch on, joining in on to little joke to mock Lexa, who huffs in her bunk.

“Anya? Don’t you have something you wanna say to me?” Clarke teases.

“No.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit of a filler unfortunately but it didn't stop me from making it all Clexa goodness! Next chapter is going to have a little surprise in it.... anyone wanna guess what's gonna happen? ;)

The next week flew by fast. Clarke still struggled most nights to fall asleep, and she tossed and turned for what felt like hours sometimes before finally being able to drift off. Even when she did get to sleep, her dreams were haunted with her mom and late dad just before his death. It wasn’t that she was having nightmares about it, some of the dreams with him were actually nice, but it was unnerving for her. There seemed to be nothing she could do about it, so she put up with the late nights and early mornings, growing increasingly tired as her time at camp went on. Dark circles grew under her eyes and she found herself trying to cover up her yawns in the middle of sessions and prayers. 

Lexa seemed to have picked up on her tossing and turning in the bunk below her, because she shot Clarke sympathetic looks on those mornings she had to drag herself out of bed. 

 

Sessions started to revolve less around Clarke, to her relief. Now that Clarke had spilled her guts about her ‘sexually deviant lesbian ways’, the attention was more generalised among the group. She couldn’t zone out during them as much as she wanted though, because she was still expected to participate wholeheartedly. It always made her dizzyingly angry regardless. It all felt so unfair, she’d lost her father and the grief still flared back up unexpectedly and then she had to listen to this unjust bullshit. 

Speaking of unjust bullshit, on the following Monday, Nia was on another tirade, finally ready to exact revenge for the stink bomb prank.

The girls had been expecting retribution sooner, but a week had flown by with hardly another word about it. The counsellors had made temporary office spaces in a spare room off the main hall, leaving the administration block to air out. 

That Monday, they were gathered around for morning prayers in fresh grey dresses, buttoned up to the neck and hair neat. They were still rubbing the sleep from their eyes when Nia burst through the double doors and marched down the aisle for the lectern. 

“The technician finally made it out here on the weekend and has reviewed the ventilation system, only to find there is nothing wrong it.” She thundered, her icy tone echoing in the draft chapel. 

“And that leaves me to wonder, how exact that evil smell came to penetrate the whole administration block for an entire week!” She practically shrieked. Jaha and Titus finally waltzed in behind her, flanking her at the lectern. 

“Everyone around here is too gay or christian to get penetrated.” Raven snorts under her breath. Anya elbows her in the ribs.

“Do you have something you would like to confess Reyes?” Nia demanded. 

“I didn't do shit.” Raven asserted boldly. 

Wow, she’s brave. 

“Raven I will not have you use profanity in the house of our lord! You WILL show respect! And you will forfeit your free time to write lines for your transgression.” Titus boomed out. 

Clarke watched Raven chance a nervous glance at Octavia in the pew across from hers. Octavia looked pissed and only glared back.

Uh oh, looks like someones in trouble with their girl.  

There was a pause for a moment as Nia scanned the girls before coming around the front of the lectern, demure heels clanking on the hardwood floors, to come and may her way towards Clarke’s pew. In fact she came to hover directly beside Clarke in the aisle, fixing her with a deadly scowl. 

Clarke felt herself grow hot under gaze, but she steeled herself and meet Nia’s piercing eyes, not wanting to be intimidated when they clearly had no evidence. 

“Clarke. You’re new here, perhaps you don’t understand. Lying is a sin against God and it will land you a one way ticket to the fiery pits of hell. Furthermore, If i find out any one of you girls had anything to do with the smell, and you do not confess at this moment, your punishment will be… even more severe.” She threatened darkly. 

Clarke tried not to shirk away from her, maintaining eye contract and willing herself to stay strong.

“I don’t know anything about it.” She managed to get out, pleased that her tone didn’t waver.  

“Really Clarke? Because I find that very hard to believe. You know, when your mother called us not that long ago, she begged us to make a space for you in this camp. She was disgusted by your interactions with other girls and your lack of fear for our almighty God. She was full of despair for the soul of her own daughter. What would your mother think now Clarke, hmm?” Nia taunted.

Clarke felt white hot and burning with both hatred for Nia and her words, but more than that, she was surprised at how guilty and ashamed she felt about what Nia had said about her mother. That her own mom would say those things about her. Objectively she knew her mother should be the one feeling guilty, that there was really nothing wrong with liking girls and her mother made her feel dirty for it. She squirmed uncomfortably, sagging a little in her seat. 

Suddenly, Lexa’s strong, commanding voice rung out. “She doesn’t know anything.” Lexa, stubborn as ever, was trying to save her. Though Clarke didn’t feel any relief with the attention on Lexa either. 

Nia’s head whipped over to Lexa, one pew in front of them. Lexa was standing, matching Nia’s glare. Nia stalked over to her.

“And you do Alexandria?” Nia countered. 

“No. I don’t.” Lexa said, resolute. “None of us do, because we didn’t do anything to the ventilation system.”

Clarke could see Nia grinding her teeth. 

“Let us be done with this matter! If no one will confess, then you are too write lines during free-time today, if not because of the smell, then to discourage insolence and disobedience.” Titus ordered hotly. 

Clarke heard a few girls let out heavy sighs. Either because they lost free-time or because the ordeal was finally over.

Jaha stepped forward and cleared this throat. “Now that the issue is settled, we will have a brief prayer, asking God for the strength to resist homosexual urges on this day before we depart to breakfast.” 

Clarke kept hearing what Nia had said about her mother over and over in her head. She knew her mom hadn’t been pleased to hear about Niylah, and was more upset that Clarke wasn’t the perfect church-loving Christian daughter, but disgusted by her? It made Clarke feel sick with herself. 

 

——

 

Losing free time to write lines sucked. It was really the only downtime they got other than nighttime prayer time which even then was confined to whispering back and forth from their respective pews. At least during free time they could be outside to soak up the sun, or talk openly in the rec room. 

Instead Titus had them spaced out in the study hall, working heads down in complete silence. The line they were all writing was ‘I Will be Obedient and Follow the Will of the Lord’ again and again until Titus was happy. Clarke’s hand was already cramping and her back hurt from being bent over. They must have been at for at least an hour. 

Clarke huffed out, tugging at her heavy dress, trying to get some air in. The thick fabric was making her sweat, especially now that they had cut the air conditioning to the whole camp. Apparently if the counsellors didn't have air-con then neither could the girls. 

Clarke put her pen down for a second to stretch her sore arms above her head.

“Griffin! Keep writing! idle hands are the devil’s’ play thing.” Titus barked right at her, making her jump.

Jesus she wished he would get off her nuts. Titus wanted her to keep writing, well fine. When baldy  turned around and started pacing in the other direction, Clarke got a fresh page of paper and started scribbling. 

_‘Do you like Clarke Griffin? Tick the box.’_

Below that Clarke drew two squares, both with ‘yes’ options below them.

She folded up the note, and while Titus’ back was still turned, she slipped it under the table and onto Lexa’s lap. Lexa kept her head down but her eyes swivelled to Clarke and she smirked subtly. 

Clarke pretended to write her lines, but watched Lexa from the corners of her eyes. She saw Lexa glance down at her lap, pink rose up to the tops of her high cheeks, and she smiled a little wider, though she tried to hide it. 

Clarke banged out a few more lines until she felt the note land back in her lap. She unfolded it under the table and glanced at it as briefly as she could. 

Both boxes had been ticked and it was Clarke’s turn to try and stifle her grin. 

 

‘ _How 3rd grade. Anyway I thought it was obvious?_

_Titus could catch us at any moment - you’re flirting with danger, Clarke._

 

Heart beating faster, Clarke replied.

_‘I thought your name was Lexa. Or should I say Alexandria?’_

 

_‘Ha ha. Only my Mother and Father call me that, or the counsellors when they have it in for me. Lets talk properly later… meet me at the edge of the woods before lights out? Anya will cover for us.’_

 

Lexa wanted to meet Clarke secretly, alone and likely when the sun was setting romantically? Sign me the hell up Clarke thought, internally jumping for joy. 

She looked up to see Lexa watching her, that secret smile that was usually reserved for her only playing at her lips. She gave Lexa a firm node to let her know she agreed and pocketed their note for safe keeping. 

 

——

 

Later that night, after dinner and nightly prayers were through, Clarke shucked her dress and yanked on her camp shorts and the baggy t-shirt she wore to bed. Harper and Maya were milling around the bunk cabin, reading and chatting, while the others were still over at the main hall, showering and getting ready for lights out. 

Clarke slipped out of the log cabin and made for the woods, making sure to stick to the shadows so she wouldn’t be seen by the God Squad. As much as Clarke got a little thrill out of sneaking around, cloak and dagger style, she knew it was going to get old quick having to be secret with Lexa all the time. If Lexa even wanted to be secret with her? I mean, being around Lexa is the only thing thats felt right in a long time, and Lexa says she likes her now, but what happens when it gets too hard? Or when they leave this place?

Before Clarke could start spiralling into a full blown crisis, she came to the entrance of the woods where past a few pines, she could see Lexa waiting for her.

Clarke’s pace quickened as she hurried to get closer to Lexa. “You look lovely.” She whispered. She hadn't meant to say it out loud, but seeing Lexa there with her hair loose and wavy, free of their braids and the last of the evening sun glowing on her skin made Clarke weak.

“I’m dressed the same as you, Clarke.” she teased, smirking. 

 She was, but Lexa looked infinitely better in their dreary plain clothes. 

When Clarke said nothing, only smiling and face flushed, Lexa turned to her, serious and soft, “You look lovely too. You’re beautiful.”

_Oh._

Clarke’s breath gets caught in her throat a little. She grabs Lexa’s hand and gives it a little squeeze and Lexa grins at her furious blushing.  

Lexa guides them a litter further into the forest, stopping when she finds a spot where the light streams in through a break in the trees above them. She pulls off the cardigan she had tied around her waist and spreads it out on the pine needles, sitting them down there in that sunny spot so they don’t get too cold in the dark of the forest. 

Lexa turns a little shy when she murmurs, “Thanks for coming out here to meet me. I know we’ve technically been together for the last week, but it doesn’t feel the same as when we’re alone and there’s no session or prayers to get to.” She finishes, tentative. 

“I missed you too.” Clarke says simply, understanding exactly what Lexa is talking about. 

“Are you very homesick yet?” Lexa asks gently.

“No? I don’t think so. I miss the freedom. Coming home from school and Mom not even being there most of the time, so I could paint, draw, go running- whatever I wanted, you know? But in some ways, camp feels more homely. I have all you guys, and the pastor. He’s like the homophobic grandfather I never knew.” Clarke joked. “And there are there’s hot meals made for us everynight.”

“You didn't have that at home?” Lexa asks.

“On weekends, yes, but Mom worked late during the week, so it was takeout or whatever I could be bothered to put together.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. It definitely got lonely. It seems even more glaringly obvious now that lonely is the last thing I am here at camp.” Clarke says, smiling. 

“I’m glad.” Lexa whispers, smiling back.

“Me too.” Clarke sighs, looking down at their clasped hands in her lap. 

“Do you?”

“Hmm?” Lexa hums lazily. 

“Do you get homesick even now?” Clarke asks, curious. 

“Not really. I was never very homesick to begin with either.” Lexa shrugs. 

“Because you were lonely too?” 

“The opposite I think. I felt so suffocated. My Father wanted me to be that perfect God-fearing christian daughter, aggressively so. I would always be hovering over my shoulder, organising all my free time with church activities. It only felt worse when I realised I was gay.”

“And Mom… she was a little better. She honestly wants what was best for me, which she happens to believe is exactly the life they have planned out for me, as opposed to Father, who wants for me what is best for him.” 

“Sounds like a lot of pressure.” Clarke murmurs sympathetically. 

“Yes. Which is why this place seems not so bad. Sure, we get forced into playing straight and preached homophobia, but I had that at home too. At least here, we have the others and you can get around Titus and Nia. There’s no getting around my Father.” Lexa finishes darkly.

Clarke is silent for a few moments. She gets it, pretending not to like girls and listening to homophobia is just the same as home with her mom and church. At least here its fun, like the summer camp that never ends. 

“What are you thinking about?” Lexa asks.

“It’s not really a way to live is it? It’s not fair.” Clarke reminds gently. That they have to try and satisfied with being at gay camp, because being at home isn’t much better. That they aren’t even accepted by the people who are meant to love them no matter what. 

“No. It’s not.” Lex agrees.

Their sunny spot on the forest floor is fading now that the sun has fallen past the horizon, the air is still warm and sweet though, so they are content to sit against the pine a little longer. 

Clarke feels greedy and she leans closer to Lexa, all too aware that time alone together like this is precious.

“Tell me something good.” Clarke pleads. She feels as though she needs more. More of Lexa’s light after that rather grim conversation.

Lexa seems to sense that she’s feeling a little dejected because she wraps an arm around Clarke and runs her fingers up and down Clarke’s arm soothingly. 

“Do you want to hear about the time my brother prank called Titus?” she asks with a teasing lit in her voice. 

“Yes! How did he even get his number?!” Clarke asks, already perking up.

“He found it when he on father’s phone. He swears he wasn’t snooping but I don’t believe him for a second.” Lexa chuckles, lighting up talking about her brother.

“It was when I first came to camp and Aden was really angry that Father had sent me here, but there was nothing he could do, so he had to get vengeance another way.  

He would call Titus day in day out, claiming to be a gay sexy massage therapist, or a gay erotic dancer- anything like that, and he pushed his ‘services’ to Titus no matter how furious he became.” 

“Are you serious?! That’s hilarious! How did he even think of that?” Clarke exclaimed, giggling. 

“It was even more hilarious listening to how wound up Titus would get. Aden usually called around the same time everyday so that I knew when to listen in. You could hear him ranting and raving from a mile away!” Lexa said, now laughing too. 

Clarke thew her head back, laughing, and Lexa joined her, finding Clarke’s raspy laughter irresistible. 

“I love it when you laugh like that.” Lexa confessed adoringly.

“Like what?”

“Like this!” Lexa teased, pouncing on Clarke and attacking her with tickles.

Clarke let out and squeal at Lexa’s hands ghosting up her sides and erupted in a new fit of giggles, all the while trying to squirm away from Lexa who had her pinned down. 

Their laughter died down and they found themselves face to face with one another. Clarke’s eyes flickered to Lexa’s soft lips. She knew what she wanted. 

“I love it when you kiss me.” Clarke said, sultry and cheeky. 

Lexa caught on quick. “Like how?”

“Like this.” Clarke murmured, already leaning forward to capture Lexa’s smirking lips with her own, her arms already coming around her to get her hands on more of Lexa. Clarke melted into the kiss, sighing into Lexa’s mouth and Lexa deepened it, hands moving to cup her jaw. 

Eventually they had to go back before their absence was noticed and they ambled back in the dark of the night, hand in hand, giggling and trading little kisses. 

When they snuck inside the bunk, most of the girls were already dozing apart from Anya, who sat up in her bunk and rolled her eyes. 

“About time. Nia’s gonna be here any minute to check on us, better get into bed.” She warned.

Lexa pecked her lips one more time and whispered goodnight before clambering up into to her bunk. Clarke kicked off her sneakers and did the same. She pulled the scratchy blanket up to her neck so it would look like she was asleep when Nia came in. She couldn't wipe she delighted grin off her face though. 

 

——

 

Later that week, Belinda came back on Wednesday to watch over her usual study hall session and with her, she brought goodies. 

“Okay girls, if you’re all finished up with your exercise packets, just file them away at the back and gather around, I brought brownies!” She exclaimed happily. 

“Pot brownies?” Raven asked cheekily.

“No, Raven dear.” Belinda sighed. 

She set a bit tray of gooey chocolatey goodness on the table and the girls all dived in. Lexa hung back but then finally took one once everyone else was munching happily, seated back and waiting for Belinda to continue. 

She had a crate of things for them, mostly books, which she proceeded to hand out and the girls circled the books carefully among them, keeping the ones they liked the sound of. Raven got a hefty one on mechanically engineering, it was bigger than her head but she let out an excited squeal when she got a hold of it. Lexa got a battered copy of ‘When Women Were Warriors’, the second book, which she clutched tightly, a small sly smile creeping through. 

Nothing really caught Clarke’s eye so she waited back. Belinda handed out mystery envelopes to Octavia, Anya and Maya and then she reached the end of her stash. Lexa shuffled closer to her. 

“Clarke, Lexa is too modest to admit, but she arranged for you to have this, dear.” Belinda murmured, handing over a brown-paper wrapped parcel. 

Clarke’s eyes sought out Lexa’s questioningly. Lexa eventually meet them, a little reluctant, like she knew Clarke would be able to look in and see right through her. 

“Lexa, you shouldn’t have.” Clarke breathed out, not shortening her name in a failing effort to sound reproachful. 

“I’m honoured to.” Was all she said in reply, and Clarke examined her for a little longer, locked in those deep green eyes. 

“Thank you.” She whispered, a little overcome with awe and gratitude. She had a pretty good idea of what might be inside. 

She turned to Belinda, “And thank you, Belinda for arranging it.” She finished. 

“You don’t even know what’s inside yet, Clarkey.” Octavia reminded. Clarke was sure it was meant to come out teasing, but she just sounded a little like she was in wonder too, like she was witnessing something special. 

In fact all the girls were now watching on with rapt attention, waiting for Clarke to open her gift. Cheeks reddening slightly and she peeled back the brown paper carefully, as not to rip it, revealing expensive looking art supplies. There was a couple of different sized professional stretch books, which Clarke brought up to her face, letting it the rough parchment fan her and the heavy smell of it wash over her like an old friend. There were also a collection of ink pens and charcoal pencils too, and Clarke inspected each of them and let the tips rub silky smooth charcoal on her fingertips. 

It was exactly what Clarke needed. She missed drawing so much and these material were beautiful. 

They must have been expensive for Lexa and she had nothing to give in return. She wanted to feel guilty about that but really she was just so happy that Lexa had been so thoughtful and sweet as to given her anything at all. Lexa could probably give her a rock and it would be just as good. 

All the other girls, having seen what was inside, had gone back to chatting, but Lexa had been watching, enraptured, and spoke up nervously beside her. “Are they okay? I wasn’t sure what you like so I asked Belinda get some of everything.” 

Clarke turned to her and reached out and squeezed her hand, wanting to convey how much this meant to her. “Its perfect Lexa, the best gift I’ll ever receive. Thank you so much.” She whispered sincerely. 

Lexa seemed to deflated, pleased, soft smile tugging at her lips. “Good.”

After that they got up and retreated lazily back to their bunk room to hide their contraband. 

“How come we never get presents like that from you, Commander?” Raven asked on the way back. 

“Because you’re annoying.” Lexa deadpanned. 

“Speak for yourself Raven, Lexa once got me a whole bucket of M&Ms before it got confiscated.” Anya boasted.

“She did not!” Octavia scoffed.

But Clarke was hardly listening to their usual nonsense. She was too busy thinking about all the things she wanted to draw with her lovely supplies. She thought about drawing the way the sun sets behind the woods, painting the whole country sky orange. Or How Raven and Octavia looked sleeping above and below each other, peaceful and quiet for once, on the bunk opposite Clarke and Lexa’s. Or how the early morning light streamed in the chapel stained glass windows, bathing them in colours. 

There were so many new things about her new life here that she could commit to paper with ease. But walking beside Lexa, that electric hum between them, soothed and made worse all at once by the close proximity, all she really itched to draw was Lexa.

 _Lexa, Lexa, Lexa_. 

 

——

 

For chores on Friday Lexa had kindly assigned to her vacuuming in the main hall and dinning hall. Which seemed to be the best chore judging by the groans of the other campers and when Lexa gave it to her it had Anya muttering about nepotism under her breath.  

Octavia and Raven had trudged off take out the rubbish in all the bins over camp, while Harper and Maya dusted and polished. Octavia had Raven banished to the bathrooms as punishment for swearing in front of Nia and getting herself in trouble. 

While Clarke was meandering along, vacuuming and humming to herself, she caught sight of Lexa from behind the partition that separated the kitchen and dinning hall. 

Planning to go over and talk to her, she started vacuuming over in that direction. As she came around the corner, she saw that Lexa wasn’t alone. Anya was standing in the kitchen talking her, arms moving around as she raved. Lexa was scrubbing at the counter furiously, her back to Anya and her beautiful features twisted with annoyance. As Clarke got closer, she heard them over the roar of the vacuum. She meant to move along with her work until she heard her own name being spat by Anya.

Clarke wouldn't say she was eavesdropping per se, but if Anya had a problem with her, then it wouldn’t hurt to know about it. 

“She’s just trouble Lexa! I see the way you at her! The way she looks at you! And that art shit you got her? What the fuck was that Lexa?” Anya hissed. 

Clarke had to listen carefully to hear the next bit. Stupid fucking vacuum. “How does she look at me?” Lexa whirled around and demanded, sounding surprised. 

“Like you put the earth into rotation Lexa! Are you even listening to me?! Stop smiling! It's not a good thing!” Anya continued, exasperated. 

Shit was she really that obvious? 

“What if Titus or Nia finds out and your parents find out? They could disown you or worse!” 

“I can’t live my life like that Anya, like I’m back in the closet! I tried abiding by their straight rules and I was miserable. I won’t swear off love, that’s exactly what they want.” Lexa finished quietly. 

“Why can’t Clarke be a good thing? I’ve been rotting in here for two years! I deserve good things too, and Clarke is good. Too the core.” Lexa said the last part mostly to herself. 

Grinning to herself, and her heart spinning summersaults, Clarke decided to leave it there and finish her job. 

Lexa had her back apparently.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!  
> Hope you like the little surprise/addition in this chapter! Let me know what you think.  
> We also have poor Clarke getting little sad towards the end there... was bound to happen unfortunately :(  
> Can't bring myself to write in Lexa having 'love is weakness' issues because these poor babies need to be together and also I just believe the complete opposite. We are here to love and be loved. Lexa has it hard enough as it is.  
> Any comments, feedback or criticism is welcome! Also people who have suggested things they wanna see, or see more of... I'm planning it in for you! Keep the ideas coming, I aim to please!
> 
> Again thanks for all the comments/kudos! It means the world to me :)

Two weeks later, something new happened that broke their tedious weekly routine. It was another lazy and blissfully hot Sunday afternoon of the girls running as wild as they could manage within the confines of the camp.

They were lying around on the field, just near the edge if the woods, so they would be far enough way from the administration block that Jaha couldn’t see them. Maya and Harper were laid out in the sun reading, While Anya was sharpening a scaring looking spear she made with a pocket knife she got from god knows where. Lexa was leaning back against a tree reading the book she got from Belinda while Clarke sat in the V of her legs, back pressed up against her front, sketching in her book yet another picture of Lexa.

Someone had brought out the secret portable radio which ran on very precious reserves of battery power. There was old school rock music playing, the very unchristian and therefore forbidden kind. It felt so normal to have it buzzing in the background, like how Clarke was used to hearing the blare of the radio in the car on the way to school.

She feels loose and liquid, melted in the haze and beat of the sun, and by Lexa, who is constant and strong behind her, and has been, more that literally, over these past few weeks.  
It was calming to see all the girls spread out around her, her new family of sorts, happy and drinking in the heat disturbed only by a pleasant breeze.

Clarke is still tired, she can feel it pulsing in the back of her head, and her movements are sluggish, weighed down not only by the heat but by the exhaustion of being unable to sleep.  
It had gotten a little better, and she guessed that maybe she was getting at least an extra hour now. But she still couldn’t fall asleep in that effortless way she did before her father died.

Lexa had gently brought it up once, in case Clarke wanted to talk to her about it. Her father. But it wasn’t on the surface anymore, ready to burst forth with tears like those first few days of camp. Ever since Nia had started attributing her ‘homosexual illness’ to his death while simultaneously blaming her sin for his death, she hadn’t felt like that.  
Now, it was just something heavy and inescapable she carried around, something that meant she couldn’t sleep, something she didn’t want to talk about so she changed the subject or brushed it off. And Lexa didn’t push her.

Raven and Octavia were lying side by side together chatting quietly and had been for a while. Judging by their solemn expressions, it seemed to be serious. Octavia was clutching Raven’s hand and Raven would lean over ever now and then to peck Octavia’s lips reassuringly.

“Do you think O is okay?” Clarke murmured concerned, craning her neck to look up at Lexa.  
Lexa smiled down at her and kissed the crown of her head.

Lexa put her book to the side. “Yeah baby, she’ll be okay. She’s been in contact with her brother and he’s having a hard time getting custody of her at the moment. Neither of them want their foster parents to get their hands on them again.”

Clarke hummed understandingly, the blush rising to her checks at Lexa’s endearment. Every time she called Clarke that it made her heart thump.

“What are you working on?” Lexa asked, leaning so she could get a look at what Clarke was drawing.

Clarke tried to hide her drawing but it was too late, Lexa had already got an eyeful of her sketch of her and her tattoos.

Clarke could hear Lexa grinning when she teased, “Again?”

“Shut up. It’s not my fault there’s nothing better to draw around here. Would you rather I sketch Titus? The sun gleaming on his bald head? Or gory pictures of Jesus bleeding out on the cross?” she teased back.

“No thank you.” Lexa retorted, smug.

Truth was, Clarke had been able to draw little else than Lexa. Before she had mostly drawn nature scenes, her favourite places from home. But now she knew each of page of thick paper in her books was precious and that she would have a hard time getting her hands on more. It would be a waste to draw anything other than Lexa.

She did do a few other drawings, drawings for Lexa. She meticulously slaved over scenes of some of Lexa’s favourite spots around camp. Like Lexa in the woods, when the summer rays streamed through the canopy above and spotted the forest floor, which she left under her pillow. Or the bunk cabin they shared with all the girls together, laughing and happy. Or Lexa and herself together in the wild flowers that bloomed multicoloured at the far edge of camp, given to her after a particularly tough session.

Clarke didn’t have much to give Lexa, she barely had anything herself. Most of her possessions were confiscated when she first got to camp and replaced with standard issue, Healthy Directions necessities only.  
She felt like Lexa did so much for her. She watched out for her at camp constantly, gave her these beautiful art supplies, allowed her into their little bubble here, no questions asked. It was more than she could ever hope for and she felt so heart crack open every now and then with how thankful she was to have it.  
Besides, Lexa’s reactions were always more than worth the effort. She always looked so surprised, so overwhelmed with wonder that Clarke would draw something so pretty for her, if only to make her smile with her a little bit longer.

Clarke flipped to a different drawing in her book, one from last Sunday of all the girls together lazily around on the field, just like they were now. She quickly did a few nit picky touch ups before carefully tearing it from the pad and presenting it to the Lexa.

“Clarke.” Lexa breathed out, that same cute expression of awe and adoration overcoming her.

“Thank you, Clarke. They’re gorgeous. You’re very talented.” She whispered.

Clarke beamed and leaned up to catch Lexa’s lips again. Lexa cupped her cheek, smoothing her thumb over it sweetly.

To the left of them Anya made a loud retching sound.

“Do you mind?” Lexa said, breaking away from Clarke’s lips annoyed.

“Do you?” Anya shot back. “Some of us want to keep lunch down.”  
  
Lunch had been so good. The girls had snuck into the pantry after the chapel service and ‘liberated’ loads of snacks, helping themselves to a full picnic which they then took onto the field with them along with books, blankets and lemonade.

Then, further away from then, Maya stood up and shouted in their direction. “Heads up guys, I think someone is coming this way!”

Clarke and Lexa detangled, as did Octavia and Raven, putting enough space between each other as to not get in trouble. Clarke already missed being nestled in Lexa’s arms, her finger tips dancing and her skin humming from the feeling.

As the figure in the distance got closer, the girls could see that it was not Jaha, but another girl with dark hair and shorts and a t-shirt on like them.

“Who the fuck is that?” Octavia asked, voicing exactly what Clarke was wondering.

“It looks like…” Anya trailed off in surprise.

Lexa shot up, and stared hard at the girl, hand coming up to shield her eyes from the sun so she could see better.  
‘Luna.’ Clarke heard her whisper before she was off and hurrying towards the girl. As Lexa jogged towards her, she girl speed up too, until they reached one another and hugged fiercely.

Okay, now who the fuck is Luna and why does she have her arms wrapped around Lexa? She was rarely openly affectionate with other people with other people, usually always behind a mask of impassivity.

Anya was already moving towards Lexa and the girl, smiling for once in her life, as was Harper and Maya. Raven got up also, looking just as shocked. She whispered ‘No way’ before shuffling over to receive a hug as well.

“Who the fuck is Luna?” Clarke finally bit out.  
Octavia shrugged beside her. “Never met the bitch before.”

Raven, Anya, Lexa and this ‘Luna’ character all stood around hugging and talking for a little while longer while Clarke and Octavia watched on in bewilderment. She sees Lexa point in their direction, and then the group is making their way over to where they were sitting.

When they got there, Lexa reached forward and held her hand out to Clarke, standing up, Clarke took it and faced Luna.

“You must be Clarke.” She stated, looking between Lexa and her delightedly.

Clarke thought about shooting back something sarcastic but decided against it when she glanced over to see Lexa, smiling her special smile for Clarke and looking at her proudly.

“Yes, I’m Clarke, and… you’re Luna?” She asked, trying to be polite.

Luna nodded, still looking between Clarke and Lexa holding hands.

“It’s lovely to meet you.” Clarke murmured back sweetly.

O elbowed her way in, not one to be forgotten “I’m Octavia just in case anyone was interested.” She drawled sarcastically.

“I’m always interested, babe.” Raven assured her, raising her eyebrows suggestively.

“Maybe you’d be interested in coming into the woods with me later for a little fun then?” Octavia teased, leaning closer to Raven seductively.

“You too Raven? I go away for a couple of months and everyone shacks up! In this place of all places!” Luna exclaims.

“Hell yeah I did! My girl-” Raven start to boast.

“Wait, you got out of here?!” Octavia interrupts, taken back.

Clarke is shocked too. How the hell did she manage that?

“I don’t know if it counts as getting out. It was more of a break now I guess.” Luna confesses, sheepish.

“And now you’re back?” Lexa implores.

“Yep. Turns out Mom and my sisters wanted me back home desperately for a bit, and they had begged my father to bring to let me come and see if I was better. But you know what he’s like- he wants me to bend to his will, be nothing else other than what he wants. I tried to be that, but I don’t think he’ll ever look at me the same again, no matter what I do. Titus and Nia insisted I needed more treatment. Dad agreed, and here I am.” She finishes, matter of fact.

“Well shit, that sucks ass Luna.” Anya replies, not bothering to sugarcoat it.

“Tell me about it. Its nice to see you all, though. And meet your girls. Never thought I’d see the day the Commander would look at another girl like that.” Luna says, sly grin on her sharp face.

“Trust me, it gets old quick.” Anya mutters under her breath.  
Clarke looked over at Lexa to see what Luna was talking about, only to see her blushing faintly, which made Clarke smile and want to kiss the tops of those flushed cheeks. It was rare Lexa looked so openly delighted and bashful.

What have you guys been up to today? Another lazy Sunday? God, that’s the one thing I missed about this place, other than you guys of course.” Luna assures them.  
“At home Dad would have a whole list of chores and extra church groups planned for us. It was exhausting, especially when all you want to do in heat like this is lie down.” She sighs out.

“You know it, L. Belinda provided, we raided the kitchen, and here we are.” Raven explains, flinging her arms out.

“Well I brought something with me for an extra bit of fun.” Luna says, grin turning mischievous.

“Hydrazine!” Raven guesses.

“Blue is the Warmest Colour on DVD?” Harper asks hopefully.

“Better. Come on.” She says and waves for them to start walking back to the bunk cabin.

Clarke clutches at Lexa’s hand and makes her hang behind.

“So Luna used to go here before O and I came, and now she's back?” Clarke asked Lexa under her breath, needed clarification.

“Thats right. She’s been gone for a good couple of months. It’s good to see her again, although under different circumstances would have been better.” Lexa mutters more to herself.

“And you guys are close?”

“Yes, I actually knew Luna before camp. Our families are friendly as her Father is a pastor too, only a couple of towns over.” Lexa tells her.

That explains why Lexa was hugging her like she was the best thing she’d ever seen.

“How long have you know each other?” Clarke doesn’t know why she feels the need to interrogate Lexa like this. So what if she’s known this Luna girl for a long time?

“Since I was 13 maybe? We met at a state conference for christian pastors that both our dad’s dragged us too. Our families got friendly and Luna and I figured out pretty quickly we had a lot in common. I got sent here a few years later and then when Luna’s Father found out about her liking girls too, he sent her here as well.” Lexa said easily.

“Did you, ever… you know, with Luna?” Clarke got out eventually, and she hates that her voice sounds so desperate and whiney. She knew she was making a fool of herself. It was none of her business who Lexa was with, but it was driving her crazy not knowing.

“What? With Luna?! Clarke, no, no never.” She chuckled. “Is that what you’ve been getting at?”

Clarke nodded and looked down, avoiding Lexa’s eyes. She was already ashamed of herself for asking such an intrusive question. She had no special right over Lexa.

“Luna is just an old friend. It wouldn’t matter anyway. You’re the one I’m with now.” She tells her seriously, trying to get her to meet her eyes. They’ve stopped walking now and are stood facing one another.

“You are?” Clarke asks quietly.

“Clarke, love, of course.” Lexa says tenderly. And then because she can read Clarke so easily, she tells her, “Talk to me.”

“Well, Its just… we never clarified what we are to each other, and I know I’m crazy about you, you’re the only thing I ever think about!” Clarke bursts out.  
“And I’ve never felt this way before, you know? It’s like a can’t get enough of you, can’t be close enough. I can’t think straight when I’m not near you and I can’t think straight when I am. And I know we haven’t known each other very long, but this thing between us feels so real to me and it was instantaneous, and I think you can feel it too, but I don't know, not for sure.” She finishes rambling, finally taking a breath. Her heart is racing a little from the confession.

Lexa is smiling, looking at her softly. “Come here.” She whispers, stepping closer to her.

Clarke falls against her chest and lets out another big breath. Lexa’s arms come around her and one hand strokes her hair soothingly.  
She nuzzles into her neck, hiding her face in Lexa’s unruly curls, taking in her familiar honey smell.

“Clarke, I feel it too, how could I not? You’re everywhere.” Lexa murmurs next to her ear. “You walked into the hall on that first day and that was it. I was yours and you were mine. Inevitable.”

Clarke nods into Lexa and turns her head to press a few grateful kisses to her neck. She gets it.

She strokes through her hair a few more times before cupping Clarke’s jaw and bring her up for a proper kiss. She is ever sweet and gentle, brushing their lips together and pressing little kisses into her like promises. Clarke sighs into it, feeling blissful and contented. Lexa always seems to sense what Clarke needs, sometimes even before she knows it herself. At first Clarke guessed it was because Lexa had been through the whole new camper thing herself before, and understood what it was like. Which was true, but sometimes Clarke suspected it had more to do with the way they were connected, the inexplicable link that was palpable between them.

“We should head back.” Clarke mumbles, her heart not really in it.

“Mmm.” Lexa hums, seemingly just as content to stay in each others arms as Clarke is.

Eventually they make it back to the bunk room, and stumble in to find all the girls waiting for them.

“Jesus what took you bitches so long?” Octavia grumbles.

“We were starting to worry you got caught together by Jaha.” Maya says.

“No they just had to stop you stare into each other’s eyes every 30 seconds, as per usual.” Raven retorts sarcastically.

“We’re here now you bunch of grumpy lesbians. Now lets get on with this surprise.” Clarke defends.

Luna rummages around in her trunk until she finds a big stuffed teddybear, complete with red bow tie. “Ah-ha!” she says holding it up proudly.

“Aw, cute.” Maya cooes.

“What the fuck are we supposed to do with that?” Octavia says flatly.

“Anya can I have your pocket knife please?” Luna asks

Anya hands it over and Luna proceeds to swiftly decapitate the bear, stuffing flying out everywhere. Maya gasps in horror.

“Luna’s finally lost it everyone. She’s finally got herself a one way ticket to the funny farm and theres no getting her back.” Raven announces morbidly.

Luna plunges her hand into the bear, and then as if by magic, yanks her hand out again, with it a large bottle appearing amidst all the loose stuffing.

Clarke catches a glimpse of the label. “Is that tequila?!” she calls out gleefully.

“ohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Octavia rambles excitedly, practically vibrating from her spot on the ground.

Raven and Luna high five and Harper and Maya snatch the bottle to oogle it like they've never laid eyes on a bottle of liquor that big before, which come to think of it, they probably haven’t.

“Hang on a minute guys, I don’t know about this.” Lexa’s serious commander voice rings out, halting the celebrations.

“What’s not to know? We’re gonna get absolutely shithoused on this cheap booze and have an excellent time doing it.” Raven says, affronted.

“Come on Commander, it's a Sunday! The only other people here are Jaha and the Pastor, and there probably sucking each other off as we speak.” Luna jokes.

“Ew gross, I did not need that visual.” Harper mutters, looking disgusted.

“Please, Lex?” Clarke tries, shuffling closer to her and giving her a dose of her big, pleading eyes, the ones that usually got her mom to let her get out of church when she was younger.

Lexa looks at Clarke for a few moments before rolling her eyes are reluctantly muttering “Fine.”

Clarke lets out a squeal and plants a sloppy kiss on Lexa’s cheek, while the other girls let out delighted cheers.

“To the chapel!” Luna declares. They gather up their snacks, radio and matching cardigans and of course, the tequila, and start to creep to the chapel with as little giggling as they can manage.

 

——

 

Clarke is practically rolling around on the chapel floor, hysterical with laughter and clutching her stomach, as are the other girls, apart from Maya, who passed out on a pew hours ago.  
Everyone is roaring drunk and Clarke is at least several shots down.

The girls are sitting in a loose circle on the small carpeted stage, where the Pastor and leaders usually preach, their raucous laughter is booming around the draughty chapel. The radio is booming with the popular music from the outside world and earlier on, went they were only slightly tipsy, they had jived, dancing all through the pews wildly. Clarke had clasped Lexa’s hands while they twisted and turned to the beat,

Anya stands up and stubbles towards the lectern, bracing herself on it when she reaches without falling over.

“Hello my name is Titus Twat… and I’m a bottom-feeding, lonely, servant of the devil.” Anya slurs in a poor imitation of Titus deep and gravely voice.

She is met with spluttering laughter and a chorus of “Hi Titus Twat!”

“I have not had a sexual encounter since 1972, and the only fun I ever have is when I tweak my own nipples every day at 5 o’clock on the dot.”

This is met with more boisterous, hysterical laughter. Clarke is laughing so hard she pitches over and falls partway onto Lexa, who is just as beside herself. She clutches onto Clarke, her beautiful features lit up and cheeks flushed from the tequila and from laughing so much.

Clarke is not fairing much better. Despite the late hour, she cannot feel the draft, only the slow-burning heat in her belly from all the liquor. Her speech is slurred also, all her senses impaired, the pleasant buzzing from the shots taking over.  
The only other buzz besides that of the alcohol is the hum of energy between her and Lexa, which seems running rampant now that their inhibitions are loosened.  
Lexa’s mile-long golden legs are barely concealed in her camp shorts. Her carefree laughter is electric to Clarke, the way she throws her head back, gorgeous long curls flowing behind her. Clarke is hypnotised.

“Ra-ven do Nia!” Harper slurs.

“Oh yeah Rae, do Nia, it's so gooooood!” Octavia begs from Raven’s lap, both hands on her cheeks so she can drunkenly mash their faces together.

Raven manages to get herself out from under Octavia, and stagger over to the lectern to take Anya’s place. She clears her throat and straightens her posture, drawing up to her full height to take on Nia.

“Girls!” She commands in an excellent imitation of Nia’s shrill and icy tone. “My name is Nia Nitwit and I am the biggest closet lesbian who lived.”

More drunken giggles burst out, but the campers quickly shush each other so Raven can continue.

“I am OBSESSED with camper Lexa Woods. I have a naughty old-lady crush on her. It’s unholy but I can’t help myself, she’s so sexy. Sexy Lexy!” She titters.

“Come near my girl and I’ll kill you.” Clarke threatens loudly. She meant for it to come out jokingly, but she is surprised by how gravelly and evil her voice sounds. Lexa clutches her a little tighter, drawing her to her warm body. Clarke can hear her breathy chuckling in her ear.

“Clarke Griffin! You bisexual hoodlum! The fiery pits of hell will be far hotter than your sexy girlfriend’s abs!” Raven screeches, wagging her finger just like Nia does.

“I highly doubt that.” Clarke jeers back, cocky.

Everyone dissolves into more wild laughter

“We are definitely going to hell for getting this drunk ‘In the House of the Lord.’” Luna mocks.

“Nah, I reckon Jesus knew how to have a good time back in his day! Him and his squad would fob off the tax collectors then head to the pub for some magic water-wine.” Luna decides.

“Yeah, I even heard that Jesus had a favourite disciple, John, and they were awfully close!” Harper giggles.

“Jesus and John are my OTP!” Octavia explodes drunkenly.

“I ship it! Jesus is gay!” Raven concurs, slurring louder.

Lexa stands up and thrusts the bottle of tequila upwards, in the direction of the giant crucifix hanging on the wall.

“To the gays!” She declares proudly.

All the girls stand up it what would have been a righteous and dignified display, had they not all stumbled getting to their feet and then swayed when upright. Everyone echoed Lexa’s toast, shouting ‘to the gays’ to the tops of the chapel, followed by more fits of laughter and triumphant cheering.

 

——

 

Clarke wakes up in the morning to the american anthem reverberating through her skull, making her immediately aware of her pounding headache. She groans and rolls over like she can evade the sound if she just burrows further enough under the blankets.

“Holy fuck, turn it off.” She hears someone, probably Anya, moan from the other side of the room.

Miraculously, the anthem soon finishes and judging by the lack of movement in the room, no one else has managed to get up either.

Clarke dozes, along with the others, completely ignoring the fact that they will be in trouble when they are late for morning prayers, in favour in sleeping in for another 10 minutes.

Eventually she hears Lexa rustling in the bunk above her and it isn’t long before she silently jumps down, lithe as usual, and is perched on the edge of Clarke’s bed, rubbing her back through the covers and trying to get her up.

“Clarke love, I know it’s hard but you need to get up.” She encourages gently.

Clarke just grunts. She’ll have to do better than that if she wants her to get up before lunchtime.

The hand that was rubbing Clarke’s back moves up to stroke through the tangled golden tresses splayed out on the pillow. Lexa fingers scratch her scalp lightly and Clarke hums.

“S’nice.” She mumbles with a sleepy smile.

She can hear the answer smile in Lexa’s when she whispers back. “I know Clarke but Nia won’t hesitate to burst in her and scream at you if you don’t get up now.” She warns seriously.

Clarke steels herself and sits up and swings her legs over the edge of the bunk. Her vision is blurring and tingling, and her head thumping. She presses her palms into her face, taking deep breaths to get her equilibrium back without being sick.

“I know, I know.” Lexa murmurs sympathetically, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s temple, still stroking her hair.

Clarke leans her head on Lexa’s shoulder, feeling sorry for herself. Damn hangovers.  
She breaths Lexa in for a bit and rubs the sleep out of her eyes, focusing on the feeling of Lexa’s hand brushing gently through her hair to ground and steady her.  
Once she is more awake she gets herself upright and to the closet changing room that is off the side of the cabin and moves to the section that holds her standard dresses and camp clothes. She pulls out one of the grey monstrosities that she washed fresh during chores this week and hopes the crisp fabric makes her feel less gross. She steps into it and buttons herself up, tossing the clothes she must have drunkenly fallen fell asleep in last night into their hamper. She quickly yanks a brush through her and tucks it behind her ears, hoping it passes for neat.

“Help me get the others up?” Lexa asks her when she merges around the corner again. Clarke nods and moves to Octavia and Raven’s bunk to gently coax them into consciousness as quickly as possible.

  
Morning prayers is a sorry affair. She girls are neat and uniform as always, but now only with grey and shallow faces, heads down and slumped in their seats. Everyone looks about as miserable and hungover as Clarke feels. Jaha asks them to share their prayers of reconciliation to God for their lesbian transgressions and no one has the energy to come up with anything sarcastic, so they bumble their way through it, mumbling rubbish about forgiveness and holiness. Clarke barely pays attention, more consumed with her game of making eyes at Lexa so she could get her to break her stoic facade and give her a secret smile.

At breakfast, they pass the oatmeal and orange juice between them sombrely. Clarke feels better with something in her stomach and she makes sure to chug as much water as she can to rehydrate.

At some point, Titus stands at the end of the table Starts blithering on about their 6 step absence based recovery program for their homosexuality. For some reason, he likes to repeat himself as often as possible. Maybe he thinks it will help make it ‘sink in’.  
First you have to admit that you have a homosexual illness. Then identify the root causes of your perversion, whether it be because you did bad things, so God is punishing you for your sin, or because bad things happened to you, therefore causing you to become sexually confused.  
Once you have identified that, you have to repent and ask Gods forgiveness for the sin of homosexuality., and only then can you move onto step four which consists of properly atoning for that sin and doing the penance required. Provided you are willing to ready to progress to the next step, you have to work on rewiring your perverted ideas about sexuality and gender norms through therapy and prayer. And finally, you work on coping mechanisms for dealing with homosexual urges.

Clarke had barely made it onto step three, repenting and asking for God’s forgiveness. She didn’t know what the specifics of this step entitled and she didn't much feel like finding out.  
Clarke wondered if her mom knew everything about the treatment program before she sent her here, if she just blindly signed Clarke’s life away. What would her mom even think about Lexa? It’s not just like she can bring her home for dinner one day like a normal boyfriend-girlfriend would.

Truth be told, although Clarke objectively knew it was messed up of her mom to send her to a place like this, but she still felt guilty and wicked for completely spitting in her mom’s face and being with Lexa while she was meant to be recovering. I mean, her mom was probably spending a lot of money to send her here, right? And what if the treatment actually does work and Clarke is squandering her chance at a normal life with her mom in it?

Clarke pushed her mush on the table to the side and laid her heavy head in her arms on the table. She could hear Titus’ thundering preaching ringing in her ears, over and over. Homosexuality is a sin. It is perverted for girls to like other girls. You will face eternal hellfire unless you repent and atone.

Was she weak for liking other girls? She desperately wanted to see her father in the afterlife, if there was one, and she didn’t want to be estranged from her mom either. She felt as if she could barely breathe with all this catching up to her, and she slumped down further in her seat, trying to block out the condemnation of Titus, and the people she loved.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh man can't believe I've written 7 chapters of TRASH lmao  
> Also how are my chapter sizes? I want them to be decent because I hate when a fic you're following gets updated but its so small its not even worth reading.  
> And it's Clexa week? Didn't know we had one of those, but it inspired me to get this bad boy to you all today! It's very Clexa-ery, so thats good. Ole' Clarke's is in a bit of a rut at the start, but she comes right, she just was overdue getting some emotions out of her system.  
> THANK YOU ALL for commenting and kudosing and being so awesome and supportive - I really appreciate it and am thankful for each and every comment. It really motivates me to keep writing decent shit for you guys. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter! Any criticism, feedback, suggestions are welcome! 
> 
> Thank you again and enjoy :)

Clarke trudged to study hall to do her correspondence work, Lexa and Anya trailing beside her. She was getting a bit behind, having found it hard to knuckle down and concentrate the last few days. She had been feeling completely wiped out and heavy. All the sleepless nights catching up to her. The days since they had gotten drunk in the chapel had been particularly brutal for Clarke, leaving her with only a few hours each night of sleep to get through the day. The dark circles worsened and her face looked pale and shallow. 

Her whole body felt leaden, heavy and slack. Even walking around camp to between their activities felt too difficult, she didn’t have the energy or the will. And it wasn’t just her unless limbs, it was her mood too. She had been stuck in a rut, perpetually dark and down. Unable to escape her circling thoughts, constantly agonising over the prospect of internal hellfire, her father and her feelings for Lexa had left her miserable. 

Consequently, she had been distant and withdrawn from the others girls, finding herself no longer able to joke around like they did. And Lexa, Lexa was tearing her apart. 

Poor Lexa was beside herself with worry and concern. Even if she tried to hide it, Clarke find it still swimming underneath in her green eyes. She was tentative in touching Clarke yet insistent on walking with Clarke between their classes, despite the fact that it might arouse suspicion in the Healthy Direction leaders, something she was always careful to avoid. 

It was clear she didn’t quite know what to do, other than be there for Clarke, which was all Clarke could ask for really, given she didn’t know what to do herself. She tried to will herself to cooperate and regain her liveliness but it was useless and frustrating. Lexa treated Clarke even more gently if that was possible, now like she was fragile, which wasn’t far off because Clarke felt like she would crumble and blow away any minute. 

She wanted to force distance between her and Lexa too, even if just to spare the concerned brunette from her bitter mood. Surely she was bring Lexa down too, and she could feel the guilt creeping in because of it, welling up in the pit of her stomach. But she needed Lexa, her cuddles and soft touches and calm, sweet words to get her through. Lexa didn’t seem to be going anywhere and so Clarke drunk her up all the same. 

When she got to the study hall, Lexa opened the door for her and Clarke shot her a weak smile, the best she could manage, and slumped into her seat at her usual desk across from Lexa. Their supervisor this week, a preppy Christian guy who wore polos, had placed all their individual exercise packets on the desks and Clarke ripped hers open, letting the sheets spill out. 

She had to take a couple of deep breathes before grimacing and facing her work for today. She worked slowly, taking far longer on each exercise than she should because her sluggish brain wouldn’t cooperate. She could here the others girls messing around and winding up the teacher aid, but they were like background noise which she couldn’t tune into. Clarke could feel Lexa’s eyes flicker over to her now and then but she didn’t meet them, just kept her head down and kept working. 

Eventually study hall wrapped up and the teacher aid came to collect their work packets. When he came to hover over Clarke’s shoulder to collect hers, he saw that she was behind in her exercise and tutted. 

“Clarke you need to work harder to catch up and call out next time if you're having trouble. Okay?” He told her, in what Clarke thought was an overly simpering tone. 

She grumbled and scowled her acknowledgement, annoyed that he had called her out on it in front of all the others girls who had heard and stopped talking to look at Clarke.

“You guys move onto chores. Anya can you delegate please?” Lexa commanded in her no nonsense tone, moving them along instantly 

The girls resumed gossiping and filed out after a nod from Anya. The teacher aid finished collecting the packets and Lexa and Clarke started moving to leave the dusty hall too. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were behind? I would’ve helped you.” Lexa murmured, holding the door open for Clarke.

“I don’t need help.” Clarke spat back without thinking. The sunlight from outside blasting her, making her squint. 

“I know.” Lexa said cautiously, still keeping pace with Clarke’s stormy strides as they followed behind the other girls to the main hall. “You’re more than capable.” 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.” Clarke sighed regretfully and slowed her pace. 

“It’s okay Clarke. It’s perfectly reasonable to have a bad day and it’s just as fine to accept our help on those days… if you need it.” Lexa said, keeping her voice even and understanding. 

Clarke sighed again. She knew what Lexa was getting at, she just didn’t feel like dealing with this right now. 

“I’m fine Lexa.” She groaned, trying to sound final. 

“Clarke…” Lexa whispered, attempting to reason with her as they before they entered the main hall. 

Clarke took a deep breath. She really didn’t want to lose her cool with Lexa. Her lovely Lexa was just worried. Why did she have to be a bitch about it? She felt that familiar guilt creeping under the skin, heat pricking up her neck. 

Clarke’s eyes darted around checking for anyone watching before she reached out and took Lexa’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Can we talk about it later please?” She asked honestly, rubbing her thumb over Lexa’s knuckles, trying to reassure her she would be okay. 

Lexa bit her lip. “Sure.” She breathed out, eyes softening. 

Holding Lexa’s eyes, she gave her a gentle smile, waiting until Lexa returned it with her own shy smile before pulling them into the main hall to find out what chores Anya had left for them. 

 

——

 

After chores and a lunch of semi-stale sandwiches, they had their precious hour of free-time. Lexa directed them to the spacious basement rec room as it had clouded over a little outside and the girls had decided that they wanted to have a ping pong tournament on the make shift table down there. 

The other girls all headed straight for the cupboard that had games and bats in it, wrestling over who would have the first goes and placing bets with money they didn’t have on each other. Usually Clarke would joined in and put $20 on Lexa, because she had unparalleled coordination and was fiercely competitive and she obliviously had the hots for her, but she didn’t feel like it today. Instead she plopped down on the nearest couch, one that would give her a good view of the competition, and pulled her cardigan higher around her to ward off the draft down here. 

Lexa didn’t say anything, she didn’t need too, she just joined her on the old couch, leaving some distance between them. Clarke wanted to be close to her though, she thought she would always want Lexa beside her like this. It only felt right and Clarke could never get enough of how it made her blissful and shivery to have her in her arms, how the energy between them felt brighter and white-hot

Clarke crawled into Lexa’s lap, drawing herself as close as possible and pressing her face into Lexa’s hair to breathe her in. Lexa’s arms came around her immediately and circled her shoulders and back, rubbing warmth into them. The couch they were on was old and musty, worn with holes revealing yellowing stuffing, and Clarke wondered how many other campers had say here and done just this with one another when there was no one around to check them. 

Another deep sigh came loose out of Clarke, from contentedness this time, instead of frustration and exhaustion, and Lexa echoed it, humming as she swept her lips across Clarke’s brow. 

They cuddled in silence and watched the ping pong ball and sarcastic comments fly back and forth between the other girls. If Lexa had wanted to talk this time to talk, then she would have to keep waiting, because Clarke was all to comfortable sitting and enjoy this moment for what it was. 

Lexa being Lexa of course, didn’t push anything, just felt the silence open if Clarke wanted to volunteer anything and otherwise held her, making her feel at peace and safe just by being there. 

Eventually Lexa had to speak up and tell the girls to wrap it up because it was time to go to group therapy session with Titus, although Clarke felt like it lacked her commander image when she had to call out from under where Clarke was draped across her while stroking her braided chestnut hair.  

Clarke and Lexa reluctantly detangled and pulled themselves off the couch they had sunken into.

As they made their fierce argument started up as to who won and who cheated. Raven swore up and down she didn’t rig shit, but no one believed her, especially when she had that devious grin on her face. Both Octavia and Anya thought they won, and the other girls were divided as to who had more points. Apparently, $100 imaginary dollars were at stake, so obviously it was an incredibly serious matter. 

Clarke and Lexa walked to the main hall in silence and side by side, although with the standard 3 feet of space between them, both still in a bit of a haze from the other. When they got reached the double doors, where behind them Titus would be waiting in that circle of plastic chairs, Lexa stopped abruptly before going in and Clarke looked at her questioningly. 

“I have individual session today.” Lexa said by way of explanation. 

“Oh.” Clarke said, taken back and a little disappointed she wouldn’t have Lexa near her so she could stay in their bubble to get through this session. 

Lexa licked her lips. “Will you be okay?” she asked cautiously, not wanting to upset Clarke for seeming patronising again. 

Clarke knowing why Lexa was being so careful and feeling guilty of how she had snapped earlier, nodded seriously and plastered on a smile to let Lexa know she could leave her and it would be alright. 

“Will _you_ be okay?” Clarke echoed the question back at Lexa. 

Lexa gave her that beautiful half smile and her eyes twinkled conspiratorially. “No worries. I can run circles around Nia’s half-baked psycho-babble now.” She said confidently. 

Clarke let out a breathy chuckle. “I don’t doubt it.” 

Lexa gave her one last smile before turning towards the administration block, banished to Nia’s office for the next few hours. 

Clarke took a deep breath and steeled herself before she followed the others through the heavy doors into the shadowy hall, without Lexa. 

 

——

 

By Clarke’s estimation, they were about an hour into the session, although she had lost patience with this charade a long time ago. She was sitting silently, arms crossed against her chest, fuming. However, she was surprised that she had been allowed to fly under the radar so far, especially given they were talking about stage three, which was the stage she was supposedly on. 

The only others who were behind her was Octavia and Luna. 

Octavia because although she freely admitted she was gay, therefore technically passing stage two, she did so proudly and unashamedly, against the theoretic of the program. Titus raged at her for it, but she didn’t seem to care, declaring she had nothing to lose. Clarke didn’t know whether to be envious of her or feel sorry for her.  Regardless, it was impossible not to admire her rebellious spirit. 

Luna had recently developed to stage two. She was being made to repeat the program again from scratch, all six steps, which Clarke thought was cruel of Healthy Directions, given it meant Luna had to rehash her whole back story in front of everyone all over again. 

Clarke had heard it all earlier in the week, and it was painfully similar to Lexa’s story. Preacher’s daughter of a Megachurch. Raised form birth to be the perfect, future wife of an equally powerful Christian man. Found with another girl. Ridiculed and branded unholy. Sent here to repent and be converted. 

It made Clarke disgusted with these people. How could they send their daughters away? They should be proud to have such strong and courageous girls, and if they loved them, everything else should fall away. No matter what religion dictated. 

Clarke huffed in her chair. Lexa’s family didn’t deserve a daughter like her either. So strong and kind and gracious. As far as Clarke was concerned, all the parents of the girls here were ignorant. 

She thought about her own mom. How she had plied her with sedatives and dragged her here in the dead of night. Just thinking about it made her itchy and hot. Why did she feel feel so guilty and ashamed of what her mother had done, but disgust for Lexa’s parents on her behalf? Why couldn’t she extend the same courtesy to herself?

Realising she was tense and had her fists clenched, Clarke shifted in her seat, trying not to let herself get overwhelmed. 

When Lexa had her individual sessions, it was always a little bit harder for Clarke to keep it together. Even though they didn’t even chance sitting together, or looking at one another, Clarke always felt more grounded, knowing Lexa was a few seats down, calm and steady.

So when she wasn’t here, you could feel the absence in the room, the static between them became harsh and strung out. Especially when she knew, in her office Nia was talking a load of shit to Lexa, just as Titus was talking a load of shit right now. 

“The Bible not only describes homosexual behaviour as detestable, but it also calls for the punishment of those involved.” Titus intones. 

He had been rabbiting on about rubbish like this all session. Clarke vaguely remembers hearing Luna and Maya answering his questions and talking while she was zoned out. 

Clarke looked around the circle. Everyone looked bored or mildly irritated. Raven didn’t even look like she was still on this planet. She was probably doing astro-physics in her head for entertainment. 

“Clarke, what do you think about that?” Titus asked abruptly, in his serious tone.

Clarke’s attention snapped to Titus who was looking at her like he was about to carve her up like a piece of meat. “About what?” She echoed sheepishly. 

“About punishment, and therefore repentance, in order to cleanse the homosexual.” He booms, trying to intimidate her. 

I think it’s the stupidest and most illogical thing I’ve ever heard.

Clarke feels her anger and indignation bubble up again. Titus is like an irritating fly that won’t stop buzzing around her head. The things that he likes so say when he is preaching have been haunting her and she feels like the its all getting stuck in her head when thats the last thing she needs. 

“Ummm… If it’s in the bible, then I suppose it’s God’s will?” Clarke guesses, wanting to satisfy Titus  so he will go back to leaving her alone, but at the same time, not wanting to give away her complete disagreement with what he’s saying. 

“I’m glad you agree, Clarke.” He says smugly, dragging out the end of her name. 

“Homosexuality is like a demon, a demon of sin inside a person Clarke. God loathes this sin in his children, it is an abomination that cannot be abided by.” He carries. 

Is he trying to say she has a demon inside of her? That she is an abomination? She already feels bad about her mother and her dad, she doesn’t need this bald God freak trying to make her feel bad about herself too. 

And how dare he say this in front of the other girls? Harper and Maya are only sixteen. What if they internalise this shit? They’ll never come back from the self-hatred. 

She is furious, in an all consuming way. This shouldn't be legal. 

“However, there is hope for you as a homosexual Clarke. God forgives and cleanses a person who repents and turns from their sin, including the sin of homosexual behaviour. From atonement and forgiveness, God’s grace brings with it the power to live a Christian life that is pleasing to God.” Titus continues to patronise and condemn, unaware that Clarke is seething in her seat. 

She doesn’t need to atone for shit and she sure as hell doesn’t need these peoples’ forgiveness. They can shove their cleansing up their arrogant asses. She can feel herself becoming unreachable and overwhelmed with how upset Titus’s words are making her.

“And so, Clarke, in order to complete stage three and progress towards a healthy and godly lifestyle, you must finish our comprehensive atonement course. You must be cleansed of your homosexual demons and sin, exorcised by The Pastor, myself and the power of God. And then you will be free of the dirtiness inside you.” 

“I’m not dirty!” Clarke is on her feet and screaming before Titus can say another word. All hope of remaining rational and waiting out the session is gone. The air feels thick and tense, like there is not enough of it. Clarke can no longer stand it. 

“And fuck you for saying so! There is nothing wrong with me! Nothing wrong with liking girls!” Clarke roars. She knows in the back of her mind all the others are staring at her and this is a bad idea, but she is too far gone. 

“You can’t exorcise me! That’s fucking crazy!!” She stabs her finger at Titus. “You’re a fucking nutjob!” Clarke screams. 

Titus holds his palms up, looking solemn. “Clarke, this is the demon talking.” He says like it’s the most normal thing in the world. 

In her rage, Clarke picks up the back of the plastic lawn chair behind her and suddenly flings it in front of her, towards where Titus is sitting. It doesn’t go all the way across the circle and skids to a stop at Titus’s feet. She didn’t mean to become so aggressive, but she needs Titus to stop saying crazy things and take her seriously. She feels like she’s entered a foreign planet, where it’s okay for adults to call kids abominations and dirty. 

Realising what she’s done, and how violent she is behaving, Clarke crumbles and she hears a burning choked sobs, only to realise that she is the one making them. Her whole body is shaking and her breath is heaving. Her vision is blurring over with tears. 

“Clarke! This is unacceptable behaviour!” She hears Titus yell, but it barely registers. She can’t get her sobbing under control. 

“Clarke?” She hears Octavia try and reach her gently.

She feels a hand on her shoulder, trying to guide her somewhere. 

She hears someone yell at Titus to lay off her. Another hand on her arm.

Anya yells for them to give her some space. 

The sobs are loud and gut-wrenching. All Clarke can think is that she wants her dad. She wants this to be over. She wants her mom to love her again. She’s on the floor now and her chest is heaving and tight. She can feel how wet her face is, soaked with tears. She feels completely grief-stricken, inconsolably so, and overwhelmed with how miserable everything is. 

She doesn’t want eternal hellfire, and she doesn’t want to hear about the devil, or how liking girls, liking Lexa is wrong.

“Breathe, Clarke.” She registers Anya in front of her. 

“Breathe.” She encourages firmly, although softer than Anya usually is, only for Clarke to hear. 

Clarke tries to cooperate, and she takes a gasping breath, trying to let it out slowly like Anya is doing through the sobbing and tears. She put a hand to her chest, trying to get it to loosen up. She could feel her heart hammering, under her hot and clammy dress. 

After a few moments of Clarke breathing like Anya instructed and trying to calm herself, she starts to sound a bit more human, although the tears keep flowing, uncontrollably dribbling down her face. She feels Anya’s arm come around her shoulders and gently start to guide her from the hall. 

Titus seems to sense he’s lost control of the situation, because he calls out to Anya as they are leaving. “Take Clarke to the chapel to pray until she has regained control of herself!” He shouts.

“Everyone else stay behind!” Anya barks out, harsh and serious. She turns to Octavia on her other side. “Get Lexa. We’ll be in the cabin.” She tells her quietly so Titus won’t hear. 

They break out the doors and Clarke already feels better having escaped that torture room. She can breathe fresh air and is a little blinded by the sun in her tear-fulled eyes and it makes her feel less overwhelmed. 

She keeps taking deep breathes but weak sobs still break through now and then while she continues to cry. 

“This way.” Anya murmurs, taking her arm and nudging her in the direction of the cabin as Clarke is only partially with it. 

When they pass through the creaky shutter door of the cabin, Clarke dives straight for the bed and pulls her blankets around her, huddling into them and using the corner to wipe her wet face. Anya just sits a silence, watching from the bunk across from her while Clarke sniffs and bawls. 

Not long after, Lexa suddenly tears in to the room in, making Clarke jump in fright, her breath huffing like she ran here. 

“What the hell happened?!” She bursts out, half sounding like the commander, but also frantic and worried in a way that is entirely unlike the unemotional her. 

“Lex.” Clarke croaks out. She didn’t realise how much she wanted Lexa until she was here, and a fresh wave of frantic tears starts up again

“Clarke.” She breathes out, already moving towards her on the bed. She looks upset with her brow furrowed and her green eyes sorrowful and questioning.

Clarke doesn’t hesitate to mould herself into Lexa as soon as she reaches her on the bed. She abandons the blanket to wind her arms around Lexa’s waist and bury her head on the shoulder, Lexa’s arms coming around her immediately and hold her. She moves into Lexa’s lap too, hooking her legs around her and straddling her on the bunk so that there is no space between them. 

Clarke feels Lexa look over her shoulder to nod at Anya, who leaves without another work, the shutter banging behind her. 

They’re quiet for a few moments are Clarke lets herself be soothed by Lexa, her smell and the calming stroking on her back. The calm she feels now that she's connected to her. She’s sniffling and hiccuping now while her tears slow. 

Eventually Lexa prompts her. “Clarke, please, talk to me.” She pleads softly. Clarke realises she must have been waiting patiently for her to do so the past week. Maybe longer? Everyone knew about her dead dad and her crazy christian mom from group sessions, she hadn’t really talked about them any more than that, not personally in a way that wasn’t detached from her. Or about she felt about being her. It was like she just switched off. Clarke sighs. I guess theres an easy fix for that. 

“Titus.” Clarke hiccups, shaky. 

“What about Titus baby?” Lexa asks tenderly, ever patient. 

“We were talking about stage three in session. He was saying that I need to be cleansed and exorcised of my demon and dirtiness, and I just lost it. I was feeling so overwhelmed and angry-” Clarke tries to explain.

Lexa’s breath comes out in a little huff and she tenses ever so slightly in Clarke’s arms. Clarke pulls her head out of the crook of Lexa’s neck which she had been mumbling into to look up at Lexa

Lexa softens again and locks into Clarke’s red, swollen eyes. “You know that’s not true, right?”

“Mmmm. I guess. I just-” Clarke shrugs but Lexa stops her, serious and earnest. 

“Clarke listen to me. That's not true, at all. Okay? You’re beautiful and smart and brave… none of the things that Titus says.” She says with conviction, not realising how cute she sounds to Clarke when she’s all worked up. 

Clarke squirms and smiles through her wet eyes. Lexa makes everything seem better. 

She leans up to kiss her jaw. “You’re sweet.” She says against the skin there. 

“I know. Carry on.” Lexa says with a half smile, lightening things back up. 

“I guess it’s been weighing on me for a while, all this stuff about hellfire and the devil and homosexuality being evil, you know? I feel like I’m being bombarded with it constantly and its hard to fend off right now.” Clarke chokes out.

Lexa keeps rubbing back, not breaking rhythm while Clarke is making her confessions which she appreciates. “And what do you think about that?” she probes gently. 

“I think… I think it sometimes sounds like rubbish, but other times, when I’m already feeling down, its hard not to think, maybe there’s something to it? Maybe there’s a reason so many people don’t abide by gay people. Maybe we do end up in Hell.” Clarke mutters the last part bitterly more to herself.

“And do you Octavia and Raven and sweet Maya are all going to go to Hell too?” Lexa asks evenly.

“No! Of course not.” Clarke defends.

“Well, then how come you don’t think the same of yourself?” Lexa almost whispers. 

Clarke smiles a little. “You got me there, Commander.” She tries to joke. 

Lexa chuckles. “You’re so hard on yourself baby.” She says sincerely. “I don’t think it’s wise to think to seriously about anything a bigoted religious fanatic has to say, do you?”

“No.” Clarke sighs. “What about when that person is your own mother though?” she asks quietly. 

“I think we might have to entertain the idea our mothers may be wrong. How was it when you arrived at camp half conscious?”

“Scary. Heart-breaking. I felt betrayed and rejected and horrible. I never thought my own mom would do something like that.” Clarke admits. 

Lexa is silent, hands moving to stroke Clarke’s hair.

Clarke thinks for a long moment before speaking. “That’s not right. Drugging your own daughter and sending them away to get ‘fixed’ for a trait you don’t find desirable.” Clarke states with more conviction behind it. 

Lexa seems to put everything in perspective, not even saying anything but letting the silence speak and giving Clarke space to put things together and rationalise her thoughts now that she is less emotional. Lexa is calm and wise and steady and Clarke feels it reach out to her and sooth her over. It is so different to Titus, Jaha and Nia always telling them what they should think, what they should feel. It’s a relief to Clarke to have the time to have this moment to talk things out with Lexa for herself. 

After a long while of Lexa's fingers gently running through her long blonde hair, she keeps going. 

“I miss my dad.” She whispers like a confession. “I miss him like a lost a part of myself.” A few more shaky tears trail down her cheeks. 

“I know.” Lexa murmurs reassuringly. 

Lexa is doesn't say anything while Clarke has another quiet cry, the silence only disturbed by the singing of cicadas from outside the cabin and Clarke's sniffling as she waits for her tears to slow again. 

Eventually Lexa whispers in her ear, promising something that makes her feel infinitely better. “It’s okay to miss him Clarke, you don’t have to hold it in. Miss him when you miss him and let it out, and in time it will get better. And you don’t have to carry it all on your own. We have each other. I’ll look after you, and you look after me. Okay?”

Clarke nods against Lexa’s collarbone still crying. 

Lexa holds her and rocks for a long while afterwards while Clarke presses grateful kisses into her and plays with her curls. They whisper more to each other and Lexa goofs off for her, becoming unusually playful to coax more smiles out of her. The cabin grows dark as the afternoon fades and eventually the others girls stumble in from dinner, a little less rowdy than usual, probably to be mindful of Clarke’s earlier distress. 

Octavia bounds in first and when she sees Lexa and Clarke cuddling, giggling and whispering to one another, she beams over at Clarke. 

“Are you doing okay Clarkey? You really lost your shit back there.” She says with a sly smile. 

Raven is not far behind her, as per usual. “Yeah you almost hit Titus with your chair! It was like watching WWE in real life.” She says.

“You threw a chair at Titus?” Lexa asks, surprised.

Clarke feels her cheeks get red and nods. It’s not something she’s exactly proud of. 

“She missed him though, which was disappointing. You need to help her with her aim Lexa.” Luna advises, only half joking.

Clarke groans and buries her head in her hands, embarrassed and ashamed at how she acted. 

“Clarke? You were angry. It is understandable.” Lexa assures her seriously.

“Doesn’t make it okay.” Clarke mumbles from her hands. 

“Clarke, I’m sure you actually could have hit him with your chair if you wanted to, and what matters is that you didn’t. Everything will be okay.” Lexa promises her. 

“Titus says he wants to see you in his office tomorrow for a punishment.” Raven declares. 

“Jesus babe, we’re trying to cheer her up, not make things worse.” Octavia chides her girlfriend. 

“Sanitation?” Lexa worries, drawing Clarke closer on the bunk. 

“Nah, not this time I reckon. He said Clarke was in the middle of an ‘emotional breakthrough’ and he didn’t want to fuck with it.” Said Raven. 

“Well he’s not wrong.” Clarke mutters. 

“I’ll tell you about stage three and four tomorrow and that way you’ll know what’s coming.” Lexa tells her. 

“Um guys? We need to get going to prayers soon.” Maya reminds them. “Harper and I are gonna go over and meet you there.” 

Clarke groans and Lexa rubs her back sympathetically. Clarke knows theres no use to trying to skip out. She’s already on incredibly thin ice with Titus and prayers are compulsory. She has no choice but to drag herself there.

“Okay girls lets head on over.” Lexa gives the order reluctantly.

Clarke rubs her red eyes and pulls herself away from the warmth of Lexa to stand up. She attempts to smooth out her own crinkled dress but gives up and makes for the door, Lexa right behind her.

 

——

 

After evening prayers at the chapel, the girls went back to the cabin to get ready for bed before final lights out. 

Clarke had been so sleepy during chapel. She had no energy left, but she dragged herself there and sat with Lexa in the back. They sat far apart but it was enough for Clarke who slumped down in the pew and let her eyes rest for a bit, dosing through the Pastor’s incredibly dull preaching. When it was finally over, Lexa gently shook her awake and they all trudged back, tired and weary. 

Clarke now sat cross-legged on her bunk with a book in her hand that she was too exhausted and bleary eyed to even read. Lexa was on her bunk too, sitting across from her and actually reading, so Clarke settled for watching her instead. The steady rise and fall of Lexa’s chest from her breathing and her rhythmic page turning was putting Clarke into a hypnotic trance. 

However, all too soon Lexa slid her Jesus bookmark back into the book and was stretching out her endless long legs to get off the bunk. 

“Where are you going?” Clarke asked, started from her tired daze. 

“Nia will be over for lights out soon.” Lexa explained. 

Clarke gave a forlorn sigh. Lights out signified the start of a long night of tossing and turning. Utter exhaustion heavy in her body but the relief of sleep still completely evading her. She knew tonight would be particularly torturous .

Clarke’s misery must have been evident on her face because Lexa leaned over to cup her cheek and look into her eyes. 

“Still having trouble sleeping?” She asked quietly.  

Clarke gave a small nod and then took Lexa’s hands to intertwine them with hers. “Maybe, you could… Please stay with me in my bunk tonight? Just until I fall asleep?” 

Clarke asked. She could probably fall asleep in 5 minutes if Lexa was cuddled up beside her. She would be so much more relaxed. Now that she had said it, she desperately wished Lexa would say yes, although she thought it unlikely. Clarke would have asked before but she thought Lexa would be too concerned about getting caught. 

“Of course baby. I’ll stay with you all night if thats what you want.” Lexa murmured sweetly. 

“You will?” Clarke was so tired and happy, she could start crying all over again.

“Yeah. But I’ll have to come back in after Nia is gone, okay?”

Clark hums and crawls under her covers to wait for Nia to come and make sure they’re all accounted for. 

Lexa bosses everyone around for a bit, hurrying them and chiding them for being messy and noisy until she is the last one to get in her bed. Nia comes in the check them all and shut off the lights just as Lexa is climbing up into her bunk. Clarke catches the wink Lexa gives her before disappearing onto the bunk on top of hers. 

Nia inspects them sourly in their respective bunks and then flees the cabin, muttering ‘God bless’, letting the room descend into darkness. 

Not 5 minutes later and Clarke hears the tell-tale creaks of Lexa’s springs above her. Clarke’s eyes haven’t adjusted to the darkness yet, so she can’t see Lexa climbing down towards her, but she can tell that she is, and she reaches her hands out to feel for soft Lexa parts. 

Lexa must have had her arms out-stretched, blindly feeling for Clarke in the dark too, because their hands meet and Clarke grabs onto her, pulling her in. 

Clarke shuffles over to her far side of the bunk against the wall and feels Lexa slide in beside her under the covers. She can hear her calm breathing and Lexa’s soft, bare legs brush up against hers in the bed where their shorts end. 

“Hey.” Lexa whispers. Clarke can tell she in smiling in the dark. 

Clarke feels for her face and cups her jaw when she finds it, bring their heads together so she can press her lips against Lexa’s. Clarke hums into the kiss, feeling warm and relieved as their lips move together. She can taste Lexa’s toothpaste on her breathe. 

Clarke breaks the kiss. “Hi.” She whispers back. 

Clarke adjusts herself so she can snuggle closer to Lexa, tucking her head under her chin and bringing an arm over her stomach. Clarke is surrounded by Lexa. Her hair tickling her forehead, breathe fanning across her face and her sweet scent bringing her home. 

“Sleep Clarke, you must be so drained.” Lexa murmurs with a kiss to her forehead. 

“Goodnight Lex.” Clarke whispers, but it comes out garbled from tiredness. 

As Clarke felt her eyes grow heavy, and the fog of exhaustion overcome her, she thought how thankful she was to have Lexa here with her. How she made everything seem just fine. How together they were untouchable and beautiful and infinite. 

If Lexa’s family wouldn’t love her like she deserved to be loved, absolutely and unconditionally, then Clarke would. She wasn’t afraid anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel like nothing super important happens in this chapter but hopefully it's still a nice little fluffy piece for you all! Let me know what you think!

Waking up to Lexa beside her felt like a small miracle. Better than any miracle in the bible, better than God creating the earth, better than Jesus walking on water. Clarke’s eyes fluttered open and it almost hurt to keep looking at her, she looked so beautiful and peaceful. Her lovely hair was spayed out on the one pillow between them, wild curls silken in the morning sun. Her delicate features were relaxed in sleep. Long eyelashes casting shadows on her face and plump lips slightly parted. Clarke desperately wanted to sweep her lips across them. 

She settled for just watching her until she realised that the anthem would start blasting soon, waking everyone up. She started softly running her fingertips across the planes of her face to wake Lexa up so she could share this little moment with her. 

Lexa’s eyelids flutter as Clarke’s fingers draw across them, a barely there caress. Her nose scrunched up adorably, and then her bright green eyes awakened to Clarke’s, and her dazzling, happy smile. 

They were silent for a moment as Clarke drunk in sleepy Lexa waking up, and Lexa came to her bearings, although she seemed to just stare back at Clarke, looking delighted and enraptured. 

Lexa looking at her with such reverence made Clarke squirm with delight, and she pressed her smiling lips against Lexa’s to tell her so. Lex’s hand came up to cup her cheek, her thumb smoothing across it. The golden morning sun was streaming in through the curtainless cabin windows, bathing them both in light. Clarke could hear the hum of cicadas, the sound she was beginning to associate with camp, blaring outside. She felt blissful, and she let happy laughter bubble up against Lexa’s lips. 

Lexa seemed to catch the mood because she erupted in giggles too, and the pair of them giggled and traded kisses, drunk off each other and the feeling of waking up together. 

“Morning Lex.” Clarke crooned to her. 

“Good morning.” Lexa hummed back into Clarke’s neck. Somehow in the night, Clarke had ended up spooning Lexa, and she was now tucked against her, Clarke’s arms wrapped around her. 

“Yes it’s a bloody good morning for the pair of you giggling muppets. Now shut up! Some of us want to sleep the fuck in.” Raven grumbled from the opposite bunk. 

Clarke looked over to see Raven and Octavia tucked up together too, their dark hair mixing on the pillow and Octavia’s arms wrapped possessively around Raven, who was scowling even with her eyes still closed. 

Clarke’s grin turned mischievous, and she broke away from Lexa, who whined as Clarke left the bed and rumpled the covers in her wake to crawl over Lexa on their wooden bunk. Clarke’s feet hit the cold ground and she felt the fresh morning air hit her skin, but she darted for Octavia’s and Raven’s bed, sneaking up on them while they were dozing and crawling up from the bottom of their bunk to lie in-between them, mashing her face in-between theirs. They let up groans when they felt Clarke’s weight settle on top of them on the narrow bunk over the covers.

“Mmmm… Good morning beautiful friends.” Clarke coos into them. She knows she gave them a scare yesterday when she had her meltdown and she wants them to know she’s grateful they were there for her.

“ _Clarkeeeeee_!” Octavia whined, but she moves her outside arm to rest a warm hand atop Clarke’s back above the covers, holding her there. 

Raven groaned too but nuzzled closer into Clarke where her head was pressed up against her cheek. 

Clarke sighs out, feeling blissful mashed up against her two best friends.

“How come you two get to cuddle with my girlfriend and I don’t?” Lexa drawls suddenly standing next to the bunk, looking down at them sandwiched together. Clarke loved it when Lexa called her _her girlfriend._ She can’t even pin point the day the switch happened. There was no sit down talk or discussion, they just progressed to it naturally. It was the closest word to label what they were to one another now. 

“We’re better cuddlers.” Octavia sighs with sleep. 

“Are not!” Lexa grumbles, and she pounces on the three of them, tickling any sides or skin she could find, mostly Clarke who was on top. They all broke out in giggles and squirmed around trying to evade Lexa’s merciless tickling. Elbows and hair went flying, as they jerked, but none of them minded.

Lexa eventually let up and slipped under the covers at the other end of the bunk. Clarke dragged herself to her other end to tuck herself under the blankets next to Lexa. The four of them top and tailed, piled up like sleepy puppies, warm and legs tangled. There was no where else Clarke would rather be.

Eventually the anthem started it’s obnoxious chant and everyone groaned and detangled, reminded that it was another day at conversion camp, and they had somewhere to be. 

Clarke slipped around the corner into the other small room of the cabin, where the big old wooden wardrobes stood and a few ancient basins where in the changing room to get ready for the day. Lexa disappeared behind one of the partitions, tacky plastic walls that jutted out of the cabin walls, making the room look almost cubicle like.

Clarke moved to one of the basins and splashed her face with cold water to waker herself up a bit more. She wished she could look in the mirror, just out of familiarity, but there were none in their cabin to prevent excessive vanity. 

Lexa emerged from behind the partition, dressed in a fresh grey dress. How she managed to make even these dreary uniforms look attractive, Clarke would never know. 

She studied Lexa for a moment . Watching her get ready quickly before everyone else was like watching the playful, tender Lexa disappear, and the impassive, stoney Lexa slowly take her place. 

After yesterday, Clarke understood why she did it. You didn’t survive two years here by being yourself. She walked a fine balance between being stoic and being sweet and caring, depending on who she was with. She was good at switching between the two as she needed, waiting until it was appropriate to feel. 

Clarke sighed. She needed to get a strategy together. She couldn’t keep bottling everything all up and then exploding when Titus took a snap at her. 

Clarke moved over to where Lexa was finishing intricately braiding her hair. She looked into Lexa’s eyes, checking for that hint of the Lexa that was hers, the one that melted when they kissed. She smoothed out the white peter pan collar of Lexa’s dress, and under her soft touch, she found it. 

“Clarke?” Lexa murmured questioningly, reading her like a book. 

Clarke shook her head to indicate that it was nothing, but Lexa shot her back a stern look like ‘tell me later’. 

“How do you feel this morning?” Lexa asked lightly instead. 

Clarke smiled. “Much better. Happy.” Clarke thought about how had been shut off and cold last week. “I’m sorry for the last week.” she blurted, feeling guilty and remembering how understanding Lexa had been. 

“You don’t have anything to apologise for Clarke.” she said seriously. 

“All the same, thank you for looking after me.” Clarke asserted. 

Lexa’s hands took hers. “Of course. You’ve still not been here long, you’ve got to give yourself some credit for how well you’ve been handling it.” Lexa reasoned

“It’s been like 2 months, Lex.” Clarke snorted.

“Still not that long to adjust to a completely new lifestyle.” She countered. 

“The heterosexual lifestyle?” Clarke teased, raising her eyebrows. 

They both chuckled at that, because if anything, things had gotten gayer for the both of them. 

Lexa’s arms came around her and Clarke melted against her. “You’re so good to me.” She sighed dreamily over Lexa’s shoulder, breathing her in.

She felt Lexa kiss her hair. 

“Shall I braid your hair?” Lexa whispered into her neck. Clarke could feel her breath puff against the skin there. 

Clarke hummed in agreement, happy to let Lexa do that before they had to face a day of no touching. 

Clarke took her hand and guided her to a chair, sitting herself down in front of it between Lexa’s legs. Clarke relaxed back as she began to feel quick fingers gently pull and tug her hair into a single french braid. She felt herself completely dissolve and relax further under Lexa’s touch and she tried to bottle this feeling so she could keep it close to her for the rest of the day, till she could be with Lexa properly again.  

When Lexa was done, she gave Clarke a peck on the lips and moved back into the other room, muttering something about hauling Anya’s ass out of bed. 

Clarke went to the wardrobe where she kept most of her clothes and lazily sifted through everyone else’s things, haphazardly thrown in until she found a dress she was sure was hers. She buttoned it up and tugged at it, trying to get the stiff fabric to sit right.

“Lex, can you please check this?” She yelled out to her in the other room. 

When she heard nothing back, she stuck her head around the corner. “Lex?” she calls.

“She’s not here.” Luna says, appearing in front of her. “She went to the main hall with the others to brush her teeth, and Harper wanted a shower.” She explains. Anya and Maya are the only other ones left in the room. 

“Oh.” Clarke says lamely. 

Luna moves into her personal space and starts to unbutton the back of Clarke’s dress behind her. 

“Uh, Luna-” Clarke questions stiffly. 

“Relax, you had your buttons done up wrong.” 

Great now I look like a moron who can’t even get their own dress on in front of Lexa’s childhood best friend. 

“It’s hard to get right when there’s no mirror.” Clarke tries to explain while Luna redoes all her buttons correctly, 

“Uh-huh.” When she’s finished she smooths out he material on Clarke’s shoulders and turns her so they are face to face and looking her in the eyes. It’s nice that Luna is being so lovely to her, but it all feels a bit wired having her this close. 

“You’re good for her you know.” Luna says, matter of fact.

“Hmmm?” Clarke asks, feeling her hair to make sure Lexa’s braid is still neat. 

“Lexa.” And Clarke’s full attention snaps back to Luna. “She’s like a different person when she’s with you. Hell, She’s like a different person altogether since I was last at camp. She’s more open and free. And she’s so much happier.”

“Lexa’s done even more for me, she's made me so happy too.” Clarke says bashfully, trying to explain that she’s the one on the receiving end. She’s the extraordinarily lucky one. 

“Knowing Lexa, I’m sure that’s true, but don't underestimate the effect you’ve had on her. She’s lucky to have you to love her so.” Luna finishes and she sweeps out the door, leaving Clarke standing there blinking. 

Anya comes over to here and Clarke thinks if she has anymore revelations about Lexa to give her then she’s going to have a heart attack. 

But Anya just sighs and rolls her eyes in the direction Luna left. “She’s still such a dramatic hoe. Come on, we better head over for prayers. I’m sure _your Lexa_ will meet us there.” 

Clarke nods and blushes at her teasing, and Anya calls for Maya to hurry up and join them. She bounds over, and they start to trek across the grass. 

“Hey Anya?” Clarke asks.

Anya makes a sound of acknowledgement and Clarke takes a deep breath and continues. 

“Thanks for yesterday, for helping me out.” Clarke says sincerely. 

Anya looks a bit a taken back, and she clears her throat awkwardly. “Uhhh, no problem.” she mutters. 

Clarke smiles to herself. Anya is such a softie. 

“Alright no more emotional shit. Maya if you have a problem, it’ll have to wait to tomorrow.” Anya grumbles, only half joking as they reach the chapel doors.  

 

——

 

After breakfast, just as the girls are about to start clearing the bowls and plates, Titus stands from the head and looms over them, looking grim. 

“Clarke, as punishment for your violence and outburst yesterday, It has been decided that you shall, for the next three days, complete all the camper’s chores, working through lunch and reflection time if necessary to complete them.” He booms.

Oh fuck that’s a lot of work. I guess I did throw a chair at him?

While Clarke quietly resigns herself to her fate, the others girls stop moving and plates clatter. There seems to be a collective moment of silence before several shouts of protest ring out. Clarke swears she hears Lexa growl beside her. 

“That’s totally out of proportion!” Luna shouts, incredulous. 

“And _you_ were the one who provoked her!” Anya accuses, stabbing her finger at him.

“Silence! I will not hear anymore on this matter! Clarke is still relatively new here and we have decided that the punishment needed to be harsh to prevent Clarke from slipping down the wayward track. In fact from now all, all punishments, for everyone, will be harsher! Clarke will perform her punishment and the rest of you will have extended study hall during that time. I expect your grades to be impeccable.” Titus roars. 

There is more squabbling and protesting until Lexa speaks up. And she looks _pissed_. 

“Enough! Clear the dishes and then move out.” She orders sharply, not even needed to raise her voice like Titus for her command to be taken seriously. All the girls immediately shut up and do as they are told, although none of them look happy about it. She is full commander mode, angry and unwavering.

God that’s hot.

Clarke tries to refrain from looking at Lexa too much, keeping her head down and taking her dishes back to the kitchen instead. She knows if she looks, she while stare, and she doesn’t want to draw any more attention to herself or Lexa. 

When they are done, Titus speaks up once again. 

“Thank-you girls. Now off to study hall. May God be with you.” He says sagely. 

 

——

 

When they get to study hall, there is an obnoxious looking fat man with round glasses waiting for them. He tries to introduce himself, but he can barely make himself heard. 

“What the fuck Lexa? Your on their side now?!” Octavia bursts out as soon as they get through the doors

“Of course not Octavia!” Lexa hisses.

“Oh then what’s with you barking orders for them now?” She shoots right back. 

“What about Clarke?” Maya asks anxiously.

“We will help Clarke. I was simply waiting for us all to be _alone_ so we could formulate a plan.” She grits out, obviously trying to keep her cool with everyone questioning her. 

The teacher aide who was hovering in the background tries to interrupt their argument. 

“Uh, excuse me-” he croaks, but Lexa simply holds up her palm, indicating that he is to wait. The old man just shrugs and trudges back to his desk, apparently uncaring. 

“I called for everyone to shut up to prevent more punishments being dished out. You heard him, punishments will be harsher now.” Lexa finishes.

“Oh... When you put it that way…” Octavia says sheepishly. 

Lexa rolls her eyes. “This punishment is stricter than necessary and unjust, considering Clarke was mercilessly provoked by Titus. I plan to stand with Clarke and help her complete the chores each day of the punishment.” Lexa declares like she is about to wage a war. She is fierce and proud and Clarke can only moon at her. 

“Who will stand with me?” She implores. 

Immediately everyone pledges themselves to the cause, all riled up after Lexa’s little speech. 

Clarke has to shake her head and remind herself that they are just cleaning toilets and doing washing, not going into battle. 

“Uh, guys, I really appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t mind doing it all. I did break the rules after all.” Clarke suggests awkwardly. 

Raven snorts. “Bullshit Clarke. We’re not all going to sit around on our asses while you clean the whole camp. All that work will take you hours.”

Lexa moves over to her so she can look straight into her eyes. “Clarke, you’re one of us now. And no one here is being forced to help, we all _want_ to share the load.” She tells her gently. 

Clarke reels a bit. One of them. She can’t believe they all are willing to risk getting in trouble just so she doesn’t have to do this alone. This must be what having sisters feels like. 

“Thank you.” She croaks out, suddenly feeling emotional. 

Lexa looks over her shoulder to see the teacher aide buried behind a newspaper, feet propped up on the best. With him distracted, Lexa gently tucks some of Clarke’s loose hair behind her ear, and smiles one of her sweet Clarke smiles for her. 

Clarke can’t help it, she quickly ducks in a pecks Lexa on her apple of her cheek. 

“You really know how to rally the troops, Commander.” Clarke whispers slyly 

“They don’t call me the Commander for nothing.” She whispers back, smug. 

Clarke takes her hand and moves as close to Lexa as she can get. “Well I happen to like when the Commander comes out to play. Maybe I should take her into the woods later?” Clarke purrs under her breath, low and sultry so Lexa takes the bait.

Lexa smirks, about to reply until Raven elbows them and coughs, fake and loud. Lexa is three feet apart from Clarke in an instant and the teacher aide is moving towards them, looking flustered. 

“Girls, I need you to take your seats now and get started on your packets.” He whines in his nasal tone.

Clarke takes her place smiling to herself, happy she won’t be on her hands and knees for hours trying to clean this dump by herself. 

 

——

 

Come chore time, Lexa divides the chores up evenly just as they usually would, and everyone seems happy to help. Clarke can’t stop thanking them all profusely though they just wave her off. But they could all be hanging out in study hall together right now if they weren’t so generous. 

Clarke insists on doing the bathrooms, the worst job, and Lexa being Lexa, insists on joining her, so they march over to the bathroom block at the back of the main hall together carrying buckets and scrubbing brushes. 

 

Clarke had taken to the sinks, scrubbing them as hard as she could to get them to come up sparkling again, and Lexa was in one of the stalls, bent over cleaning the toilet. The smell of bleach  and chemicals permeated the humid air. They had chatted back and forth at the start, but had now fallen into silence as they concentrated on finishing the job. Only the sound of scrubbing and occasional rush of water from the taps could be heard. 

Now almost finished, Clarke looked over to Lexa and sighed. God she had such a nice ass. It was so distracting, being there like that, attached to her girlfriend, who was coincidentally bent over right in Clarke's line of vision.

“Hey Lex could you please come help with this for a sec?” Clarke called out innocently. She wipes some of the sweat that had gathered at her forehead. 

Lexa immediately finished what she was doing and came over to Clarke, wiping her hands on her dress. 

“What is it?” She asked, clearly determined to help Clarke with whatever. 

Clarke moves closer to Lexa, and waves her hand dismissively at the sink. “Oh, you know.” She says vaguely. 

“It looks done to me?” Lexa says, confused staring down at the sinks.

Clarke tucks a strand of hair that had come loose from Lexa’s braid behind her ear as an excuse to touch her. Her hand lingers and eventually travels down to take Lexa’s hand in hers. 

“It is.” Clarke murmurs, staring at Lexa.

“Then what do you need help with?” She says, and turns to Clarke questioningly, eyebrows furrowed. 

Clarke gives Lexa a wicked grin and moves in on her now that her attention is on her. She pulls Lexa into a searing kiss, and backs her against the sinks, kissing her fully and deeply like she had been longing to do since this morning. 

Lexa takes a minute to respond in her surprise, but when she does it is just as eager, hands flying to Clarke’s hips, drawing her closer. Clarke’s hands get tangled in Lexa’s hair, tugging at her baby hairs at the nape of her neck. She moves her head, deepening the kiss which makes Lexa give out a breathy moan

Clarke takes Lexa’s bottom lip between hers and tugs at it gently, trying to draw more of the sounds from her girl, and Lexa moves her hands to grab at Clarke’s ass, squeezing gently and driving Clarke mad, obviously on the same mission as her. 

They come up for air, both panting and their foreheads touch for a moment before Clarke is kissing at Lexa’s neck, sucking and nipping at the skin she finds there, unable to get enough of Lexa, her smell, the way she tastes, those sweet sounds she is making right now. 

Lexa pushes herself impossibly closer to Clarke, bringing their bodies flush. She moves her hand to Clarke’s cheek, guiding her back to her lips so she can kiss her again. 

And Lexa does, capturing her lips and kissing her back with the same passion. Clarke feels electric, high off the way Lexa makes her feel, the way she is kissing her. 

Lexa’s hands are running up her sides and then back down to her ass again, hitching her dress. Clarke’s hands find the small of Lexa’s back and she undoes a few of the buttons there, so she can feel Lexa’s skin, smooth and warm. She starts to undo more buttons so she can pull Lexa’s dress off her. 

Lexa breaks away, gasping. “Wait, wait. We shouldn’t get carried away.” she says, breathless and not looking entirely convicted with her own words.

Clarke groans and clutches Lexa tighter, making her chuckle. All she wants to do is get carried away with Lexa forever.

“I know Clarke, but we can’t. Now is not the right time, or place. These cold old bathrooms surrounded by cleaning products?” Lexa says, reading her mind again. 

Clarke looks to the ceiling, annoyed. Why does Lexa always have to be right?

“This is so frustrating! We never get uninterrupted alone time. I just wanna be with you Lex.” Clarke whispers, pouting now.

Lexa pecks her lips and takes her face in her hands. “I know baby, and I want you too, but right now, we have to go meet the others outside, okay?” She murmurs sympathetically. 

Clarke nods and moves to Lexa for a hug, resting her head on her shoulder and breathing her in again, letting her scent sooth over her like a balm. Lexa’s arms immediately come around her and rub up and down her back.

They clutch each other for a while. Clarke let’s herself be soothed and calmed by Lexa’s touch before they break apart and start to righten themselves again. Clarke does Lexa’s buttons back up, and Lexa fixes her hair so that its neat and tidy again. She takes deep breathes to calm herself down again after getting so riled up, and see catches Lexa doing the same. Once she feels more in control of her impulses, and they look like they haven’t been secretly making out, they finish up in the bathroom and gather up the cleaning supplies so they can meet the others for lunch and free time. 

 

——

 

To everyone’s disappointment, the weather that day turned sour on them.

“Well now what?” Octavia grumbled bitterly.

When Clarke and Lexa had met back at the main hall, they had looked outside to discover it pouring down with rain, although the air was stick thick with the summer heat. It meant that after lunch, they couldn’t have free time outside and they were confined to the main hall and rec room which was far more boring and limited. 

“We could play Christian Game of Life in the rec room again?” Maya suggests, trying to be helpful but everyone groans at the thought. 

“Over my dead body.” Anya mutters. 

“We could break into the pantry for a second lunch?” Octavia asks hopefully.

“How do you eat so much? Where do you put it?” Luna asks, genuinely amazed. 

“Arghhh, fuck this weather.” Raven sighs, grumpy. 

“I want to work on my sketching.” Clarke says more to Lexa than the others because it’s usually Lexa who has the final say in what they do. 

“Fine. Everyone do their own thing for rec time today. Clarke and I are going to dash back to the cabin for books and the radio - we’ll meet you guys in the basement.” She commands decisively. 

 

Later they had their session with Jaha, which went surprisingly smoothly, as he didn’t try to continue from the place where Titus had left off yesterday, trying to exorcise Clarke. He went back to teaching them about resisting the temptation of homosexual sin, leaving the development of Clarke’s program to Titus. Clarke breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed into the session, zoning Jaha out.

After they had dinner, Titus stood at the head of the table just as he had this morning, clearing his throat to gain their attention. 

“Hear we go again.” Raven muttered under her breath next to her. 

“Girls, unfortunately the Pastor couldn’t make it for evening prayers this evening due to the bad weather making it dangerous for someone of his age to be driving on the roads. Seen as it is a Friday night, we will be having a movie night, showing ‘The Passion of Christ’ in the main hall.” He announced solemn as always.

A few delighted cheers snuck out at the promise of a movie night, despite the title chosen.

“Please clear away your plates and proceed to the hall now.” He finished, barely holding the girls’ attention as they hurried off to clear everything away. 

Once the table was cleared, the girls dashed back over to the main hall from the dinning hall in the incessant rain. Many of them held their cardigans over their heads in an attempt to not get completely soaked. 

There was laughter and squeals as they tried to dodge puddles while running. The sky had darkened as night fell and they had only the bleary lights from the dining hall behind them and the main hall to illuminate their path. 

They were about halfway across the path when Clarke stopped, yanking on Lexa’s hand to get her to stay behind too. Clarke tilted her head up to the sky, all around her the slosh of pouring rain roaring in her ears. Her hair was now completely drenched and sticking to her face, as was a lot of her dress, but the air was still warm and humid, so Clarke didn’t mind one bit. 

She felt the rain hit her face and flung her arms out, marvelling at the feeling. She could feel Lexa looking at her, grinning and she turned to her, grinned back. Lexa was soaked through too, looking like an adorable drowned kitten, only with a smile that lit up her whole face even in the dark. She was looking at Clarke in that special way again, like something sacred.

Clarke took her hands and spun them around, and their peals of laughter rang out as they twirled until Lexa tugged them back into a run towards the main hall. They were safe under the thick cover of rain. No one could see them clearly in the onslaught. 

When they reached the main hall, they pushed through the heavy double wooden doors to the room where the session were sassily held with the plastic chairs. They others were already there, shedding their wet woollen cardigans and shoes and socks filled with water. 

Jaha was there too, setting up the old projector, squinting at the different knobs, trying to get the images of the opening credits to focus on the bare wall. 

Someone had fetched some spare towels from the bathroom that backed the main hall, and Raven handed one to Clarke. She immediately started to pat herself down and dry her hair as much as she could, although she still remained pretty damp.

“Luna, could you please get the old blankets from the cupboard in the basement?” Lexa asked and started drying herself with a towel too. Luna scurried off straight away, obviously knowing what Lexa was talking about. 

The plastic chairs they usually used for session had been rearranged to face the wall, and a few of the girls had already taken a seat. 

Luna came back quickly holding a huge pile of thick plaid woollen blankets that could have been from last century. They had to shake them out to get rid of the smell of must, but once Clarke settled in a plastic chair, feet tucked up and blanket around her shoulders she felt warm and content. You could hear the gentle patter of rain on the roof and Clarke relaxed into it while she waited for Jaha to get the movie to start. 

To Clarke’s surprise, Lexa took the seat next to her, and she looked over to see Octavia and Raven sitting together too, which they usually avoided doing. She gave Lexa a smile all the same and soon enough The Passion of Christ started up. The colour and quality were poor and the screen flickered now and then, but it was a movie all the same and Clarke hadn’t watched anything on a screen long time. 

The room descended into darkness, and Clarke looked over her shoulder to see Jaha leaving, having switched the lights off on his way out.

“He’s not staying?” Clarke whispered to Lexa, surprised. 

“No, he always goes home at this time and so does Titus some nights. Only Nia always stays to do lights out, and she’ll be in her office now.” Lexa whispers back, leaning closer to Clarke. 

As the movie rolls, Lexa takes another blanket and spreads it over their legs and Clarke leans over to Lexa in her chair too, so she can rest her head on Lexa’s shoulder. 

She’s hardly paying attention to the movie. The fuzzy images move across the screen but she couldn’t tell you what was happening in the movie, to focused on the pulse between her and Lexa, electrified in the dark. Lexa took her hand under the blanket between them and her thumb smoothed across the back of her hand which made Clarke melt and get lost all over again in the haze of Lexa. 

At some point she watches Octavia and Raven sneak out to be alone, and when they come back half an hour later, they are carrying snacks. Packets of boring biscuits without any chocolate on them, but biscuits all the same, plus juice boxes. They get passed around and Clarke losses count of how many she eats, and of how many juice boxes her and Lexa have shared. How many loaded glances they’ve exchanged, or sweet kisses that have passed between them. They might as well be the only ones in the room. They could be just like any normal couple on a date at the cinema, sharing popcorn while they pay more attention to each other than the movie. She could feel Lexa’s head stacked on top of hers, the warm coming off her body the whole movie long and she feels inexplicably connected to her in such a precious, blissful moment.

All too soon the final credits rolled after some dramatic end scene was played out. Harper hit the lights again and Clarke blinked at the brightness, yawning and stretching. It was later than usual as prayers didn’t last as long as the movie had and Clarke could feel it. All the girls started to head back to their cabin, knowing that if they didn’t leave now, Nia would come along to hurry them over. They left the blankets in piles on the chairs, a clean up job for tomorrow, and strolled lazily back to the cabin, bare feet with wet shoes and socks in hand. 

After getting changed and brushing her teeth, Clarke fell into her bed and dutifully waited for Nia to come and do the lights out check. As soon as she left with her parting ‘God Bless’, Clarke scrambled up to Lexa’s bunk as deftly as she could in the dark. She fell on top of Lexa a bit, who gave a soft grunt at Clarke’s landing on her stomach, but soon helped her under the covers and into her arms. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has commented and kudos of course I really appreciate it!! And to everyone reading this new chapter, sorry about the wait... I'm going to try and be more timely with the next one!   
> Also someone requested more octaven and I can't really think of a good way to get a good dose of them in there so I was thinking of doing an octaven one-shot set in this au? Would anyone be interested? Let me know what you think and if you have any ideas for it... I wanna give the people what they need lol  
> also IM A SLUT FOR FEEDBACK so seriously let me know what you think and if theres anything you want more of, anything you wanna see, I will honestly try to work it in there for you!! 
> 
> As always,  
> Much love x


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter should be called the exorcism of Clarke Griffin. Yikes! Enjoy though ;)

After that it was rare that Clarke and Lexa slept in their own beds, almost always one of them would sneak out of beds when the lights went out in favour of the others’ bed. Clarke liked it best when they slept in Lexa’s bed, because the blankets and pillows smelt like her and she would find herself effortlessly drifting off to sleep completely encompassed in Lexa. But she suspected Lexa liked her being in her bed for the same reason, so she made sure to give Lexa the chance to come in her bed after Nia had done the final check. 

In that week since, Clarke’s sleeping had improved massively with Lexa tucked in at her side. Her breakdown, or ‘the incident’ as Titus had referred to it, helped her to get out some of her pent up emotion and she felt better for talking to Lexa and getting it out of her system.  She could drift through her days calmer and go to bed sleepy and content, letting the Counsellor’s words run off her back like water. 

Clarke got better at learning to deal with her feelings after sessions. She usually felt angry and pent up, aggravated by what was being said by the counsellors. Other times she sometimes felt upset about her mom or losing her dad and after the session she retreated straight to the woods. Marching out there as soon as they got released, walking until she felt her anger fade and she came back to herself with the help of the old, wise pines around her, and the beauty that she saw there. 

Those times when she was upset Lexa seemed to be able to tell, int her strange knowing way, and she usually found her after a while in the woods, and she would sit with her and her let cry, or rage, if that’s what she needed. With Lexa, things fell into perspective and the things Titus and Nia said seemed to shrink until Clarke could just let it go.

Lexa was different. When she was struggling with camp, which was rare, she became quiet, withdrawing into herself and her head and detaching from the world. Clarke found it easy to bring her back to herself though. Drawing Lexa to her and whispering with tickling breath sweetly in her ear, hugging her until she was warm all over again and squirming with the little kisses Clarke left on her neck and Lexa was grounded again. 

They helped each other out. 

Clarke knew that Lexa struggled with the lack of independence. Clarke was struggling with it too. Everything was constructed here, their time divided into segments and schedule that they had no say in. Sure, they had a little free time, but it was just a scrap, thrown to them to pacify them so they would cooperate. Before she got here, she was used to running free. Her mom was never home and so she could pretty much do as she pleased, and while then never usually mean anything particularly wild, it was hard now to have that taken away from her. 

Lexa was a naturally independent person, but before it had been somewhat crushed under her father’s thumb. Clarke got the impression that Lexa still managed to get around him a fair bit though, just as she got around Titus and Nia now. 

Clarke felt that lonely kind of freedom she used to have fading now into a distant dream as she got pulled under and thrown head first into this woodsy camp in the middle of no where, completely isolated from her old reality. In fact, Clarke was sure she probably would have floated away altogether by now had Lexa not caught her and tethered her and her sanity here with the others. 

And so that lonely freedom was replaced with a new kind of freedom for Clarke, one filled with more laughter and love, where her and the other girls snatched every hint of freedom and ran with it. 

The only thing Clarke was worried about was her up coming ‘exorcism’. Lexa told her what to expect - it was a ritual performed in the chapel, in the dark of the night when the sun had set over the woods and the final prayers of the day had been said. 

All the girls stayed behind in the chapel to bear witness while Nia, the Pastor and Titus prayed over her. Lexa had said there was a lot of talk of the devil as they tried to will the gay out of her, and that she would need to be prepared because it could be overwhelming. 

Clarke didn’t know how she felt about that, apart from raw nerves for the actual thing, which Titus had said no more about for the time being. It sounded like some far off crazy thing, something some another time, or something that happened in movies. Not something that happened to her, but she felt better about her ability to get through it now. 

 

Clarke’s only other problem, if you could call it that, was that she desperately wanted to _be_ with Lexa, but it was near impossible. They rarely had that free time, let alone free time alone. Clarke could see why at every opportunity presented to them Raven and Octavia were all over each other - you couldn't pry those two apart with a crowbar and Clarke was beginning to feel the same. Latched onto Lexa’s side the minute all adults left the room. Even if they did try to sneak off to get a minute alone, it was short lived. Clarke didn’t want their first time together to be a quickie pressed up in a stall in the girls bathroom, scared someone would burst in, and neither did Lexa. As far as as problems went, Clarke was sure there were much more catastrophic ones to have. Although when Lexa’s soft lips were moving against hers and her breath was coming out in sweet short puffs, hands roaming under her t-shirt, Clarke thought it might be debatable. 

Clarke was in her weekly one-on-one with Jaha on another perfect Thursday afternoon. She had said a bittersweet goodbye to Lexa just before in the rec room knowing Jaha was about to attempt to poke around in her inner psyche. Her one-on-ones when Jaha was taking it were usually no sweat. It wasn’t difficult to tell him all the things he wanted to hear, and he soaked in all up in that weirdly calm way off his. It was like he was perpetually wired into his own hotline with God, truly believing he was working as one of His ‘humble servants’. 

Clarke would rap on one of those thick oak doors in the chilly administration block and then they would sit in two plump leather armchairs, turned slightly to face each other in front of his heavy desk, loaded with paperwork. He would initiate the requisite small talk, asking how courses were going before launching into where ever they had left off before. They had already spent a lot of time talking about the connection between Niylah and her Father’s death had driven her into a ‘world homosexual of sin’ in her grief. 

They also talked about how Clarke had experienced ‘inappropriate gender modelling’ growing up as her mother was the one who worked long hours at the hospital while her father watched her after school and did the cooking. Another hot topic was her best-friend growing up, Wells, and how having a male as her primary form of friendship had contributed to her homosexual disorder. Some of these connections seemed so tenuous and unfounded that Clarke found it hard not to scoff out loud. As far as she could she, she had been interested in boys and girls from the get-go and thats just the way it was. 

This session was a little different though. 

“So, I heard that you had a bit of a difficult group session last week.” Jaha started in that gruff way of his, full of faux sympathy. 

“Ah, yeah, I guess you could say that.” Clarke agreed tentatively. 

“And I understand that you are feeling apprehensive about completing step 3?” He continues. 

Apprehensive is a bit of an understatement. “um, yes, its just with the exorcism and all…” Clarke trails off unsure where this is going. 

“Yes, I can see how this may be interpreted as a case of concern Clarke, but really you have nothing to worry about. These ritual prayers can be a very cleansing and freeing experience.” He impassions. “All of the over campers have undergone this to progress to stage 3 of the program and have emerged renewed, with blank slate free of sin. I think from our sessions together it is pretty clear that you are in need of a blank slate, wouldn’t you agree?”

Clarke takes a deep breath and tries to summon her inner supply of patience for this bullshit. “Yeah, a blank slate would be really nice, after everything. I really want to move onto the next step with by program.” She repeats mechanically. 

“Well that’s certainly very good to hear as Titus and I have decided that you will be ready to complete the exorcism and move onto step 3 soon.” Jaha tells her, smug. 

“When?” Clarke asks anxiously 

“Tomorrow.” 

“So soon?!” Clarke bursts out, shocked. 

“Yes. Titus and I are aware that you are getting increasingly familiar with the other campers, and while we encourage the positive bonds of _female friendship_ , some other the other girls have a tendency to be disobedient and cause trouble. We feel it would be beneficial for you and your recovery if we keep you steadily on the path of righteousness and godliness.” Jaha informs her.

Holy shit this man has no idea. “Um okay?” Clarke coughs out, trying not to let her panic show.

“How do you feel about this Clarke?” He asks in his condescending way.

“I’m a bit nervous I guess. But if you and Titus think its a good idea then I guess it is.” Clarke lies through her gritted teeth. 

“Glad to hear it Clarke.” He finishes, smiling at her obnoxiously. 

They talk a bit more about Clarke’s recovery progress before he lets her go and she dashes out of there to catch up with the others. 

Clarke finds them back at the bunk cabin getting ready to go to dinner. They are giggling and making fun of the things Titus said during session while they straighten out their hair and dresses to meet the strict standards of presentation for dinner under Nia’s watchful eye. 

Clarke slides up to Lexa who is talking with Anya and Luna, not a hair out of place as per usual.

“Clarke.” Lexa whispers, face lighting up when she sees her. 

Clarke pecks Lexa on the cheek to say hello and tries to resist the urge to cuddle into her side and stay there, hiding away from the rest of the world. 

Lexa seems to sense this or maybe she is just thinking of Clarke’s track record of freak outs after individual sessions. 

“Did it go okay Clarke?” she murmurs only for her to hear. 

“They want to exorcise me tomorrow!” Clarke blurts out loudly so that a couple of the other girls stop talking and turn to gawp at her.

“So soon?” Lexa says, brow furrowing.

“That’s what I said! What the fuck right? I don’t know about this Lex.” she rambles, already feeling a round of anxious sweats coming on. 

Lexa draws her too her and runs her hands up and down Clarke’s arms, trying to calm her. “You can absolutely do this Clarke. It’s going to be alright - We’ll all be there the whole time, and it’ll be over quick, okay?” she says, trying be to reassuring. 

“Okay.” Clarke mumbles and lets herself relax. She’s not entirely convinced but the feeling of Lexa’s hands on her is lulling her a bit. 

They stand there for a few moments with Lexa’s arms around her soothing her gently, her warm breathes puffing on her hot cheek until Lexa whispers to her. 

“Want me to re-do your hair? We need to go to dinner soon.” Lexa offers kindly. It's her way of reminding Clarke that her hair has gotten all messy over the course of the day and Nia won’t have it. She knows Lexa doesn’t like her getting into trouble for small things like this that she can easily fix. 

“Yes, please.” Clarke sighs out, more than willing to be calmed by the feeling of her fingers soothing through her long blonde hair. 

Lexa takes her hand and pulls her over to their bunk, sitting her down on the ground in front of it so Lexa can sit behind her on the bed and work her hair back into detailed, pretty braids like hers. 

——

 

Its exorcism day for Clarke and she’s just about ready to throw up. The day started off fine, but she's gotten progressively anxious throughout. Titus and Nia had reminded her of what was to come and breakfast AND lunch, which was met with sympathetic looks from the other girls. 

They had also given her a few pointers which had really only made Clarke more nervous. Raven had told her to close her eyes because it makes her look ‘more authentic’ and then as a plus she doesn’t have to ‘look and Titus’s ugly mug’. Luna had told her not to make a run for it because it only makes it worse, which made Clarke wonder what was going to be so bad that she was going to be running. 

Last night while they were cuddled together in Lexa’s bed under the scratchy wool blankets, bodies tangled and foreheads pressed together, Lexa had brushed the hair from her face and softly asked her to block it all out, and not take in a word of what was said during the prayers. Clarke had promised her that she’d do her best, and Lexa had looked at her with an unreadable expression for a long moment before sealing the promise with more kisses.  

 

They had just finished another silent and static dinner and the girls were clearing the table. Clarke had almost dropped her pile of plates she was so nervous for what was about to come. But and Harper had smiled, taking the plates from her shaky grip after a nod from Lexa. 

All to soon, Nia and Titus started to usher them straight to nightly prayers. They marched the girls from the dining hall, Nia’s awful kitten heels clanking on the hardwood floors until they were outside and the sound fell deaf on the dirt and grass. As they trod across the field to the chapel, the sun was setting and the evening air cooling, making Clarke wish she had her cardigan on her to keep away the chill. The campers marched on ahead while Titus and Nia brought up the rear, shooing them along. 

Nia started reprimanding Octavia for looking dishevelled, which she almost always did, no matter how many times Nia asked her to pull up her socks or button her dress to the top. Tonight this was met with a lot of grunting about having to wear a dress in the first place. 

Octavia was notoriously rough on her uniform, always running through the camp and woods with dirtied knees and sticks stuck in her braids. She ate so enthusiastically that food got on her front and Titus would yell at her for her unladylike table manners. She despised their uniform, always complaining about the impracticality of dresses while Nia quipped back that femininity was important for their gender identity. 

While Octavia shamelessly argued with Nia, Lexa took the opportunity to move to Clarke’s side as they filed through the chapel doors.

“Stay strong.” She whispered. And then all too soon they were sucked through to the dust and draft of the old gloomy chapel. 

Instead of the usual overhead lights, the frail pastor was hobbling around the sides of the chapel and after lighting all the candles at the pace of a snail. It gave the usually boring place a dramatic moody glow, setting the scene for the ritual about to take place. 

Jaha quickly took up his place at the back of the hall on the ancient organ, pressing a few keys to test out the sound. It came rumbling through the pipes and reverberated throughout the chapel. Nia immediately started ushering the girls into the pews, pointing to where each of them should sit. She had them all placed together in the front rows for once, in an arrangement that Clarke was sure was meant to prevent them getting distracted by each other. Clarke hovered at her side anxiously, waiting for her to tell her where to sit. She truly did feel sick now. She felt like it had been understated to her how much of a big affair this was. How long would this go on for? 

Titus had taken his place at the alter on the stage where Gay Jesus looked over ominously, that serious and pained expression of his illuminated in the flickering glow of the candles. 

While Nia was seating them, Titus was thumbing through various books and papers for the right passages, and he laid them out on the alter, open on the right page and ready for the ceremony. Eventually, when everyone but Clarke was seated and Titus had the passages ready, he cast his solemn gaze over the chapel, scrutinising the girls and the setup for a few moments. Seemingly satisfied, he gave a nod to Nia.

Nia then took her roughly by the shoulders and guided her onto the stage with Titus. Clarke seized up under her grip and had to make an effort not the drag her feet but let herself be lead up the steps and onto the platform. She was pushed to stand in-between the two leaders looking over the chapel. They waited like that in suspended silence for a few cold minutes while the old pastor to finish up lighting the candles and join them on stage. Clarke could see Jaha sat at the organ at the back waiting for proceedings to begin. 

Clarke took a second to steel herself for the onslaught. She took a deep breath and planted her feet firmly on the ground, mustering all the courage she had within her. She reminded herself that this was just all nonsense from bigoted people who wanted to profit off parent’s homophobia. That it didn’t mean anything. That she had a beautiful girlfriend to steal kisses from afterwards. She took a deep breath and felt the air rush out of her, taking some of the nurses away with it. Then, she looked over to the girls. Most of them just seemed to be waiting, not particularly happy to be there, but when were they ever? And then, for a fleeting second, she made eye contract with Lexa. 

She looked miserable. She shoulders were hunched with none of the usual grace and elegance she carried herself with as she looked on worriedly at Clarke. Clarke tried to send her what she hoped was a brave smile. She wished she could tell Lexa that it was going to be okay, that she could make it through this and then they could cuddle up in bed together and giggle about how ridiculous this all was. 

Finally the pastor shuffled his way back onto the stage to stand behind Clarke, so that now there was someone on each side of her apart from her front. Titus gave another nod to Jaha and he started up the strangest tune. It wasn’t the usual melodic hymns from Sunday’s service, but something darker and with a rhythmic beat that shook through the chapel and immediately set Clarke on edge. 

Titus started reading first from a passage in the bible, but instead of sounding a like a story, he read it to the beat of the organ, so that it came out like a booming chant.

“But the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet who had performed the miraculous signs on his behalf! With these signs he had deluded those who had received the mark of the beast and worshiped his image. The two of them were thrown alive into the fiery lake of burning sulfur!” He repeated passionately. 

Clarke had no idea what he was talking about. He was reading some random bible passage and he continued on yelling about it for several minutes while Clarke stood there, eyes fixed to the back of the chapel and waited for him shut up. 

This went on with various bible verses and just as Clarke was beginning to get a little bored with the whole thing, the chanting took on a different tone. Titus moved closer to Clarke so he was hovering right next to her and yelling in her ear.

“Girls, among us we have a fellow sinner, a child of God riddled with the sin of homosexuality!” He boomed, making Clarke jump a little and wince away from him as he addressed the other campers.

“Clarke Griffin is full of unnatural and unholy desires for the same sex, are you not Clarke?” He asks, turning towards her expectantly.

“Yes.” Clarke manages to squeak out. 

“Admitting the sin is the first stage towards redemption. Acknowledging that an evil spirit has taken up residence without you. A spirit that wars with the Holy Spirit and seeks to destroy your relationship with god!”

“But through God, all things can be overcome. No evil spirit say stand in the way of the almighty God! Through His power, we shall cast out this demon so that Clarke Griffin may one day go to the kingdom of God, free from homosexuality!” He professes. 

“Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” Titus reads from another part of the bible, red faced from yelling and the passion he seems to infuse behind the words. 

“Do you accept this truth Clarke Griffin?” He asks her once again.

“…Yes.” Clarke mutters hesitating only a little before giving the agreement she knows she has no choice but to give.

“And are you ready to be washed free of this sin?” Titus roars even louder than before. 

Im ready to get this fucking over with. 

“Yes.” Clarke replies a little louder, still trying to stay brave.  

Titus only nods once before launching into the next part with gusto.

Jaha’s playing seems to take on a different quality. The rhythm becomes faster and more toxic, whipping Titus and Nia into a frenzy as the beat moves faster and faster. Clarke feels her heart thump in her chest against the music and her palms sweat as she tries to ignore the haunting rhythm and stay where she is. 

“Lord Jesus Christ smite Satan on his cheekbone with a rod of iron! Lord Jesus Christ smite Satan in the mouth, and break out all his teeth! Lord Jesus Christ, you are God, set Clarke Griffin free!” Titus roared at her. His whole body was turned towards her as he bellowed, spit flying and red faced in his mission to rid her of the demon. His fist up to shake at her like there really was some demon right inside of her.

As Titus is yelling all of this at her, Clarke refuses to look at him, knowing that will make her start to come apart. She tries to refrain from watching the other girls as well, too scared she’ll see pity. But Clarke can’t help it but to let her eyes flicker over to Lexa where she sits and Clarke regrets it a little. Lexa looks a mix of angry and worried. 

“You foul and Satanic spirit of lesbianism may be gone in the name of Jesus Christ Go into the abyss spirit of evil!”

Clarke tried to block it out, numbing herself to the words as to not take them in but it was hard when they were being yelled right at you. Clarke could feel herself becoming overwhelmed by the situation. The organ shaking her to the bone and Titus roaring thrumming in her ears was starting to make her feel wild and unhinged like he was. She felt outside of herself, like she was watching this whole thing unfold, floating high up towards the ceiling of the chapel. Desperate to flee, but rooted to the ground at the same time. 

Then, Titus passed the prayer book to Nia and she took her turn hovering over Clarke and she, just as Titus had done, chanted the same prayer with the same drama and vigour. 

“Lord Jesus Christ smite Satan on his cheekbone with a rod of iron! Lord Jesus Christ smite Satan in the mouth, and break out all his teeth! Lord Jesus Christ, you are God, set Clarke Griffin free! You foul and Satanic spirit of lesbianism may be gone in the name of Jesus Christ Go into the abyss spirit of evil!” She spat. There was complete venom and hate in her voice, and it made Clarke understand Nia better. Nia truly hated lesbianism. She really believed they were full of evil and sin, and she relished having a part in snuffing it out of them. 

Clarke stood there stoically as Nia finished and then pasted the same prayer book to the pastor, trying to be strong like Lexa had asked, though it was getting harder and harder. She was no longer standing straight anymore, but hunched over from the forces on all sides of her, the instinct to protect herself in the face of all the spite and vicious yelling going on. 

The Pastor croaked out the same thing that Nia and Titus had said, in that shaky, old voice of his. He put more conviction in it than he usually put in his preaching though. Raising his voice and hovering his hands over Clarke to personally deliver his ‘healing powers’. 

Clarke heard those same words echo in her heard, she couldn’t stop herself from hearing their evil intent and it weighted heavy on her. Somewhere in the background, through the haze she was in, she heard Titus speak again, this time in a more reasonable tone.

“Sometimes deliverance from homosexuality is long and difficult, but have faith that God is with you every step of the way. And if you prayer and have faith, you will eventually see progress and begin to become free of your homosexual desires. God even gives us the energy to resist and repent!” He declared, seemingly speaking to all of the girls now. Did that mean it was finally over?

“But it takes tremendous self-discipline to choose to operate in the Spirit instead of in our own flesh, to depend on God's strength instead of our own. Once the demon is cast out, he real battle is in the mind.” He says, waving his arms about as he lectures them on keeping the sin away now that their lesbian demons had been cast out.

He rambled some more on continuing their progress and exercising self-discipline to stay away from sin and the temptation of same sex attraction. 

And then suddenly, it was done. Jaha stopped playing and then moments later the overhead lights in the chapel flickered back on, making Clarke’s bleary eyes blink at the bright light. Clarke could feel Nia, Jaha and the Pastor move away from her, but she stood frozen on the stage, still unable to move from where she was locked into herself. 

She could hear Nia talking to the others, but it sounded far off in the distance. After a while, though Clarke wasn’t sure how much later, she suddenly felt Lexa hovering on stage next to her. Could see her sweet face and those deep, green eyes swimming in front of her. She couldn’t get her eyes to focus on Lexa and reach out to her, it was as if she was under water. 

Lexa reached out to touch her shoulder and Clarke, involuntary, flinched away. Lexa pulled her hand back.

“Clarke.” Lexa whispered, pained sounding. 

Clarke tried to focus on Lexa so she could reach her. She reached up to wipe her eyes clear and they were wet. She’d been crying? 

Raven was at her other side. “Clarke its time to go now.” She whispered, wrapping her arm around Clarke’s shoulders to usher her off stage. 

“Back off Raven, give her a minute.” Lexa hissed back. Raven let go off Clarke and held her hands up in surrender, moving away from Clarke and a protective Lexa.  

Clarke mopes at her eyes again trying to get the tears out of the way. It's a few moments later before Lexa tries again.

“Clarke you’re okay now.” Lexa whispers to her again. She tentatively reach out and puts a hand on Clarke’s back, rubbing slow circles. 

Clarke nods and lets Lexa gently lead her off the stage. She looks around to see all the girls still there and hovering around the stage, watching her anxiously like she might explode. Titus is there too, tight lipped with arms crossed, clearly disapproving of the physical contact going on, but apparently sympathetic enough to Clarke’s distress to not call them up on it. 

Clarke clocks the pastor shuffling around the Chapel walls again, extinguishing all the candles. While she lets Lexa shuffle her off the stage and down the aisle. Although Lexa has to move away from her as Clarke starts walking out by herself so she's not seen touching her too much. 

“To bed now please girls! Clarke, get a good night rest and I’ll see you first thing tomorrow morning for some one-on-one counselling.” Titus commands, speaking to their backs. All the girls are already marching out of the chapel around Clarke, solemn and quiet for once. 

The walk back to the cabin is slow and quiet with Lexa guiding Clarke in the dark. Clarke keeps crying a little more, but her tears have slowed down some and she feels drained and sluggish, ready to crawl onto her bunk and stay there for as long as she can. 

When they get back to the cabin, Lexa finally pulls her into her arms. 

“Are you okay? Clarke, I’m sorry. So sorry.” Lexa murmurs into her hair, running her hands up and down Clarke’s back. 

Clarke melts into her front and lets herself be held. She realises she’s still trembling slightly and she takes deep breaths into Lexa’s shoulder, inhaling as much of Lexa as she can to calm down. 

“S’not your fault.” She sniffs back from where her face is buried. 

“What can I do for you?” Lexa pleads. 

“I just wanna go to bed with you.” Clarke mumbles, no longer crying but still take deep breaths of Lexa. 

“Okay. Lets go and get changed out of these dresses.” Lexa tells her gently. “The rest of you should go to the main hall to get ready for lights out.” Lexa commands more loudly to them and they instantly snap out of hovering around Clarke with their worried glazes and get their pyjama’s and toothbrushes ready to take over to the main hall bathrooms. 

Clarke, feeling more together, breaks away from Lexa and moves to her bunk, grabbing a baggy, old Jesus t-shirt and shorts from under her pillow. Now that they are alone in the cabin, she doesn’t even bother to turn away from Lexa or move into the changing room, just shedding her dress and kicking it under the bunk in favour of her comfy clothes. 

She already feels miles better out of the stiff dress and she mindlessly pulls out her braids, shaking her blonde tresses free, before climbing up the ladder and throwing herself into Lexa’s bunk, totally exhausted. 

Lexa gives her a lopsided smile from below. “I’m just going to get ready for lights out and I’ll be up in a minute, okay?” she tells her. 

Clarke grunts to acknowledge her and buries herself under Lexa’s blankets which smell completely like her. She burrows under, eyes shut while she waits for Lexa to finish getting changed. She can hear Lexa moving around, shutting the few blinds and the running water from the sink in the next room as Lexa washes her face. 

After only a short while, Lexa is crawling up onto the top bunk to join Clarke, slotting herself next to Clarke and letting her wrap arms and the blankets around her to engulf Lexa in the nest she made. 

“Are you alright?” Lexa whispers to her tentatively after a while, almost afraid of the answer. 

Clarke sighs and moves her head from where its buried to look Lexa in the eyes. “I’m okay.” She croaks back, giving Lexa a small smile to assure her. 

“Really?” Lexa asks, apprehensive. 

“Yeah. That was messed up, but I’m just glad its over now. I feel much better now I’m here with you in peace.” Clarke says her honestly. 

“You did so well.” Lexa breathes out, relaxing into Clarke further and pressing a tiny kiss to her lips, sweeping them across in comfort

“Mmm.” Clarke hums. “I lost it a bit towards the end there though.” Clarke whispers, a bit embarrassed. 

“That’s more than understandable, Clarke. Everybody gets it.” Lexa assures her, now gently brushing her fingers through Clarke’s hair. 

Clarke smiles and presses her face into Lexa’s neck again, letting herself be calmed by the feeling on Lexa playing with her hair. She feels so much better next to Lexa in the cabin alone, away from the horrible counsellors’ yelling and spitting. Lexa is the complete opposite, soft and warm against her, gently lulling Clarke into sleep. 

“Lex?” Clarke murmurs, lips brushing against Lexa’s neck. 

“Yeah baby?” 

Clarke tilts her head back up so she can look into Lexa’s eyes again. 

“I love you.” She tells her softly as she stares into those eyes, trying to convey how much she truly means it. 

Lexa lets out a surprised huff, as all the air seems to rush out of her. She then breaks out the sweetest, awed smile just for Clarke, and tightens her arms around her. 

“I love you too.” She whispers back. 

Clarke closes her eyes and smiles to herself, now happy and content. She’d honestly just about loved Lexa since the first time she laid eyes on her. It was the most real and powerful thing she’d ever felt. And she’d felt that same absolute love and adoration from Lexa too. It was like having the shine on both slides, and Clarke got to bathe in that light all the time.

She pressed a few sweet kisses into Lexa’s neck, before finally letting the exhaustion take over, falling asleep wrapped up in Lexa before the other girls even make it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in a while! I've been super busy, but hopefully this extra long chapter makes up for it a little! As always, please let me know what you think. I'm always open to criticism, or even just drop me a comment telling me you actually like it and where everything is going.  
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments so far! You guys are awesome :)
> 
> Much love x 
> 
> PS (un)fun fact - all the preachy stuff Titus says in this chapter I ripped of from religious sites bc I couldn't bring myself to write any shit like that. What the fuck right?


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